allume

real light living

The Life to Which You Were Called

By

1cor7

A week or so ago, I started my day with Jesus, expecting to read a chapter or two, and I got stuck on this single verse.

Truth be told, I’ve been stuck on it ever since.

“…let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him…”

Lately, I’ve really been struggling with trying to figure out what my assignment is supposed to be.

I’m a writer. I write blog posts and eBooks and even have a traditionally published book coming out next year. (I know. I’m still getting over the shock.)

I’m a mommy. I’m raising a toddler and carrying a baby who is supposed to make his appearance sometime in the next few weeks.

I’m a wife. I followed my husband to a new job, a new place, a new home. I’m working on making us a life here while he works to put food on our table each day.

I’m a housekeeper (not a great one, but still), a cook, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I have big dreams and little ones and honestly, I just don’t know how they all fit together.

I feel like I’ve always been told that there’s supposed to be one thing, you know? One thing that I am made to do, and if I do it, then I’ll for sure be on God’s path for my life. I’ll be living out the life He called me to.

But there’s always more than one thing for me. I don’t know that there’s ever been just one. Life is messier than that.

As I get older, and more things clamor for my attention and focus, I’m learning that the life He has assigned to me has less to do with the one thing that I am supposed to be doing, and everything to do with the One I’m walking beside.

Maybe the life He is calling me to has many parts. Wife, Mommy, Writer – they all matter. Some days, one will require more than the others. But every day, I have a Companion along the way. One who fills me with grace and strength to do the things He’s placed in front of me.

But, maybe, it’s not really about me. Not about who I am or what I do. Maybe it’s all about who He is, and what He does in and through us.

That life He has called me to? The one He has assigned for me?

It’s a life of relationship with Him, before anything else. It’s letting go of my supposed-to’s, taking His hand, and just walking forward, one step at a time.

Because at the end of the day, all I know for sure is that I’m called to walk with Him.

Get Naked

By

Get Naked for Allume

I’ve been hiding, although I don’t like to admit it. I believe it is a beautiful thing to be vulnerable, to trust another with my story, to let myself be real. But at what cost?

Will she still like me?

Will she still want to be my friend after she hears what I’ve done, what I do?

My husband shared how, in a conversation with a dear friend, he learned the power and beauty of true confession–the kind of confession that is the truth, the nitty-gritty truth.  The truth that when you tell it, it stings.

True friendship, true community, means being honest. We lay sin out on the table. And Jesus, in His mercy, in His grace, picks it up and covers us with His blood.  Trying to cover ourselves through hiding, through telling half-truth confessions, but not the naked story, is not believing in what Jesus did for us.

I know how difficult–how scary and risky–it can feel to trust. But if there is an opportunity, in a safe place, to share the truth, the naked truth, with a friend, what else can you do? Might it still, possibly, despite the sting, be worth the risk?

By trying to cover ourselves, in our pride, and hiding our sin from friends, we are forgetting (and thus rejecting) how Jesus was stripped bare: First, when He was born as a man, and then, again, in His sacrifice on the cross–His taking on all our sin.

If we love Jesus, don’t we need to be naked, too?  Don’t we need to trust a little more, let Him cleanse us and abolish pride and worship of our self-image by confessing, truly confessing, to whom He brings?

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed (James 5:16).

In Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes,

Confession in the presence of another believer is the most profound kind of humiliation. It hurts, makes one feel small; it deals a terrible blow to one’s pride . . . but we cannot find the cross of Jesus if we are afraid of going to the place where Jesus can be found, to the public death of the sinner.

So this time, when I confess, I must not hide behind platitudes, generalities.

Rather than saying, “Oh, I confess I have issues with control”, I must confess: When my boys were supposed to be getting ready for football but were goofing off and running back and forth from the front porch into the living room with their cleats on, I yelled and told them they were driving me crazy and locked them out of the house.

Rather than saying, “I get angry at my kids sometimes,” I must confess that I resent chaos, loudness, the kids not listening to me, and the love I show them is often conditional. I resent the tough stuff of parenting.  I want them to listen, and I get mad when they don’t.

Rather than saying, “My husband is pushing me towards the Father and it is good, but I’m having a hard time with it”, I must confess that we argued in the kitchen and I resent that he loves me so much that he fights for my heart, wanting me to trust the Father more, surrender more, die to these sins that hurt our kids and our marriage. I can be bitter towards him because ‘yes’, I want to change, but I don’t want to do the hard work of it all.

