I gotta be honest with ya’ll.  I feel like I’ve got nothing to offer by way of great spiritual perspective right now.  I should…oh I should.  I’ve fasted, I’ve feasted, I’ve focused, I’ve cried, and I’ve tried….and still….I wrestle.

A friend said to me the other day, “Logan, I bless you in your wrestle.”

And I’ve been thinking about that.  What it looks like to wrestle well with God?  Not turning away, or running away, but just an all out roll-on the-ground-because-I-can’t-seem-to-figure-it-out-but-have-to-get-back-close-to-Him wrestle.

It’s not a piddly thumb wrestle.  And it’s not a looks-fancy-but-is-really-fake-blood WWF-style wrestle either.  This is like a little boy wrestling with his dad….learning how to really fight, but truth is that you never learn how to fight well if you don’t learn how to wrestle well first.  You never learn how to overcome if you don’t hang in til the end.

My boys love to wrestle with their dad.  As soon as my husband walks in the door, both of my little guys are nagging him for “a wrestle.”  Tossing on the ground, rolling around, pinning, squishing, squeezing, and sometimes even not-so-comfortable wrestling.  In our house, we call it “Domination.”  And daddy always wins.  But my boys still love to play.  The more they play it, the better they get at in, and some day….they’ll dominate my husband.  They’ll come out on top in a wrestle because they will have learned how to do it well.

It’s ok to wrestle, my friends.

I’ve been reminded lately that even Jacob, the father of a nation, wrestled with God.

And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day.  When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him.  Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”  And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.”  Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” – (Ge 32:24–28)

After his wrestle, God gave him Jacob new name even, Israel.  He redefined him and set him on a new course…a Father of a nation that is still called by the same name today.  God BLESSED Jacob because of his wrestle…because he didn’t give up….because he hung in the fight all night long, and he wouldn’t let go until he saw the blessing at the end of it.

And later….somehow it seems that even Jacob, when met with another rough time, had forgotten who he was.  So God piped up again to remind him.  He reminded him of his new name, Israel….and reminded him of the destiny and blessings on him because of that wrestle.

God appeared to Jacob again, when he came from Paddan-aram, and blessed him.  And God said to him, “Your name is Jacob; no longer shall your name be called Jacob, but Israel shall be your name.” So he called his name Israel.  And God said to him, “I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply. A nation and a company of nations shall come from you, and kings shall come from your own body.  The land that I gave to Abraham and Isaac I will give to you, and I will give the land to your offspring after you.” – (Ge 35:9–12)

So while in my own life, I’m still asking questions….still crying out in the middle of the dark night even 3 months later…still tearful in my inability to understand or feel like I’m moving far enough past the hard place where I started, onto the higher ground where I want to be….I have to know, that when I hang in there, when I continue to pursue God….there IS blessing in the wrestle.

There is blessing in the wrestle.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.  Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,  and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.  In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;  and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,  praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,  and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel,  for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak. – (Eph 6:12–20)

**When was the last time you found yourself in a wrestle?  What did you learn?  Did you hang in until you saw the blessing?

Original Image Source unknown

So, the 21 day Allume fast drew to an end this past week.  I was forced to finish a day early because I went out of town to a conference, but felt that the Lord had released me, so it was fine.

And this week, I really just have a few things to say about the fast…but what I’m really wanting is to hear what you all have to say about it in the comment section at the end.

I never did get a clear cut answer to the question I was asking of the Lord.  I’m a black and white person most of the time, and I do love a hard cut answer…for better or worse…and that’s just not what I got this time.  In a lot of ways what I was asking was gray I suppose, and it’s pretty much stayed that way.

It’s not like the Lord left me high and dry though, by any stretch of the imagination.  He restored some little hurts in my marriage.  He’s given me more grace and patience with my kids.  I’ve gotten my creative drive back too.  And I heard some good things from Him during that time.  His voice was everywhere, and it was good.

Parts of it were hard though….like some kind of soul detox.  And maybe that’s what I needed…Purging my junk and allowing room for Him to begin to rework in those places.  One day I’ll know, but for now, I’m more at peace in the knowing and not knowing…which is definitely a step in the right direction from where I was before.

.  .  .

My son just learned to ride a bike without training wheels.  We’ve tried other times to teach him, and it never went well.  He’d end up in tears screaming “I can’t do it,” and my husband or I would be angry and frustrated.  It was the pits.  But today….today, something different happened.

A couple of weeks ago, we went on a family biking trip for the day.  We decided to rent a child’s tandem bike attachment for my 6 year old because the terrain of the trail was too gravely to ride with training wheels.  During the early part of the ride behind my husband, my son’s inability to balance nearly wrecked them both several times and threatened to ruin our entire adventure.  But after a little while, he learned to trust his daddy.  His body and arms straightened up, his pace of pedaling steadied, and he was able to enjoy the ride.  The problem of trust that at first threatened to rob our entire family of a day of fun, eventually gave way to more fun for all of us.

So today, that balance he’d found from relying on his dad before was there.  The confidence that he could ride without the trainers remained.  And the first time he pedaled, he went all the way down the street without any help.  My husband had to run just to keep up.

And all of this biking reminded me of a poem I found in a book that I read my junior year in high school.  It’s not super profound, but sometimes I just like to be reminded that pedaling is all it takes to keep going.  That we can trust, because our Daddy knows how to lead…and teach us balance…and sometimes we can really sit back and just enjoy the ride.

The Road of Life

At first, I saw God as my observer,
my judge,
keeping track of the things I did wrong,
so as to know whether I merited heaven
or hell when I die.
He was out there sort of like a president.
I recognized His picture when I saw it,
but I really didn’t know Him.

But later on
when I met Christ,
it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride,
but it was a tandem bike,
and I noticed that Christ
was in the back helping me pedal.

I don’t know just when it was
that He suggested we change places,
but life has not been the same since.

When I had control,
I knew the way.
It was rather boring,
but predictable . . .
It was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead,
He knew delightful long cuts,
up mountains,
and through rocky places
at breakneck speeds,
it was all I could do to hang on!
Even though it looked like madness,
He said, “Pedal!”

I worried and was anxious
and asked,
“Where are you taking me?”
He laughed and didn’t answer,
and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life
and entered into the adventure.
And when I’d say, “I’m scared,”
He’d lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed,
gifts of healing,
acceptance
and joy.
They gave me gifts to take on my journey,
my Lord’s and mine.

And we were off again.
He said, “Give the gifts away;
they’re extra baggage, too much weight.”
So I did,
to the people we met,
and I found that in giving I received,
and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him,
at first,
in control of my life.
I thought He’d wreck it;
but He knows bike secrets,
knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners,
knows how to jump to clear high rocks,
knows how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up
and pedal
in the strangest places,
and I’m beginning to enjoy the view
and the cool breeze on my face
with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I’m sure I just can’t do anymore,
He just smiles and says . . . “Pedal.”

— author unknown

*Copied from Holy Sweat by Tim Hansel

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand…The fear of the LORD leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm. – Proverbs 19:21, 23

**Your turn now.  What did the Lord teach you or do with you during the fast?  Please share your struggles, answers to prayers, greatest lessons learned, or any additional thoughts you’d like to add in the comments below!  I’m really excited to hear what the Lord has been doing within our Allume community!

