allume

real light living

We want YOU!

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The first year I attended Allume, I knew NO. ONE. I walked into the ballroom filled with a couple hundred women on Thursday night and sat at dinner with 7 complete strangers. I was quickly put at ease and enjoyed getting to know the women around me, but I felt really nervous at first.

Fast forward to the next year. I knew a few more attendees and made arrangements to meet-up with some of them, but also realized that there were women volunteering during the conference too. I thought it would be neat to participate if I was able to attend the conference again. Those women seemed to be having so much fun.

Last year, in 2013, I DID get to attend Allume again. And this time, I volunteered to help stuff gift bags on Wednesday afternoon and with registration on Thursday. I. Had. A. Blast! It was so fun to be involved and get a chance to meet some new people. It’s amazing what being on a mission together can do for building relationships and setting people at ease.

And the truth is that we need your help. We have a fantastic Allume team, but with 450 in attendance at this conference, there is just no way that we can get everything done without some extra hands on deck.

So we are asking for your help. We need you, we want you, and we suspect you need each other too. It’s what being in a community is about…being on mission, loving, and serving together. And that’s what we are… a community of women on various missions all intersecting for the same ultimate purpose for a weekend.

So in case you need it, here are our top 4 reasons to volunteer at Allume this year:

  1. You get to meet people. Volunteering is a wonderful way to connect if you are attending the conference alone or if you’re just wanting to be a part of all the fun. And…if you are a bit of an introvert, it is a GREAT way to softly and carefully put “your toes in the water” without feeling like you are going to drown!
  1. There is a sense of ownership and belonging that comes with volunteering. You feel a “part” of the conference because you ARE! We may have a team putting things together throughout the year, but this is about all of us and what God can do through us, individually and together as a community.
  1. When we give of ourselves ,we are blessed…we are changed. We break down barriers and allow God’s grace to fill our lives.
  1. It’s really fun! For real…. We have a blast and know that you will too!

We need a lot of volunteers at Allume. Here are some of the spaces that we need your help:

  • Filling gift bags on Wednesday afternoon.
  • Unpack & set-up on Wednesday.
  • Welcome and Hospitality – the registration desk Thursday afternoon.
  • Assistance at the author book signing tables.
  • Merchandise tables (i.e. t-shirts, CDs, etc.) Also for our musical guests. (1 hour before and after the concert.)
  • Tear-down on Saturday.
  • Sponsor care and hospitality
  • Speaker & Sponsor registration.
  • Prayer Team and Encouragers. Be willing to pray with and encourage those that come to receive prayer in the Prayer Room.

If your schedule allows, consider arriving Wednesday evening or early on Thursday. It is an energized atmosphere as our space in the hotel is transformed to “our space!” And don’t forget that we have some special pre-conference workshops that you don’t want to miss either!

Would you consider volunteering at Allume this year? If so, please head over to this google form for me and register! It will only take a couple of minutes, I promise!

We hope that you will consider volunteering this year at Allume! Volunteers are early relationship builders for the conference and we think might even have the most fun! We are on a mission together to be ambassadors for “real light living!” Can’t wait to see you in October!

 

 

When Someone has Lost a Child Some Things to Do … or Not Do

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Grief Quote - CS Lewis

 

Twenty-two years ago today, I buried my daughter, Amy. Amy had a genetic disorder and lived 4 days. She was born on June 9, 1992, died on the 12th buried on the 16th grave. She is buried in another state and I will not be able to visit her. She isn’t there and I know that, but I still wish I were there to put flowers on her grave. To brush the dirt and grass off of her headstone. To sit quietly for a few minutes in the cemetery with the birds singing and a maybe a lawnmower running in the background.

As I reflect on that time 22 years ago, I know that the experience of losing a child played a large part in making me the person I am today. It was also the hardest thing I have ever endured. Yet, I learned much about myself and others during that time.

One of the things I learned was what is helpful and what is not during a situation such as this. I want to share some things TO do and say or NOT to do and say when ministering to someone who has lost a child.