Ouch.  

Saying these words aloud, face to face, in community–and here, friends, as I share these words with you–convicts me: Being anything but naked about my sin is not what Jesus plans for me. It is not what He plans for you.

Those who merely hate tribulation, renunciation, distress, defamation, imprisonment in their own lives, no mater how grandiosely they may otherwise speak about the cross, these people in reality hate the cross of Jesus and have not found peace with God.  But those who love the cross of Jesus Christ, those who have genuinely found peace in it, now begin to love even the tribulations in their lives, and ultimately will be able to say with scripture, ‘We also boast in our sufferings’ (Bonhoeffer, “Discipleship and the Cross,” Bread and Wine).

I must go where I don’t want to go. I must be real, my heart stripped naked, completely open before my God. And when I hide the truth of my heart to my friends but say I love community, I am a hypocrite.  I care more about my image, how my friends perceive me, than Jesus coming and releasing me from these sins of my heart.

I want breakthrough to new life.  I want to hate my sin, not hold onto it.  I want “everything to become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17) and so I must trust Him with my sin and I must confess.  And when I confess to another person, I am letting go of the pride that wants to hide the sin.  I am humbling myself before Him, saying I can’t do this on my own.  I’ve messed up.  I need you.  Please forgive me and make me new.

There is so much hope here, girls.  I try to be real with friends now, after years of speaking in generalities and hiding.  There is freedom and beauty in saying I don’t have it all together–and this is what it looks like–but my Father does.  And I trust Him. I choose Him.

In being naked, I say ‘yes’ to needing Him, and the community He brings, around me.

Blessed is the one
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the one
whose sin the LORD does not count against them
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD.
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin (Psalm 32:1-5)

How do you feel about this sting of confession?  What is now stirring your heart?

Also, here is a link to the sermon, “Nakedness”, by Kevin Kim. Kevin’s words helped me be willing to finally be open to leaning on community and trusting them with the stuff that is happening in my heart right now. I would love to know what you think.

It’s not too late for a tune-up…

By

sunset for allume

“When our kids are grown gone, we want to be just like you and Mary.”

That is what a friend said to my husband sometime back.  He was referring to the fact that John and I travel a lot, but we didn’t just start that when we had an empty nest.

AND…it isn’t the travelling that is the key.

It is about learning to do this thing called life together, even when things are not so great.

Let me start at the beginning…

John and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary in May of this year.  Life didn’t turn out exactly like I thought it would.  I don’t have 2-4 children.  I don’t live where I thought I would.  I am not doing the work I thought I would be doing. But life is good and my marriage is even better!  I am married to my best friend, yet life has not always been roses.  Some of you may know that we have buried a daughter, we left our home of 25 years and moved across the country, we’ve endured sickness, and we have had periods of no income.  While these things help shape who we are, they do not define who we are or what our marriage will be like.  Marriage takes work, everyday.  Every year.  And then some.

There are a few things that I believe are key when it comes to having a good marriage.  Here are a few ideas:

  • have date night.  Take the time to be a couple at least once a month.  It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money.  Buy a bag of $2.00 popcorn and rent a movie for $1.25.
  • talk.  Seriously.  I mean this.  A friend with several children and a husband that travels regularly told me that once he started travelling, she thought it had been good for their relationship.  How you ask?  She said it was because since they were talking on the phone after the kids had Skyped or talked they were talking with each other about life.  About them.  About things…not just about the kids. I think, at times, it is easy to fall into the trap where our conversations with our spouse revolve around the kids, the house or the bills.  We forget to connect on other levels and we start to lose something.
  • don’t put your kids before your marriage. You were a couple before you were parents! God created the couple BEFORE he created the family with kids or the church! I knew a couple that did so much with and for their kids that when they got older and their kids were gone, they really had nothing in common.  He did his thing.  She did hers.  It is OK to tell your kids, no you can’t do this or that.  I know another couple that chose not to have their children participate in an activity in which they had previously been very active.  Why?  Because the volunteer commitment required by families was more than this family could do, so the family made a different choice.
  • have s*x. Enough said.  If that is a problem and it is a medical issue, then discuss it with your doctor.  If there is another problem, then discuss it with someone whom you trust. Make this a priority.
  • pray for your spouse. At Allume last year I received a copy of Kathi Lipp’s book, Praying God’s Word for your Husband.  I had always prayed for John, but this changed the WAY I prayed.  In a good way.  You might consider buying the book.