Photo Sources: couple riding bike, child’s tandem bike attachment

Sometimes we set out to write (or do) one thing, only to realize that the Lord has different plans.

I’d been feeling like the Lord was calling me to write about legalism and not getting so caught up in law that we forget to pay attention to what the Lord is saying within our actual relationship with Him.  I started studying and pulling verses, and I kept coming across the same word…the same name.

Melchizedek

Melchiza-who?!  For real, I wish I could tell you that with the reading of his name came a whole flood of historical information and biblical data that I have stored in my little ol’ brain…but that wouldn’t be true.  I had to look the guy up and do some serious digging…and once I dug around, I realized that what the Lord wanted to say to us now has a whole lot more to do with Melchizedek than talking about being bound up in legalism.

Turns out that Melchizedek was the last of the priest kings.  He was a contemporary of Abraham, and up until his time, rulership was synonymous with priesthood. After Melchizedek’s reign, the throne was transferred to the descendants of Abraham.  The new kings were royal, but the priesthood aspect of a royal reign pretty much just ended with Melchizedek.  Abraham’s descendant kings eventually led to King David and then ultimately to Jesus, the long awaited reinstatement of the true Priest King.

The LORD sends forth from Zion
      your mighty scepter.
      Rule in the midst of your enemies!
            Your people will offer themselves freely
      on the day of your power,
      in holy garments;
             from the womb of the morning,
      the dew of your youth will be yours.
           The LORD has sworn
      and will not change his mind,
             “You are a priest forever
            after the order of Melchizedek.” – Ps 110:2–4

This explanation of Psalm 110 from a commentary I read knocked my socks off….

• “Not only was there nothing in the position or character, personal or official, of David or any other descendant, to justify a reference to either, but utter severance from the royal office of all priestly functions (so clearly assigned the subject of this Psalm) positively forbids such a reference. The Psalm celebrates the exaltation of Christ to the throne of an eternal and increasing kingdom, and a perpetual priesthood (Zec 6:13), involving the subjugation of His enemies and the multiplication of His subjects, and rendered infallibly certain by the word and oath of Almighty God. – *1

Did you catch that?  The implications of all that came with Jesus begin restored as priest king and what that means for us?  As I was thinking on this whole priest king phenomenon, the Lord reminded me of this verse in 1 Peter (interestingly enough, the very book that Katie Orr is leading us in a study of here on the Allume blog!)

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;  for you once were not a people, but now you are the people of God” – 1 Pet 2:9

Priests weren’t historically just the people set in place to keep religious laws…they were the ones appointed to set and maintain the spiritual tone of the land… To turn the people towards God and help restore them to a right relationship with God.  And, the kings, and queens, princes, and princesses….they ruled the lands.  They brought peace and waged war against evils.  Theoretically, their job was literally managing the state of the lands to bring about prosperity and order in the kingdom.

Do you get what that means when He calls us priestly royalty?!  All that it means?!

OH. MY. WORDS!

And in case you’ve ever questioned what your role here on the earth is…well, there you have it!  Our job is now.  Our role to play is now.  We start NOW.  We’re not just to bide our time here on the earth until His glorious coming.  We have a huge role to play, and not only that, but we have been invited into the most high order of royalty.  Priestly royalty.  Chosen by God, with the privileges and responsibilities of priests and kings.

So that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light…

How’s that for an identity descriptor?!

***Have you ever wondered about what your role is on this earth until Jesus’ coming?  Have you considered that you are, in fact, part of THE royal priesthood? What does that identity mean to you?  What does that mean to us as a community?  What does that mean for the world?  Join in the conversation in the comment section below!

**You can read more about Melchizedek in Gen 14:18, Psalm 110, and Hebrews 5, 6, and 7

* Photo Source
*1 – Jamieson, R., Fausset, A. R., Fausset, A. R., Brown, D., & Brown, D. (1997). A commentary, critical and explanatory, on the Old and New Testaments. Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.

I’m still waiting for my “a-ha” moment during this fast where everything in life becomes clearer.  But… I’m not so sure that is entirely realistic.  The Lord has definitely been bringing me into some places of peace on a few things, but there are other places I feel like I’m wrestling with more.

Here’s the thing though, the Lord is showing up.  I have to be honest and say that I’ve been surprised that it’s been in places I haven’t necessarily been asking about during this time.

He always shows up.

Sometimes though…it’s not like we think… or in the places we were expecting.

While some part of me wishes that God did answer just what I am asking, right when I ask it, the other part of me knows that is really just a terrible, terrible idea even if it did work that way.  To try to turn my amazing, bigger-than-my-finite-walled-box God into some genie in a bottle….well, that is just downright depressing.

I’m so glad I’m not the one holding my life in balance.  Most of the time, I can’t keep up with even the laundry my own family generates.  And the Lord, He doesn’t just keep a few spinning plates in balance, He makes all things possible.  He doesn’t ignore or forget our petitions either….His timing is perfect, and His ways are higher.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” – Isaiah 55:8-11

I love that part about the rain and snow coming to the earth.  Not only do they water the earth, but they make it flourish…and from that flourishing, seed comes….which in turn yields bread…which feeds His people.  It’s a process.

I am in process.  We are in process.

And, being confident of this…

that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. – Phil 1:6

He’s not done with me…

And nothing that ever happens in our lives (even that the enemy would intend for harm) will return void when we continually submit ourselves at the foot of the cross.  He redeems…He restores…He doesn’t give up on my process.

The not-knowing can be a scary place, but as a friend of mine reminded me the other day….the only window that was in the ark actually faced upward.  The only place Noah could look was up to heaven.  And I’m thinking the Lord probably had a good reason for designing it that way.  I imagine ol’ Noah woulda gotten a little overwhelmed had he been able to see the vast sea of endless waves around him for 40 days and nights.

No….God wanted him facing heavenward and trusting the One that got him on that boat in the first place.

I have a feeling that the Lord wants the same thing for us.

And in the end, we land on a mountain….with a rainbow of covenant streaming right over top….reminding us of His goodness.

His ways are higher.

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Many of you know about, and are perhaps even participating in, the 21 day fast that I felt the Lord calling us to a few weeks back,  It began on Friday, and I have spent a pretty significant amounts of time just talking with the Lord since then…and praying.  Lots of praying.

My church is a seriously praying church.  Not to say that others aren’t, but I can honestly say that this particular body of believers spends significant amount of time in prayer.  And it’s this kind of prayer that shifts the atmosphere.  I’m not kidding, you can really physically sense a change in the air when these people begin to pray.  I love everything about it.

There was a missions summit at my church this weekend.  We went to meet and hear from some of our church’s global ministry partners on the work they are doing in other parts of the globe.  I wasn’t in the mood really to go, but my husband wanted to, so we did.

Isn’t it those times though, when God grabs you right where you needed it?!

I had a moment during the summit…it was that kind where your mind is taking almost a mental snapshot of a scenario. The entire  group of attendees gathered around and began to pray for a missionary from Haiti.  Everyone was praying…some quietly, some out loud…but all really pressing in to hear the Father’s heart for this missionary family.  Then, a missionary from India began to pray over the Haitian missionary.  He was praying in his native language…full of words I didn’t understand, but thick with the spirit of the Lord.  You could feel it.  And I thought to myself….this is what it looks like in heaven.  All of God’s people together…unified…with one heartbeat.