It is easy to stand at the altar and say “I do.”  Maybe we looked at our spouse with dreamy eyes and imagined how perfect our life would be.  Ten weeks, months or years later things didn’t look so perfect.  But that doesn’t mean it can’t be good.  It just might need a little tune-up!

Does your marriage need a tune-up?  What can you do to make a difference?

Blessings~

Mary

 

 

 

here’s one way we affect the world

By

 
My middle boy has tested my sanity lately. Sweet thing. He’s completely precious and tender-hearted. He can take anything apart and (almost) put it back together. He hurts when people hurt. And he prays to Jesus. But, like all of us, he has weaknesses. And his weaknesses colliding with my weaknesses have made for some ug-lay moments.

One of our biggest struggles as of late is with our words (his and mine), specifically when anger or frustration arise. My favorite was when he said I was meaner than satan. Nice. I followed with an equally winning comment, “Oh, I can show you mean if that’s what you want.” Not my grandest moment.

But this struggle with words has challenged me to think about the power of words. Because whoever coined that ridiculous statement about “sticks and stones” must have been smokin’ somethin’ because words absolutely affect us.

 

Words are power.

 

Words can humiliate and degrade. They can evoke fear and shame. They can make people run away or hide for cover. But. They can also pour life into another’s soul.

Words can squash fear and make us feel like we could fly. They can empower us to take the next step in a dark valley. They can minister grace and mercy when judgment seems more logical. They can encourage and bless, lift and even transform our today. Words are power.

 

Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Proverbs 18:21

 

Then there’s us in our areas of cyberspace that we call our writing home.

Those words we type onto the page can change the people on the other side of the screen. Our words can cause chains of religiosity to fall off. They can stir hope in places of utter hopelessness. They can serve up grace to those who feel like outcasts. They can show Jesus to someone who may have never looked into His face.

Oh yes. You and I — we can affect the world, beginning within the four walls of our homes and then spreading across time zones and continents.

Words are power — for better or for worse.

 

Father, put a guard on my mouth today. Use me to pour out life on those around me with words that are grounded in Your truth. And then thank You, thank You for Your grace when I fail.

 

Running this faith race beside you,
Lara

 
Tell of a time when you experienced the power of words — for better or worse.
 

5 Ways to Honor your Husband with your Writing

By

allumephoto with logo

When J and I got married (4 years ago today!), God gave us a story. Yes, He gave us the story of how we met {totally ordained by Him}, but He also gave us a story from our honeymoon. I knew this testimony was not something I was to keep inside and knew God wanted me to share it. I knew He was supposed to gain glory from His redemptive work. But how would J feel about me airing our ‘dirty laundry’?

For a few years after our honeymoon, I prayed and I waited. J fully agreed that I was supposed to share this story, he just needed some time to process it. After a time of prayer one day, God gave me the go-ahead to ask J for permission. I wasn’t a blogger at that point, but I was and always have been a writer. I knew God wanted me to write about it, I knew He wanted me to share, but would J be on board with it? After a discussion, J gave me permission to begin sharing our story with the world, but I knew I needed to set some boundaries for my writing that would honor him.

My man is a quiet man. He’s personable, and does enjoy being around people, but he certainly isn’t an open book like his extroverted wife. I knew he was ok with me sharing this particular story, but beyond that I needed to be careful how deeply I allowed others to enter into our marriage. So here are some writing boundaries that I came up with and now follow:

 

5 ways I work to honor my husband with my writing:

1. Pray. If I feel called to share something about our marriage, or about my man, I pray about it first. Sometimes God gives my heart a peace about it, but other times God gives me a restless feeling which causes me to realize He’s closing the door on that topic {at least for now}. Going to the Lord first makes #2 a whole lot easier.

2. Talk to your man. If I feel called to share about an aspect of our marriage, I ask J if it’s ok. Being the analyzer that he is, he usually asks me a few questions {and sometimes requests to read the rough draft before I hit publish}, but ultimately he’s grown to trust my words. I believe that trust has been built because I have never posted about him without his permission.

3. Beware of social media. My man isn’t a huge fan of me posting his picture all over the social media sites I utilize. I try not to post too much about him on social media in general. Occasionally I post a picture of him on Facebook, but I try to ask him before I do that.

4. Don’t embarrass him online. My man can say some pretty funny stuff. He’s actually quite the comedian, but his introverted self can keep it bottled up when we’re outside the walls of our own home. There are times I would LOVE to share the funny things that J says. Occasionally he’s ok with it, but usually he gives me the, “are you sure you really need to share that?” look when I request permission to share it with my online friends. Despite my desperate desire to share with ya’ll how funny he really is, I realize that honoring him is more important than sharing a good laugh.

5. Don’t make him look like prince charming. I believe that by being honest about our marriage I am honoring God and honoring J. I don’t try to paint a picture of the perfect marriage, because Lord knows, we’ve had our trials. It doesn’t honor J if I paint him as perfect. He sees himself as a sinner saved by the glorious grace of God. He doesn’t want me to make him seem perfect, because if I did, that wouldn’t honor his Savior. In the process of portraying the real J, however, I must be respectful and invite him into the process so the trust we’ve built can continue.

I find that when I honor my man and respect who he is, the intimacy in our marriage increases. I have been known to slip up and break these boundaries from time-to-time, but I find that when I invite him into my writing, J is honored and God is glorified–it’s a win-win situation!

What boundaries have you set for yourself in this online world? How do you protect your husband and your marriage in your blog posts?

by, Mandy Scarr

 

 

a simple truth that can transform any relationship

By

 
Don’t place your trust solely in him. Or her. Or them. Because they — like you and me — are mere humans. And do you know what humans do? We fail.

 

People will fail.

 

I read Jesus’ words last week and they struck a deep chord. He had just started His earthly ministry, performing signs and wonders. And after seeing the miracles, people believed in Him.

“But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.” John 2:24-25

Do you hear what He’s saying? Yes, people put their trust in Him. I mean, He was turning water into top-shelf wine. But He didn’t put His trust in people. Why? Because He “knew all people…(and) knew what was in man.”

Never in the Bible does it say to put our trust in people. Never. Love people, yes. Forgive people, continually. Pray for people, always. But trust? Never. And it’s because people are people. We’re weak and selfish and prone to wander.

When we place our trust in people — depending on them to give us life and hope — we’ll inevitably fall to disappointment. That’s why Jesus didn’t put His trust in man. Not even His most beloved disciples. He put His trust solely in the Father.

His eyes were dead set on the will of the Father. His gaze was continually pointed to the Father. He didn’t look at humans in search of fulfillment with cheesy phrases like “you. complete. me.” No. Because He knew what was in man. And woman.

Personally, I put my hope and trust in men — eventually my husband –in search of security and meaningful love for far too long. And though God gifts us with earthly, blessed, necessary relationships, people can never completely fill us. People will fail us. Just like we’ll fail them.

So when it comes to trust, we’re supposed to put it in one place and one place alone. We put our trust in God.

 

Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart turns away from the Lord.
He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.
Jeremiah 17:5-8

 

God is the forever faithful One. He’s the One who sees the beginning from the end and knows how to make every detail work out for the good of those who love Him. He’s the One who never ever leaves or forsakes His children. He alone is always trustworthy.

And here’s the beauty. When we put our trust in Him, rather than the people or circumstances in our physical world, it frees us to love others without expectation. It frees us to forgive and bless. Because we’re not depending on people to be our Source of life. We’re depending on the life-giver. And that, my friend, is true freedom.

 
How have you seen that passage from Jeremiah above play out in your own life? (i.e., trusting in things or people vs. trusting in God regardless)

One flesh, not two

By

one-flesh

Nine p.m. and the bedroom door closes.  He’s in one room. I’m in another.

Hard words and hard hearts.  Help me soften, Lord.

When we marry, we become one flesh. One body.  One heart.  This is why the power we have to hurt and to love in marriage is so great.  We are yoked. We are connected.  The marriage vows we make to one another are the vows to love one another completely, sacrificially.

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and “gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5: 25). Husbands are called “to love their own wives as their own bodies.”

Paul’s letter to the Ephesians continues, ” He who loves his own wife loves himself” (v.28), and wives are  “to respect their husbands” (v. 33).  We do this, choose to surrender to each other, when we marry, when we vow our love to one another, “because we are members of His body” (v. 30).  And in this choice to marry we become no longer our own.