But, right now, here we are on the earth…wanting to bring His kingdom here.  Wanting to see His will be done HERE.  On earth as it is in heaven.

At one point, one of the missionaries asked that if out of 24 hours in each day, we could devote just 5 minutes to pray for India?

Five minutes is really not very much time.

In Daniel 9:4-19 , Daniel offers a prayer to the Lord on behalf of his people.  A missionary from South Africa read the prayer, but before he began to read, he asked for someone to time him as he read.  It took just 2 1/2 minutes to read Daniel’s prayer to the Lord.

And the thing that happened shortly afterwards in the scriptures, I’ve read several times before, but not given too much pause over it.

“Then behold, a hand touched me and set me trembling on my hands and knees. He said to me, “O Daniel, man of high esteem, understand the words that I am about to tell you and stand upright, for I have now been sent to you.” And when he had spoken this word to me, I stood up trembling. Then he said to me, “ Do not be afraid, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart on understanding this and on humbling yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to your words. But the prince of the kingdom of Persia was withstanding me for twenty-one days; then behold, Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, for I had been left there with the kings of Persia. Now I have come to give you an understanding of what will happen to your people in the latter days, for the vision pertains to the days yet future.” – Daniel 10:10-14

This 2 1/2 minute prayer set into motion an EPIC battle in the heavenlies.  This angel who was sent to bring clarity to Daniel was detained for 21 days in battle.  And… it was so epic that Michael had to come help.  Even after the angel delivered the meaning of the prayer, verse 20 says that he and Michael are headed right back into battle when he leaves Daniel.

Our prayers have the power to unleash the heavenlies.

Did you hear that?

Our prayers have the power to unleash the heavenlies.

If all that can happen from just 2 1/2 minutes….imagine what can happen in 5?!  Imagine what can happen in 20?!  Imagine, my sisters, what can happen when we pray and fast for 21 days?!

“Prayer is not the least of things you can do.  It is the greatest thing you can do.” – Rich Hodge

*Have you ever thought about it like this…that even our 2 minute prayers can literally wage major war in the heavenly realm?!  And now that you are thinking on it….Well, what are you thinking?!

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I spent the past few days with my family at the lake.  Over the weekend, I caught 2 huge fish (with a piece of leftover sausage on my son’s kiddie fishing rod,) we’ve tubed and sunned, floated on gently bobbing waves for hours, eaten outside on a breezy porch, and treat of all treats, we’ve gone to bed early.  It’s been a fun time with my siblings and my own little family as well.

This weekend taught me a little something too… about swim diapers…  They don’t super work.

At all.

It may have been the moment where sweet and sunny arm-chaired snuggles with my little one on the dock suddenly transitioned to streams of hot liquid puddling in my lap that tipped me off.  Or perhaps it was the hip hold to spare his tender feet over rocky ground that left me with a moistened shirt and side that told me something might not be working.  Or maybe, maybe it was the moment where the not-yet-potty-trained 2 year old said to me, “I tinkle Mommy…I tinkling”…more aware of the puddle he found himself standing in than the actual sensation of the whole ordeal.  Whatever situation though, I learned that little swimmers are really just meant to hold in more “serious” business.  At least they generally do that.

One afternoon, I jumped in the lake for a quick cool-off before re-situating myself in my sun-soaked chair.  Moments after sitting down, my 2 year old came over very concerned and trying to lift me from my recliner…insistent that I’d “tinkled” in my seat.  It only took one look below to realize that he thought the puddles of lakewater below, from my recent dip, were in fact, an accident.

In an effort to straighten him out, we dipped his lower half in the water and told him to pay attention to how his bathing suit dripped water everywhere he went.  Much to his delight, he wanted more dips to create more puddles.  Oh…the games we play!

After this went on for a few partial dunks into the lake, he tired and then grabbed my hand to lead me to see a fish that had been caught and was swimming around in a baby pool.

It was then that his drips from the lake ran out, and we suddenly found ourselves dealing with a fresh new puddle…not of lakewater.

But honestly, who can tell what is what on a wooden dock?  Lakewater…pee….it all looks the same puddled on weathered woodgrain.  But this mama knew.  I knew that what had dripped down needed to be dealt with.  I knew that this wasn’t something other people would want to walk through.  So I cleaned it up….and cleaned up my little man too.

And I wondered to myself, how often do we dribble things that may or may not be safe for others to walk through?  How often in our lives do we put forth what may seem fine to the untrained eye or heart, but in the end isn’t something lovely or honorable?  Are our words kind and edifying?  Are our motives gracious and pure?  Or do we walk around making puddles in life that people may or may not soil their feet on…and we don’t make the distinction )even if we know the truth), because we know they won’t either?

For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil; 
but in the end she is bitter as gall, 
sharp as a double-edged sword. – Prov 5:3-4

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. – Phil 4:8

For those of you who intend to begin the 21 day fast with me this coming Friday, June 1st, I want to put a specific challenge out there that we all spend a couple of days in prayer that the Lord will purify our hearts and our words…so that when we drip….we’re dripping honey…that is as sweet as sugar and in the end brings life.  And really, for all of us whether we’re fasting or not, it’s true that out of the mouth flows the contents of the heart.

“What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them,  but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.”                    – Matt 15:11

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to just be dry bones, or an indiscernible pool of urine on a deck in my life or in my walk with the Lord.  I want to bring a fragrant offering, to be full of life, and so lovely with the stamp of the authenticity of a gracious father, that no one would ever mistake me for anything else.

June 1st ladies….for 21 days.  Let’s let Him be the thing that fills us up, that brings new life, and reveals Himself to us in ways we haven’t seen before.  And He is enough.  He will be enough.  The manna of his goodness is daily my friends.  He doesn’t tarry, He always provides, and He always…ALWAYS shows up when we ask Him!

I am the Lord your God,
    who brought you up out of Egypt. 
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it. – Ps 81:10

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert”. – Is 43:18-19

Thanks to AshlieWrites for the reminder of this beautiful scripture from Isaiah in last weeks comments!  It will spring forth friends…the newness.  I picture a brook bubbling out of the ground and bringing life to all the places it passes through!  So too will we be the same as the Lord does His good work in each of us!  To share encouraging scriptures, words, or insights as we journey individually, yet together from June 1st-21st, use the hashtag #allumefast on Twitter.

I am excited to see how the Lord teaches and uses each of us as He draws us closer to Himself during this time.

So come Holy Spirit!  Come Lord Jesus, and fill our hearts, our lips, and our lives with the bread of Heaven.  You are the daily manna that we want, Father.  We know that we can trust you to feed us well, even in the desert.  You are good Papa, and we praise your Holy name!

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I’m in a dry spell.

As in, my times with the Lord lately are hard…when I’m having them at all.  I can hear him, but I have to really clear out my mind, my space, and my time to do it.  It just isn’t easy right now.

And trust…that’s hard right now too.  It’s not hard in all areas, but in some….I just can’t get there.  You know what I mean?

I realize it’s early still since we just lost Fisher a couple of months ago, but I keep wondering about trying to have more kids.  While theoretically I really would like to have another, I’m just not sure I’m trusting Him right now in that place.  I don’t know if I can start down that road of excitement, and months of puking and nausea, picking names and planning nursery decor again and risk it not working out again.  What it all really boils down to though is…. Do I trust Him?

I want to say “Yes!!!” friends….I really do, but I’m just not there when it comes to that part of my life again.  Can I trust Him with my money?  Absolutely.  Can I trust Him with my business?  Yep.  Do I trust Him with my family?  That one is coming hard right now.  It’s fear, I know.

And I know that “perfect love casts out all fear” (1 Jn 4:18) and that “no weapon formed against me will prosper.” (Is 54:17)  I know that I am “more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus and that nothing can separate me from His love.” (Rom 8:37-39)  I KNOW these things….but I’m having a hard time snuggling up to even the truths that I know that I know.

I’m just being honest here.

And writing devotions lately is hard too….probably because even though I really am devoted, I just don’t feel that way.

I’m not the first person to land in this place.  I’d be willing to bet that each of you has been in this place before too…and it’s likely that it’s happened more than once as well.  While I sure love to think myself “original”… I’m confident that I’m no anomaly on this one.

So what’s a girl to do when she knows God is close, but in some ways feels so very far?

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.  I’m going to fast.

I tell you this not to make a big deal out of it or to draw attention to it.  I tell you, because I have a sneaking suspicion that some of you have found yourselves in a funk before and don’t know how to get out either.  I’m telling you because I know I’m not the first person who’s had questions that I can’t seem to resolve on my own.  For the life of me, I can’t clear enough mental clutter to cut to the chase and get the words that I need.  I tell you… because sometimes we have to clear out the clutter in a tangible way and force the issue of focus.

I’ll be the first to tell you that this stuff is hard.  And I’ve only super successfully done it a couple of times.  Cheating really just cheats myself in the end.

I KNOW I want more of the Lord.  I KNOW I want that trust to return.  I KNOW I need some answers to some questions.  And I KNOW that I can’t do any of that on my own.

I also KNOW that He will restore my soul. (Ps 23)  I KNOW that He will restore what the locusts have taken (Joel 2:25.)  But truth is, I just want to feel that again.  And sometimes to get things back right with a relationship, we just have to spend some time focusing on it.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and propose that I’m not alone in this place right now.  That this well isn’t the only one that is having to dig deeper than normal for water.  That my dry lands aren’t the only ones out there….and that some of you need to get serious about finding communion with our Father again too.

So as a part of this Allume community, I want to propose a fast.  What you literally fast from is up to you.  I’m not exactly sure what mine will be, but for this go round, I already know it’s gonna be something a bit more drastic with food.  I have to really get before the Lord to determine what that will look like, and you need to do that as well if this is something you want to do.  HERE is a great resource if you want to learn more about fasting and different ways to do it.

For me, I need to restore relationship with myself and the Lord after a hard couple of months.  I want to hear clearly with regards to my family and what it looks like now and for the future.  I also have a dear friend battling stage 4 cancer right now, and I’ll be fasting on her behalf this time too.  There are a lot of reasons to fast….these are just a few of mine.

Beginning June 1st, for 21 days, I’m gonna do it ya’ll.  And I want to invite you to join me.  Fast and pray for whatever thing you need to get straight with the Lord in your own life.  And if this is kinda scary for you, you can do it and know you won’t be alone.

Allume is a safe place.  It’s a comfy chair.  We’re a community of women walking in the Light of Christ together…and sometimes it’s ok to admit that the light feels dimmer than normal and we want that thing burning brighter again!

Join me?

**How about you?  Is your spiritual life in a dry place?  Are you in a situation where you need more clarity?  Perhaps you need relationship with Father restored (or any earthly relationship restored for that matter?)  Do you need to kick off some clutter just to focus better?  Whatever it is, know friends that you’re not alone, and that this mountain you’re facing can be defeated.  Sometimes we just have to buckle down and start climbing.

Again He said to me, “Prophesy over these bones and say to them, ‘O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD.’
  “Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones, ‘Behold, I will cause breath to enter you that you may come to life. (Eze 37:4–5)

But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD.
      At an acceptable time, O God,
      in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness.  (Ps 69:13)
      Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good;
      according to your abundant mercy, turn to me. (Ps 69:16)

Yet even now,” declares the LORD,  “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments.”  Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;  (Joel 2:12–13)

While they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, “Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them.”  Then after fasting and praying they laid their hands on them and sent them off.  (Ac 13:2–3)

• I LOVE here how after a group of people were fasting together, the Holy Spirit used that time to give them clarity about the work He had in store.  Then, as a group, they prayed and sent off Barnabas and Saul to walk in their callings. Too cool!

“And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face,  that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.  (Mt 6:16–18) 

Image Source

“Yes please, I’ll have the epidural….like, NOW!”

Lessen the pain of childbearing, right?  And then I ended up with a csection even after all of that.  And there was different pain because of it.

“And there will be pain in childbearing.”  It’s a part of that original punishment for original sin in Genesis 3.  Try as we might, medical science won’t ever really erase the pains of childbearing though will they?  I mean, if an epidural is all it would take to erase an original punishment, well, then it sure would seem that humanity would have outsmarted God huh?

Not likely.

Spend any amount of time with a group of moms, and at some point, the conversation will inevitably end up with a few sharing childbirth stories.  No matter if you dominated natural childbirth, or planned a csection, things never really do go exactly as planned.  Genders are a surprise whether you find out at 14 weeks or at 40,  jaundice or trouble breathing, cords wrapped around necks, or babies pointed the wrong direction….we have very little to do with what goes on with the miracle of life.  Sure, we can do things to make it better or worse…eat only organic and take fish oil every day, or make choices that would put babies at risk….but no matter what, things just don’t always go as we planned.

By this point in my devotional writing career at Allume, most of you all know that I lost my 4th baby in March, 16 weeks into pregnancy.  This wasn’t my first Mother’s Day spent with the “pain in childbearing” staring me down either.  Even with 2 sweet boys here on earth to celebrate, the 4 of mine in heaven are somehow closer feeling on this day where we celebrate motherhood.

And as I’ve processed these places of pain, I’ve realized that pain in childbearing isn’t just a physical thing…and it isn’t just for those who actually have birthed children either.

I looked up the word for pain used in Genesis 3:16 and it appears that in the original language, it also means “to toil or sorrow.”

Mother’s Day is such a celebration.  A day to be thankful for the mothers we have and to be thankful for motherhood we’ve been given.  But honestly, it’s a day where there is mourning for motherhood lost too.  Motherhood that try as some might, just doesn’t come.  No number of counting days or fertility treatments produce children in the end.  Maybe it’s pregnancies lost….or children gone before time seems fair or right.  Or when our own mothers may have passed….and we remember the love with them, or maybe it was a broken relationship with your mom and you just remember the lack of love.

Whatever it is, there is pain in childbearing.  There is pain in childrearing.  There is pain in the wanting, and the waiting, and the raising of our children.  It’s not just the physical.

But there is blessing to be found in all of it too.  Blessing beyond what I could ever know without walking through some of the pain.  There is blessing in knowing that these ugly looking stretchmarks brought forth life.  There is blessing in the days even when motherhood is overwhelming.  There is blessing in the community of motherhood, and there is blessing in the ministry I can have now even walking through the loss of babies.

Our pastor said in church today that “what God wants to do through us, He first wants to do in us.”