I am part of my husband.  He is part of me.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (v.31). Wills laid down, bodies surrendered. We do this because of our holy promise to each other–but mainly because first, above all, we are His.

When I don’t return to these truths, I can feel the disruption in my marriage.  My husband and I both do.  My husband and I both feel our union tearing a bit of our hearts when we disconnect.  We are one flesh, not two.

And that is why, that night, when the doors of our hearts were shut against one another–in the moment when I refused to see how I was wounding my own flesh in my refusal to connect, to soften, to love my husband well, my heart disconnected itself not only from my husband, but from the Father, too.

The Holy Spirit has not left me; God never leaves. But I separate myself from God’s good plans for me–and for my marriage– when I choose to remain cold and hard and fight for my own way rather than surrendering to love, choosing Jesus’ will in my marriage, above my own.

This is not to say that if there is physical abuse within your marriage that you should just bear it and not seek help. Absolutely, sister, seek help. God gave us community to come alongside one another, help one another, in times of trial and distress.

But Jesus also did not intend for us to sever our own flesh, bring about division within our marriage when we push for only our own way.   When we push for our own way, without regard for our husband’s heart, we tear apart what the Father yoked together. We bring division within our very selves.  We are not whole.

No wonder fighting feels so crummy.

Is there a place where He is calling you to soften?

Is there a place in your marriage, where you are being challenged to surrender– to feel hearts united, as one flesh?

because the milk will probably spill

By

Yes. The milk will spill. And it will probably be chocolate. And it will probably spill on the floor you just mopped for the first time all month.

Not only that, the kids will run through the house with muddy boots. The dog will eat your still-warm, from-scratch cookies off the counter. The toilet will overflow because someone tried to flush a Lego creation. And the computer will crash just before you save that 800-word blog post — the one in which you poured out your heart with deep vulnerability.

I’m just here to encourage you.

 

The milk will probably spill.

 

Seriously, though. These are the things that can get to me. In fact, it’s often the little daily annoyances that bring out the me that I can’t stand. The one that I hope no one else sees or hears or remembers. Because she can be jacked. up.

So in recent years I’ve asked for wisdom for those kinds of moments. Because they’re gonna happen. And I really don’t want to hurt anyone. Literally.

The only solution that seems to work sounds so churchy. But it really helps me keep perspective, especially when the container of 5000 plastic beads gets poured across the kitchen and you’re still stepping on them eight days later.

 

Pause. Breathe. Pray.

 

I told you it sounded churchy. But it’s just true. The spilled milk won’t matter in ten years, but the hearts of those who spill it will. When I pause, breathe, and pray, it changes my perspective.

I may say something profound like, “Lord. God. Help me not hurt someone.” Or I may go deeper, “Father, it’s just milk. Give me your perspective. I want to reflect You and Your grace, even now. Show me what to do.”

God loves it when we simply turn to Him. He’s knows we’re dust. He knows we’re going to lose it at times. He remembers our humanity. And He just loves it when we turn to Him.

We won’t do it perfectly. We’ll still totally overreact at times — especially during heightened hormonal seasons. Can I get a witness? But even when we completely fail, He’s still grace. He still lavishes grace.

So if…when…the chocolate milk spills today, I’m asking Him to remind us to pause, breathe, and pray. We’re such a needy people.
 

What do you do to keep perspective when those daily annoyances arise?
 

Looking forward,
Lara
ToOverflowing.com
 

to my fellow {recovering} control freaks

By

Hi my name is Lara and I’m a recovering control freak. Seriously. I used to alternate our dinner plates by color. The ones inside the cupboard that no one saw. Can we say “issues”?.

But God gave us three kids in four years and all color-coding fell apart. Then our marriage walked through a dreaded valley and my soul fell apart. And I finally had ears to hear my God whisper in sweet perfection, “Child, you are not the one in control.”

*Deep. slow. sigh.*

 

God's on His throne

 

Thinking we have life under our control — or not — is simply an illusion. Because only One reigns. And He has authority over every storm, every bird, every heart, every principality of darkness, every cell, and every disease.

Rest comes upon us when we let go of our grip. When we let go of the people and things we’re desperately trying to fit into our box of how life should play out, and grab hold of the One who’s sitting secure on His throne.

That taking hold of Him is done in the moments. It’s done when our feelings react, or overreact, and we run to the laundry room and remind our heart of truth. That’s when His peace guards us. He promised.

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

 

Because He’s got this, wrapped tight in His perfect love. And He can be fully trusted with every detail of our lives.

Looking forward with expectation,
Lara from ToOverflowing.com
 
Any other recovering control freaks out there?
What encourages you to get past that feeling of needing to control ev.er.y.thing?
 

No More Leftovers

By

 

Last spring I had my middle school students engage in an activity that focused on helping others. I asked them to move around the room writing on posters — popcorn style — what their ideas were for giving back to their community.

After this activity I ended up hanging some of the posters above the desk in my office. I was touched by what they had written. Many of their ideas were surprisingly creative for such young minds; “raise awareness of the needs by making PSAs”, “hold a 5K to raise money for children who need shoes”.

 A couple of weeks ago one child’s words caught my eye, and for weeks I haven’t been able to take my eyes off of it;

“Giv them yor leftovers”

Obviously this middle schooler needs to work on his spelling a little, but that wasn’t what caught my eye. I am captured by how this statement “Give them your leftovers” summarizes the culture of today.  I’m struck by how that statement, rings home in the culture of our homes, families, and churches.

Leftovers are what you don’t want, they’re well…left over. They have this connotation of being extra, able to be discarded. It’s what you eat the second day, sometimes willingly (hello, day after pizza!), sometimes just so it doesn’t go to waste (that casserole that flopped). Having leftovers for dinner is usually the “easy way”, the no-preparation-time kind of meal. It can be thrown together and it works. Sometimes it fits and everyone’s happy, other times you get the “not again” sighs and comments. But it’s easy, it works, and why not, that’s the way our mothers did it right?

This child’s words have left me struck by how I give my leftovers to others. I have my “to-do” lists (yes, plural) that need to get crossed off, my blog and work goals that must be accomplished, my errands that I’m required to run, etc. After I’ve checked all that off; my husband, my family, my friends, my Church, my community…they get my leftovers. They get whatever energy I have left. They get whatever is left in the bank of time I so lovingly “spared” for them. They get my second-day-no-prep-time-quick-and-easy-leftovers.

Our fast-paced American culture tries to convince us that this is the way we’re supposed to live.

But what if we stopped living this way? What if we stopped focusing on the need-to’s, the must-do’s, and the have-to’s? What if we started giving our family our all? What if our church didn’t only get our “spare time”? What if those in need within our community got more of our attention? What if our Saturday mornings were spent riding bikes with our family, going out to coffee with a tired and weary girlfriend, or serving in our local food bank? What would happen if we gave up those lists and instead stopped to really experience a different side of life?

Yes, we do have responsibilities, and I’m not advocating neglecting being good stewards of what we’ve been blessed with. I’m just wondering what would happen to the culture of our families, the culture of our churches, and even the culture of our communities if we fought against the go-go-go mentality and instead truly invested in life. I believe God would fill in the gaps.

I believe if we invest in what matters most to His heart, relationships, He’ll help us accomplish the list of must-do’s and need-to’s.

You must realize I’m just starting my journey.  I haven’t figured this thing out myself (as I sit with my to-do list right beside my keyboard).  But I’ve hit a place where I finally realize I’m tired of serving up leftovers to those I love. I’m tired of giving luke-warm attention to those around me with broken hearts, empty bellies, and bruised {abused} arms. I want my family, my friends, and my community to get the entire meal, not just what’s left over.

By, Mandy Scarr

Marriage: Community

By

I don’t have to tell you now that you can’t make it on your own.

But think back to the day you got married. The little groom and the little bride on the top of the cake stood all alone up there, and you both thought:

“It’s you and me against the world.”

“We can make it on our own.”

“Everything will be okay if I have you, only you.”

“We can do this: you and me.”

Add to that the innately American ideal of individuality, that we truly CAN be okay alone and make it on our own and we’re left with couples who have a hard time ever asking for help when they struggle.

We are fed a lie when we get married that says we can make it in isolation and that if we ask for help then it signifies an emergency. Not wanting to burden others or fearing what our families or pastors would thing if we admitted struggle, we suffer in silence. And in some circles, it’s still taboo to seek professional help for relationship trouble.