There is no job I’ve ever known more refining than that of motherhood.  No thing that has brought me to my knees more than raising children, and losing children, and trying for children.  There is no pain greater than this walk of being a mom, but there is absolutely nothing I’ve done that has blessed and challenged me more either.

And in the end, I hope and pray that the greatest blessing I bring to my children is to teach them diligently the ways of the Lord (Dt 6:7).  I want my children above all things to love Jesus.  But… what the Lord wants to do through me, he first has to do in me.

If I want to raise warriors, I must teach them courage from walking in it.  If I want to raise gentlemen, I must exemplify to them gentleness.  If I want them to seek out a wise and loving wife, I must show them first what that looks like.  We are the gateway to the way our children see the world…and the way they see our amazing God.

What God wants to do through us (in raising our children), he first wants to do in us.

Humbling….

      She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
Pr 31:26–28

Oh….to do that well.  To raise children who call us blessed.  To take the pain of childbearing and turn it into blessing by holding tightly to a Father who oozes goodness.

 The word “Redeemer” (and variations thereof…redeemed, redeem, etc) came up 141 times in the Bible when I looked it up.  He’s in the business ya’ll of taking even the original punishment and giving us new life.  There is no epidural that can redeem the pains of childbearing….but our Heavenly Father certainly can.

Happy Mother’s Day to you all. (even if it was yesterday!)

Photo Credit

I went to the lake for an overnight this weekend with a group of girlfriends to celebrate my friend Christi’s birthday.  It was such a sweet time together.  I LOVE my girlfriends.  Love them!

I got to thinking too, how I have been really fortunate that in most points of my life, I have had at least 1 really dear friend nearby.  Many seasons, I’ve had several at a time…rich with heart friends.  That’s just not normal I don’t think, and the blessing of it isn’t lost on me for a second.

My friend Madison taught us all how to do the “Wobble”… some crazy booty dance where we lined up like a bunch of silly pre-teens and laughed til we cried learning how to do a series of ridiculous moves.  Next was the free-for-all dance party and more laughing.  I even broke out a real ace-in-the-hole when I shared the awesome choreography that Rebecca Kirkland and I made up in the 7th grade to Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative.”  I bruised myself trying to bring it back to life.  Apparently, I’ve gotten too old for 7th grade dance moves.

Winded and barely breathing from hysterical laughter, we all toned it down a notch with some junk food and cozy chair conversation.  And when the hours really started rolling by and silly made way for more serious, we spent time just praying together.

It was Christi’s birthday, so we sat and listened to the Lord for encouraging words and scriptures for her.  We prayed over struggles we knew she had, we cried with her, we laughed with her, we lifted her up before the Almighty, and ya’ll…it was a sweet, sweet time.

How often in our lives, do we not literally stop what we’re doing to pray together for a friend or with a friend?  How often does a friend confess worry over something and we say “I’ll pray for you about that,” but then we both just go on about our day and maybe offer up a “Jesus, help her” later on?

I’m convinced that while silliness like doing the “wobble” and being fully myself with other people is valuable, there’s just nothing that knits hearts quite like praying together.

It’s the moment you’re floating on a massive party tube in the lake when you realize another friend is in an appointment at that same time, and you all close your eyes and lift petitions to heaven on her behalf as the waves bob you up and down.  When one of you struggles with self doubt and needs to move away from the group to be alone for awhile, and instead of sitting around and talking about her, you stop silly chatter and pray for the Father’s love to fall and reveal his pleasure over her in her time away.  It’s when that neck muscle that’s been bothering sends you to bed early, and your friends come get you to pray for the Lord’s tenderness to ease your muscle pain….Those are the moments when hearts knit tightly.

“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.  Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.  And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.  Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.  Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently that it might not rain, and for three years and six months it did not rain on the earth.  Then he prayed again, and heaven gave rain, and the earth bore its fruit.
(James 5:13–18)

“Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”  (Mt 18:19–20)

And my thought today, and my question to us all, is…. what makes you a good friend to someone else?  Do you truly pray for your friends?  Do you stop what you’re doing to pray with your friends?

      A man of many companions may come to ruin,
      but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Pr 18:24)

Are you loyal?

      Oil and perfume make the heart glad,
      and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. (Pr 27:9)

Do you offer wise and godly counsel?

       This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.  (Jn 15:12–13)

Will you put the wellbeing of others before your own pride?

(After Peter and John stood before the Council,) “When they were released, they went to their friends and reported what the chief priests and the elders had said to them. And when they heard it, they lifted their voices together to God and said, “Sovereign Lord, who made the heaven and the earth and the sea and everything in them… grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness, while you stretch out your hand to heal, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus.” And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness.  (Ac 4:23, 30-31)

Do you pursue the Father, speak with boldness, and pray expectantly together?

The silly dancing is fun.  The hilarious conversations are needed.  The junk food indulgence shared makes the guilt lessen a little too!  But it’s the time not just walking through life, but praying through life together, that I think really make friendships even sweeter.

Pray together… Praise together… Raise one another up before the Father… Confess together… and Believe for the impossible together, for with God, all things are possible.

Be the kind of friend you want to have.

Photo Credit : PassionateHomemakeing.com

I know I’ve said before that I wish I was musically inclined.  I love music, and I am so inspired by the words and sounds that Father gives to others.  So often I find myself thinking, “I wish I’d written that, it’s JUST how I feel.”

This past week, I went to the most serene and stunning beach in Mexico for 4 days.  My sister won an amazing vacation in a raffle several months back, and the timing of the already-planned-trip really couldn’t have been better.  This was the view from our bed.

No, I’m not kidding.  F.R.E.E.  (Well, all but our food which wasn’t free.  Still though, ridiculous.) Won… for $20 in a raffle.  My awesome sis and brother in-law invited me, my Hubs, and my brother to join them on this trip.

After a few days in Mexico (sans kiddos), we headed back and joined our littles and my parents for a 3-day bluegrass music festival in the mountains of Western NC for the weekend.

I feel like the Lord has grabbed my face with both hands and turned me to look straight into his eyes.  You know that lovey feeling you get right before the minister says “kiss the bride,” or when you watch a really great chick flick and the long awaited profession of love finally comes?  The moment when you can almost tangibly just feel the love?  That’s how I feel.

Loved….and Refreshed.

I had time to be still and He whispered sweet nothings.  And honestly, it’s not like He downloaded loads of great content to me either.  Jesus honestly just gave me a time of sweet nothings.  He didn’t give massive insight or explanation to my life lately, no phenomenal words to dump onto pages and pages of a book, just really nothing but the taste of His sweetness.

I didn’t try hard to hear either.  I just kinda soaked in the space, the place, and the love of a Father who knew 6 months ago that I’d need to fall asleep to his vast ocean crashing on sandy beaches this past week.  The same Father who knows the number of grains of sand on those beaches and hairs on my head also knew that I needed to feel His windy breath on my face and kiss of His massive sun on my cheeks.  My Papa who’s holding my most recent lost child in His lap in heaven now, dropped me in a little piece of his heavenly creation on earth.  Just because He loves me….just because He loves me.

I wish I’d written the words from this song…it’s JUST how I feel.  (Thanks Gungor Music for another perfect bit of poetry.)