We suffer through pornography addictions, through sarcasm, through depression and through simply not getting along. We try to wade through it all by ourselves until we get to a place where it actually is a crisis and by then, in some cases, it seems like its too late.

In almost 16 years of marriage I’ve learned a few things. One of them is that we cannot and will not make it without a loving community of others who have agreed to walk with us through life. And I’ve also learned that we all need the occasional tune up in really good marriage and family counseling.

Community is absolutely necessary to a good marriage. Whether it’s a church small group that you attend, a collection of friends from college that all got married at the same time as you or even just a few couples that you feel comfortable sharing it all with, I believe that we can’t make our marriages work without community.

We NEED mentors. We NEED friends who believe in our relationships. We absolutely need others in our lives to help us walk through the hard things.

When Chad and I went through our marriage crisis eight years ago, we not only sought professional help, but we gathered a small group of both peers and mentors who knew almost all of the details of the crisis, who loved us and who were committed to seeing our marriage succeed.

Six months later we stood with them on a beach and recommitted our lives to each other and to the God who rescued us.

We needed them and we still need a community of friends who are committed to us.

So today, ask yourself: who are the mentors, the counselors, and the peers in marriage that walk your life with you and with whom there is a mutual understanding that both prayer and struggle will be shared. Ask yourself who those people are. If you don’t have someone or a group of others who support you in your relationship with your spouse, pray that God brings people into your life that will be life-breathing and helpers to you in your marriage.

 Who are your mentors? Do you have a community who is committed to the success of your marriage? How has community helped your marriage?

 

By Sarah Markley, Allume 2012 speaker who blogs about grace, second chances and relationships at sarahmarkley.com. She’s actively trying to live in a marriage that’s open to scrutiny by her community and who has not been afraid to seek counseling in times of struggle.

This is the last in Sarah’s Tuesday marriage series. To read her other posts on grace and honesty in marriage, click here and here. To read her suggestions on how to live a more intentional marriage, click here. Find her Facebook community here and find her on twitter here.

Marriage: Grace

By

At least once or twice a week for the past 15 years my husband is late home from work.

In some ways, I don’t care. I stopped caring about his tardiness about a decade ago when I gave myself up to the fact that some people are early or on time and others are late. These two don’t seem to change much. He was a late person and I wasn’t going to ever be able to do anything to alter that.

But the communication? THAT I could help him change, right? Of course. We all can change and grow and get better, right?

Still, almost 16 years after visiting the altar together he still doesn’t call or text.

“You can call, or text, or email or even tweet me!” I tell him. “Please just let me know.”

After an angry argument the other night about the almost-two-decades long transgression, I walked up behind him as he stood in the kitchen and whispered an “I’m sorry” into his ear. “I should have more grace for you.”

“I’M sorry,” he turned around. “You deserve better than this.”

And there it was. Grace both ways. Grace for human failings, even the ones that might never be different.

Grace isn’t something we normally associate with daily marriage. We give grace to the guy who cuts us off on the highway or the girl who gets the McDonalds drive through order wrong {I wanted DIET Coke, not REGULAR!}. We give grace to our children when they’re exhausted and sometimes we even give ourselves a little grace to nibble on a chocolate bar in front of “Downton Abbey” in the evening. But grace for our husbands might be the hardest part of a grace-filled life to fulfill.

What IF he’s left his socks/pants/undershirt in a short tower in front of his dresser for the last decade {as if the rapture came and took all but his clothes}? What IF he’s still working on loving well and listening? What IF he slides into the hard sins that you never thought he’d slide back into?

Grace. Breathe grace.

And what IF I will forever keep the bathroom sink a clutter of makeup, hair products and long brown strands of hair? What IF I rush to irritation before I rush to forgive? What IF I still struggle with the big sins of my life: pride, bitterness and judgment?

Grace. For being human.

I am convinced that we see our spouses as what-should-be’s rather than what-are’s. We want perfection from imperfect people in imperfect relationships and we often fail to remember that ALL of us, including ourselves, are works in progress. And sometimes those WIPs don’t always move full steam ahead. Sometimes we slide back into bad habits or bad loving, and as bad as it is, it is a fact of life. Even a fact of Christian living.

I’m all about demanding respect and righteousness, about needing compassion and kindness, but so often we offer our husbands up on the altar of not-good-enough-yet for the sake of what we think they should be.

We need to remember that they, like us, are in fact living, breathing, failing humans.

Today, in our marriages, let’s practice breathing grace for our spouses. If we’ve failed, let’s get help. If we are struggling, let’s talk about it. If we’ve sinned, let’s stop and begin to do good. But in all things, let us give one another the wiggle room to be humans.

Do you have trouble remembering your spouse is “human”?

How do you “breathe grace” into your marriage?

 

By Sarah Markley, Allume 2012 speaker who blogs about grace, second chances and relationships at sarahmarkley.com. She’s actively trying to work to be more grace-lending in her own marriage and trying to let her husband actually be human. You can read Sarah’s marriage story here, follow her on twitter here and join her community here.

Join Sarah on Tuesday’s this month as she shares some of what she’s learned in the last sixteen years of marriage. Read her last post about honesty here.

Marriage: Honesty

By

We’d been married for half a year already when my new husband told me some things: some very important things about his own past that hadn’t been shared yet. Six months in and on a dark mountain road on the way up to a church retreat he began to talk.

It wasn’t as if he had been keeping these things from me, it was just that we hadn’t “gone there” yet.  And we talked for an hour, alone, trying to make it safely up the winding road.

It was honest and it was very, very good.

We all know that marriage is supposed to be a place of intimacy and beautiful give and take in a place of extreme honesty. We know that marriage thrives the best when we can be 100% open and vulnerable with our spouses. And we know that the best relationships are built on the trustworthiness and integrity that this kind of openness involves.

Maybe we start out that way, whether it’s before the I do’s or a little while afterward when we feel the vulnerability easy before us like a dark, safe car with only your new spouse. We open up our “suitcases” on the floor of the metaphorical bedrooms and invite our spouses to peek. We give up the details of past relationships, past indiscretions, old sins, and the hurts and pains we’ve collected as we’ve grown up. We allow him to gently move things around, ask some questions and show his love and concern about the past.

But as time moves on, things slip a bit. We are busy building families or careers, we don’t have as much time to talk as we’d like to. Our life stages don’t lend themselves to long walks on the beach any more.

Sadly.

It’s not like dishonesty is ever the goal, but when he’s busy and I’m busy, I’d rather just deal with my own struggles myself. When I’m worried and he’s worried, I’d rather just work it through without bringing him into it. It’s a slow, self-preserving dishonesty that disguises itself as independence.

The fact is for our marriages to work right we have to be honest: both in the beginning and continuing through the hard, busy and endless stages of raising families.

Chad and I have gone through different iterations of honesty in our marriage. Early on it came out in his dishonesty with me (porn addiction) and my dishonesty with him (an adulterous affair). And there has been our dishonesty with ourselves: that we didn’t need to get help.

And then in recent years, the slow, selfish dishonesty that, on the surface doesn’t seem that bad has begun to pervade our lives. It looks an awful lot like independence but it really is a shade of dishonesty.

In any healthy intimate relationship, honesty is crucial.

The simple, most helpful piece of advice I’ve ever received about creating a healthy marriage from an unhealthy one is to begin to tell the truth. Begin telling the truth to your husband, to yourself, to the people around you who love you. Begin opening and sharing your heart so that the two of you can come back to a place of emotional intimacy and interdependence.

I won’t lie: honesty is scary. The reason we DO keep things from each other is because we are scared of what he will do, what he will think or what might be required of us. But what we fail to realize is that freedom lives on the other side of the scary.

Honesty releases us from having to be perfect and from having to be someone we are not. And in honesty is where God can begin to create the marriage you’ve never had or bring you back to the place you thought you’d always be.

Today, if you do one thing for your marriage, try to be honest. Even in the things you don’t think are that important. The more open we are, the more intimate we can be and the healthier our hearts and our marriages grow.

 Do you struggle with honesty in your marriage? When have the two of you been the most honest? What factors led to that?

By Sarah Markley, Allume 2012 speaker who blogs about grace, second chances and relationships at sarahmarkley.com. She’s actively trying to work to be more open, more vulnerable and more honest in her own marriage daily. You can read her marriage story here, find her on Twitter here and join her community here.

Join Sarah on Tuesdays this month when she’ll be sharing some of what she’s learned about marriage in the last 16 years.

Categories

Archives

Google+