And Your name is sweeter
Than the rain that falls upon
The face of dry and weary lands
And causes us to turn our face again
Your name be praised

And be lifted higher

There is no one
There is no one like You
No one like You

And every morning
There are mercies new
Your kindness
It brings us back to you *

So often it seems that we have a hard time allowing the Father to just love on us.  Maybe we forget that He loves us THAT much… and just like we want to love on our own kids for no reason, He wants to do that with us too.

I think the Beatles were right…sometimes “Love is all you need.”

No words, just hugs.  No explanations….just two hands on a face and a gaze of adoration.

Life on this earth is messy friends, and I’m learning to appreciate and embrace that our Father turns this mess into His beloved beautiful mess. He restores our souls. (Psalm 23)

He really does.

Maybe it’s time to stop trying to understand the things we just won’t understand this side of heaven.  Maybe it’s time to just let Him love us…love on us…and know that He loves extravagantly, because that’s who He is.  And He says that we are worth the cost of it all…of His only son.

Let His kindness bring us back…

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

He loves us.  **

    For great is your steadfast love toward me;
     you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.
 (Ps 86:13)

Are you holding His face in your hands right now and looking lovingly up at your Papa?  Or are you pounding your fists in His chest?  If so, that’s ok too.  Maybe you’re on the other side of the room, holding Him at a distance….afraid if you get too close you’ll lose it….all the fake you’re holding onto goes crashing down and you’re raw and exposed?  Let me assure you, be raw if that’s what you need to do.  Cry and hit him in the chest til your strength is gone and you melt into those giant arms that hold all of creation.  Those same arms hold us, love us, and gently touch our cheeks and turn our hard-set face towards His with nothing but love in His eyes.

Image Credits: Beach View, Blue Valentine movie poster

Lyrical Credit: * Higher by Gungor Music, ** How He Loves – John Mark McMillan

I love the circus.  I’ve loved it since I was a kid.  There’s something mesmerizing about the blend of all the colors, the lights, the performers.  Something almost magical about it.

As I’ve gotten older though, the circus has held a new fascination for me.  The “tricks” I saw the performers do as a kid, make my stomach drop now.  The trapeze artists swinging high above the ground without a net, the guy on that crazy weighted cylinder thingy that I swear is going to get going too fast and he’s going to smash into the floor of the arena, the woman hanging from her teeth 40 feet in the air.  The death defying stuff scares the daylights out of me.  What if they really fall…what if the tiger really bites the guy…what if they really don’t defy death and they die right there?

That would pretty much end my days of circus-going.

Harry Houdini is often touted as one of the greatest performers to live.  He made a name for himself defying death.  “From 1907 and throughout the 1910s, Houdini performed with great success in the United States. He would free himself from jails, handcuffs, chains, ropes, and straitjackets, often while hanging from a rope in plain sight of street audiences. Because of imitators, on January 25, 1908, Houdini put his “handcuff act” behind him and began escaping from a locked, water-filled milk can. The possibility of failure and death thrilled his audiences. Houdini also expanded repertoire with his escape challenge act, in which he invited the public to devise contraptions to hold him. These included nailed packing crates (sometimes lowered into water), riveted boilers, wet-sheets, mailbags, and his most famous act, the Chinese Water Torture Cell, in which he was suspended upside-down in a locked glass-and-steel cabinet full to overflowing with water. The act required that Houdini hold his breath for more than three minutes.” *

Houdini died from an infection caused by a ruptured appendix on October 31, at age 52. In his final weeks, he optimistically held to a strong belief that he would recover, but his last words before dying were reportedly, “I’m tired of fighting.” *

For all the death defying that he devoted his life to performing…that’s all it ever was, a performance.  In the end, even the great Houdini couldn’t actually defy death.

Imagine with me for a second, a man hung on a cross.  Nailed onto wooden beams, suspended in the air for all to see.  The capacity to escape at his fingertips.  Angels could have been summoned in a second to heal his wounded hands and feet, to close the gaping hole in his side, and to lift him high into the air off of that cross.  But then he’d just have been a fantastic escape artist wouldn’t he?

If he hadn’t died, he couldn’t have defied death. Really and truly defeated it.  Plenty of people have challenged death, but to defeat it…well, that takes more than a performer.  It takes a Savior.

He didn’t just hop off the cross after an alloted time either.

Even Houdini could only hold his breath for 3 minutes.  Jesus was DEAD for 3 days.  But that wasn’t the end of our Father’s fight for us.

He was bound in cloths, and placed in the dark.  There was a borrowed cave, with a stone rolled in front of it that took multiple men to move into place, and there were armored guards in front of the tomb.  Even the officials remembered that this man, Jesus, had told them that He would defy death…

The next day, that is, after the day of Preparation, the chief priests and the Pharisees gathered before Pilate and said, “Sir, we remember how that impostor said, while he was still alive, ‘After three days I will rise.’  Therefore order the tomb to be made secure until the third day, lest his disciples go and steal him away and tell the people, ‘He has risen from the dead,’ and the last fraud will be worse than the first.” Pilate said to them, “You have a guard of soldiers. Go, make it as secure as you can.”  So they went and made the tomb secure by sealing the stone and setting a guard. (Mt 27:62–66)

When the Sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices, so that they might go and anoint him.  And very early on the first day of the week, when the sun had risen, they went to the tomb.  And they were saying to one another, “Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance of the tomb?”  And looking up, they saw that the stone had been rolled back—it was very large.  And entering the tomb, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, dressed in a white robe, and they were alarmed.  And he said to them, “Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He has risen; he is not here. See the place where they laid him.  But go, tell his disciples and Peter that he is going before you to Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.”  And they went out and fled from the tomb, for trembling and astonishment had seized them, and they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid. (Mk 16:1–8)

Drum Roll please….Presenting….The ultimate death-defier …our risen Lord, Jesus Christ.

In that death he took it all.  He took our sins and he buried them in the tomb…the same tomb that He walked out of so that we might have life.  His death defying act solidifies God’s payment made for our sins.  It brings hope of eternal life, and “it gives us the power to live a victorious life.” **

If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. (Ro 8:11)

And I wonder how often we think that we have to carry an albtross round our neck, or how many times we have stones we think can’t be moved from our lives?  Are there sins we think we can’t shake?  How often do we think we have to be a Houdini and defy something seemingly impossible in our lives, all by ourselves?

The ultimate death defying act was performed over 2000 years ago, and when you believe it for yourself friends, when you realize that the stone was rolled and the veil was torn to give you full access to the God of all creation…you can hang up your act Houdinis, because the impossible has been done FOR YOU.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Ro 8:37–39)

Easter may have been yesterday, but don’t forget that it brings the reminder of freedom to all of our days.  What stones do you need moved from your life?  What “impossible” do you need to release to the One who makes all things possible?  The stone was moved, death has been defied, and we have been freed!  Give it up friends….because He gave it all for you.

Image Credit, * Quotation Source : Wikipedia, ** Quotation from Rich Butler

Today, against all human feeling, I commanded my spirit to rise up and praise.

Sitting in church last week was gut-wrenching.  I’d just found out, 16 weeks into a pregnancy, that my baby had died.  Listening to the praises drip from the lips of everyone in the room while I stood numb with a dead baby in my belly, was nothing short of awful.  Man, was it hard.

This morning though, I heard the Lord tell me “will yourself to rise up.”

And through streaming tears today, I did.

My spirit rose, and feelings, and hurts, and anger, and pain aside….I praised.  My spirit praised.

“That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,  may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.” – Ephesians 3:16-19

My friend, Laura, was next to me… offering comfort just by being there and periodically squeezing my hand.  She knows what I’ve been going through.  She’s been journeying through life with me since long before my baby, Fisher, died.  And about half-way into the worship set, she leaned into me and whispered , “every single word is hard to say.”

She was right.  Every. Single. Word.

And I realized something today …

It matters that we will ourselves to praise… ESPECIALLY when we don’t feel like it.

I’ve shared lyrics from worship songs with you in devotions before.  Today though, every single word pierced my soul.  When I sang those words today against all feeling, I was forced to mean them.  There was no skating through today.  In my still-raw state, there was no ignoring that to sing them…I had to REALLY unpack what they meant.

The sun and the moon
They come out of their grave just for you
The dead man and the cynical too
They’re coming out of their grave
And it’s just for you

Cause the love of God is stronger
The love of God is stronger
The love of God is stronger
Than the power of death *

I thought to myself as the tears poured, that if the sun and the moon rise and set for Him…if they come from the places of deep to shine forth… if the dead and cynical rise for Him….then so shall I.  So shall I.

The love of God is stronger than the power of death.  The power of death that would threaten to strangle us with endless grief or sorrow if we let it.  It’s not as strong as the love that hung a savior on the cross for us.

“Don’t let the enemy win,” I heard.  “My love is bigger, stronger, more powerful, everlasting, enduring.  My kingdom come, my will be done, on earth AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.”

It’s not just about “thy will be done” with some nebulous and impossible-for-humanity-to-understand will governing us.  His will isn’t for us to be baffled or confused by…subjected to without explanation…some “goodness” that seems so un-good to us sometimes.  His original will was never for my baby to die, or for Eve to eat from that tree.  He made it perfect, and we messed it up.  Sin messed it up.  And now, the world is a cruddy place to be sometimes because of it all. But that wasn’t the original plan.

As for me and my house though, bring on the “as it is in heaven.”  Bring on His kingdom to the earth.  Bring on His will as he originally designed it…full of beauty and poetry and goodness. Here, NOW, on earth… as it is in heaven.  Bring on redemption and beauty from the ashes!

This week we celebrate Easter.  The days we set aside to remember his death on a cross…which would be nothing without the resurrection that followed.  He’s alive so that we can be alive.  Death couldn’t hold Him, and because of that, it can’t rule us either.

In her phenomenal study on the book of Revelation, the ever-insightful Beth Moore once said “if we go through nothing, then we have nothing to overcome.  We can’t overcome something that we never underwent.”

But friends, it strikes me now as I seek to overcome this fresh grief of loss, that I can overcome that power of death.  We can overcome the power of death, because we carry the power of the LIVING God who overcame it for us.  We don’t have to undergo death to overcome it.  He did it for us.

He did it for us.

Oh great love of heaven for us

Ransomed children we are His

Made alive now walking with Him

Evermore His Kingdom lives

—

The great beautiful rescuer, Jesus Christ

overcame on a tree all our sin

Death no longer maintains any hold on Him

We as well resurrected with Him

—

Promised ghost of love so Holy

guide in power all our days

Never leaving or forsaking

Constant in the trial always

Oh my soul rejoice, my soul rejoice **

 

“Your sun will no longer set,
Nor will your moon wane;
For you will have the LORD for an everlasting light,
And the days of your mourning will be over.” – Isaiah 60:20

“DEATH IS SWALLOWED UP in victory. ⁵⁵ O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY? O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR STING?” – 1 Cor 15:54-55

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

And that my friends, is plenty reason to rise up and give praise.

Sunrise Photo Credit, * lyrical credit: Dress Us Up by John Mark McMillan, ** Beautiful Rescuer by David Walker, Sunrise cross photo credit

This has to be the hardest devotion I’ve ever written.  It’s one of those moments where you command your spirit man to rise up and praise the Lord…even from the depths of “when sorrows like sea billows roll,” and I have to say right now, things are not well with my soul.

I was 16 weeks pregnant this week, and at my appointment we learned that our sweet baby will not see this side of heaven.  If you want to read more about my journey and are prepared for the raw, uncut version, you can read about it here.  I’ll warn you though, it’s not profound, it’s not pretty, and it’s not full of wisdom and grace.

And right now, I have a lot of unanswered questions that I won’t understand til Jesus himself holds me in his lap and strokes my hair and tells me why He allows things like this to happen.

The past few days I honestly haven’t found much comfort hiding in the shadow of his wings, but what I have found comfort in, is Psalm 77.

My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud;
My voice rises to God, and He will hear me.
In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord;
In the night my hand was stretched out without weariness;
My soul refused to be comforted.
When I remember God, then I am disturbed;
When I sigh, then my spirit grows faint.
                         Selah.

You have held my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I have considered the days of old,
The years of long ago.
I will remember my song in the night;
I will meditate with my heart,
And my spirit ponders:

Will the Lord reject forever?
And will He never be favorable again?
Has His lovingkindness ceased forever?
Has His promise come to an end forever?
Has God forgotten to be gracious,
Or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion?
                         Selah.

Then I said, “It is my grief,
That the right hand of the Most High has changed.”

It’s not all that pretty either, but you know what it is for me?  Relatable.

And I’ve thought the past few days about how I’m not the only person in history to ever have felt deep grief…the kind where you ask the Lord…”Where the heck are you God?!”  And you wonder if He’s turned his back on you, and you can’t make sense of the junk that happens. But you know in your soul that He really hasn’t…because you know that’s not who He is even though it feels that way.

I’m digging deep here, and you know what the Lord is reminding me to remind all of us?  We’re not the only ones who have ever felt forsaken.

Now from the sixth hour darkness fell upon all the land until the ninth hour.  About the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “ELI, ELI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?” that is, “MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?” ^… And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit.  And behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth shook and the rocks were split.  ^…   Now the centurion, and those who were with him keeping guard over Jesus, when they saw the earthquake and the things that were happening, became very frightened and said, “Truly this was the Son of God!” – Matthew 27:45-54

In a couple of weeks we will pause and remember the moment that our Savior asked his Father the same question that David asked in Psalm 22, and that I have felt over the past few days.  “Why have you forsaken me?”  And somewhere in the deep, I find myself remembering that out of this darkness comes new life abundant.  It’s the story of the cross…and the story of redemption.

He brought His people out of Egypt.  He sent His son to live this human life and then die for us.  He even healed my 6 year old this week of a lifelong dairy allergy.  And He’s brought me out from the mire of this very same pain in the past.  He came, He fully lived this life, He felt forsaken, He died…and then HE ROSE….and rewrote the rest of the story.  So somewhere in there…I have to remember…we all HAVE to remember that He will rewrite the rest of our stories too.

I shall remember the deeds of the LORD;
Surely I will remember Your wonders of old.
I will meditate on all Your work
And muse on Your deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy;
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
You have made known Your strength among the peoples.
You have by Your power redeemed Your people. – Ps 77:11-15

Photo Credit: covenantoflove.net

Hey you…

Daughter of the King.

Yes, I’m talking to you.

The one who’s known our Father for most of your life…and you too…the one who just met Him yesterday.

He has a gift for you….for each of you.

It looks something like this….

Royal robes my friends.  Garments of silk and fine furs.  Hand embroidered for countless hours with crystals and jewels.  Trims brought in from all over the globe.  You touch the fabric and your skin melts into it’s softness. You try to grasp the beauty of it…and that’s still not enough.

And you think the prettiest you will ever look is on your wedding day.

Think again girl.

You’re clothed in righteousness.

And whether you’ve known the King for your whole life, or for just the last 5 minutes….you still get the same clothing my friend…the same robes of a princess.

He sees the same blood covering each of us who call him Papa.  He sees the same Savior who died for each one of us.  He sees the same Spirit of the Living God inside of each of us.

And let me tell you something.  There is no J.V. Holy Spirit.

Who among us hasn’t watched a movie where a surprise box from a worthy suitor arrives for the heroine, containing the most beautiful dress ever (in just the right size) and thought to herself…. “I sure wish that’d happen to me.”

Well look out your door my friends.  Pick up that ginormous heavy box on your doorstep and open it up.  No wait…sit down first.  This one’s gonna be a doozy.  This dress is the one you don’t even dare to imagine…the one you don’t even think you deserve to wear.

It’s time to change out of those raggedy clothes you’ve been wearing.  The ones you THINK define you.

They don’t.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. – Romans 12:2

You’ve got new clothes and jewelry to wear.  Nevermind how comfortable you’ve grown in the old ones…they’re not who you are.  You’re destined to be more than those.  You’re more beautiful than those.

Ask me how I know?

He says so…

I will rejoice greatly in the LORD,
My soul will exult in my God;
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. – Isaiah 61:10

So girl…quit jumping up and down in disbelief…or just staring at the box and keeping them there because they’re too extravagant to actually wear.  These clothes are yours.  Put them on.  Wear them out.  Seriously now…Wear. Them. Out!  And wear them like you mean it too.  Hold your head high.  No looking down at your feet.  The King picked these just for you. He designed them just for you.  And boy do you look beautiful to Him.

You are a Daughter of the Most High God.

Know who you are my friends.  Claim it.  Believe it.   Put on your robes …and Live like it.

But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God’s OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. – 1 Peter 2:9

 

*Photo Credits: Royal Robes from  Lady Jane Grey Internet Museum, Crown of the Queen of Bavaria, Pretty Woman movie still

Do you believe that He calls you worthy? (Because He does my friends…He does.)  So… what’s holding you back from wearing the robes He has for you? 

So let this love be like a fire
Let our life be like a flame
Fill our souls with Your desire
Let our passion bring You fame*

I recently took a spiritual gifts test through my church. I wasn’t caught off guard by my strengths, but I was pleasantly surprised to see a few past low-scoring areas move up a little bit. Honestly speaking though, there were still some areas that were just plain low..pretty deficient actually.

I literally came up with the lowest possible number on Worship. And really, it’s because I don’t have a lick of natural inclination, talent, or skill when it comes to musical expression. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t still be a “Worshipper.”

We all have a tendency to let our natural bent define us.  Does that mean that we can’t excel as well in the areas where we naturally fall short though? I know the Lord delights in my gifts, but is He bummed out about me in the areas that I’m not dominating in some spiritual awesomeness?

Recently, I was at a sandwich shop picking up lunch with my kids. The guy behind the counter making our lunch had a black eye patch covering one of his eyes. It looked just like a pirate patch. I noticed it and was inwardly cringing as my 2 year old would not take his eyes off of this man. I was terrified by the possibility of what he might say.

And then he pointed. With a chubby innocent finger, he pointed straight at the man and said, “Cool hair. Cool hair Mommy.”

The knot in my throat loosened as I sighed relief and noted that indeed, this man had a head full of really awesome looking dreadlocks.

In that moment, I heard the Lord clearly say, “You may think I’m taking note of your shortcomings when I look at you….but really I’m admiring the things I love about you. I am delighting in you, and so often you think I’m staring and picking you apart.  I don’t misjudge you my love, it is you who are misjudging me.”

Why do we worry that the Lord would focus on our deficiencies? Or even more, that those areas of shortcoming would disqualify us from any service of Him?! That I’m not “gifted” in an area, or that I fall short isn’t a hall-pass to be sedentary. It’s like we think that we have to be fit to even join the gym…that our skills and life have to be in order to serve in certain capacities.

Yet…YET, I hear the Great Qualifier say to me…to us, “My sweet ones, I delight in you. I don’t notice that you can’t sing…I see the worshipper inside of your heart. So come, and worship…I delight in all of YOU.”

Let us allow our passion for Him to bring fame to his name. Let us rely on the wonder of Him to fan the flame of Christ’s work in our lives…not any ability of our own to excel in certain giftedness. “Every good and perfect gift is from above” anyhow.

Let’s let our lives receive the gifts… only to point back upwards to Him. And let us NOT allow that upward gaze to stray back earthward onto what we do or don’t do well. All to His glory….ALL to His glory.

Our natural ability cannot define our response to Him. I don’t have to lead worship, to be a worshipper. He sees the beauty in each of us, and even in our weaknesses, HE makes us strong.  He doesn’t notice our eye patch my friends, He’s admiring our cool hair.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Cor 2:9-11

*Song credit – Jesus Culture “Burning Ones”,  Lenny Kravitz Photo Credit: Photorazzi, Flame Photo Credit – Courageous Loving Heart

 

 

 

When Sarah Mae first spoke to me about writing the devotion here at Allume, I was excited. I’m still excited, but I’m nervous too. It seems like such a legitimate thing to write. To be entrusted to encourage you all in your devotion to the Lord.

I love this opportunity for all that it is, but for some reason it has felt weighty to me and somehow a little paralyzing.

Sure, your devotion to the Lord isn’t my responsibility, and if the depth of our devotion is narrowed to simply once a week, then that’s not all that devoted anyhow, is it?

As I prepare to write, I find myself reflecting on a song by Gungor called “Beautiful Things” that we sometimes sing at church. The words ring in my mind over and over as I learn to really remember them and live in the truth of them….

All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new
You are making me new

I think on the words in John 15:4-5 that say,

“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”

My friend and worship pastor, David Walker, recently said that “we live in a culture created to value fruitfulness over abiding in the vine.”

So often, and so easily, I think that we find ourselves striving to bear fruit. Striving to be devoted…to bring devotion to our children, to our circles. Striving…trying…making great concerted efforts to enact a passion for Jesus. And then we wonder why it seems so hard? Why we’re trying so hard and the fruitfulness is so hard to come?

We forget to abide. We forget to remain, continue, stay, dwell, and reside with Jesus. There’s no trying…the growth is in the being with Him.

He makes beautiful things out of us when we abide in Him. When we spend time with Him. When we commune with Him. HE makes us new.

And I find peace in that, and rest, and release.

I hope that this will be a place that draws you closer, as we don’t strive, but rather learn to abide in his glorious light more together.

I’d encourage you to quiet your mind, put on some music, and just ask him to come…to soak Him up like a sponge…to abide, and begin to see the ways he is making you new.

How do you find yourself striving for fruitfulness? When was the last time you spent time just soaking up more of Him, abiding in Him, resting in Him?

…

Photo Credit:  James Insogna

 

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