A disclaimer: I do not profess to know other parent’s feelings. I am only sharing what I know from my own experience; what I have learned from talking with other parents who have lost children – children of various ages, infant to young adults.

  1. DO tell them you are sorry for their loss and you are praying for them and their family.
  2. DO take a meal. We had so much food brought to our home that family members packaged it up and put it in the freezer. After things calmed down and all the out of town family left, it was weeks before we had to cook. We could just pull a meal from the freezer. One less thing to worry about in the days and weeks after she died.
  3. DO be specific when offering to help. Instead of saying, “call me if you need anything.” Say “I’ll come by on Tuesday and clean your bathrooms. Or is there another day that is better?” or “I’ll be by on Monday to cut your grass.” It is rare for people to call and ASK someone to clean their bathroom, but it is even rarer for those grieving to turn down an offer such as this!
  4. DO say the name of the child. Days, weeks and months down the road parents want to know that other people have not forgotten their child. I have a sister-in-law whose birthday is near Amy’s. She usually remembers to send me a text, e-mail or phone call letting me know she remembers.
  5. DO send a card or hand written note. Your note doesn’t have to be fancy, long or eloquently written. Just a note letting the family know you care. I was shocked at the number of sympathy cards we received when Amy died. I went back and read every single card multiple times. Currently, they are bound together and in my closet. They are precious. You may think sending a card is not a big deal. It is. And better yet, send the card or note a week or two or even three weeks after the burial. By that time, out of town family has returned home, the parents may have gone back to work and for those on the outside, things look normal. But, I assure you, in most cases, normal has taken on a new image and receiving a card and knowing someone remembers is comforting.
  6. DO offer to babysit, if appropriate. The parents may be overwhelmed with all the details and having someone help with the other children will, most likely, be well received.
  7. DO remember the grandparents. Not only are the grandparents grieving the loss of a grandchild, they are grieving for their children and the pain they (their grown children) are experiencing.
  8. DO remember the siblings. Two years after Amy died, my oldest brother’s son died and two years later his only daughter died, leaving two young children and leaving my brother with only one son, at that time a young adult in his mid-twenties. A few years after Kathy’s death, my brother’s  only living child got married. It was a joyous occasion. The young lady the son married was the only person that had sent my nephew a sympathy card. The only person to acknowledge HIS grief.
  9. If the child is an infant or young child, do NOT tell the parents they can have another one. The child is not a pair of sunglasses or a vase. One does  not just “replace” a child. Even though Amy only lived 4 days, I carried her for 9 months. I HAVE memories and I HAD dreams. Dreams that died with her. Dreams that slowly slipped away the afternoon she died in my arms.
  10. Do NOT tell the parents they are lucky their child died young. Yes, I had someone tell me this when Amy died. I was lucky that she died young and I hadn’t had time to get attached. Please see number 9 above. I assure you, when you bury your child there is no feeling of good luck involved.
  11. Do NOT tell them that it was part of God’s plan. While I knew that to be true, it was not comforting to me at the time. It took months, a couple of years even, for me to embrace that truth. Parents in the early stages of grief are not ready to hear this. It is Ok to say “we don’t understand God’s ways” or simply, “we don’t understand.”

In closing, one of the things I found to be very helpful for me while I processed my grief and walked that long road with ever-changing landscape was listening to Christian music. There are many songs that are fitting, here is just one: God and Time by Newsong

Have you lost a child or someone close to you? How did you process the loss and deal with your grief?

When We Are Searching For Something

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If you search hard enough or long enough or earnestly enough, then you will find something.  It might be what you are looking for…or it might not. 

Searching for Something

 

By the time this blog post is published, I expect that I will have buried my 92 year old father.  He and my 91 year old mother celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary on February 13, 2014.  As I write this, my dad has suffered a stroke and is lying in a hospital bed, in the living room of the home he and my mother have shared for many years.  He isn’t doing well at all.  And we didn’t expect him to survive the last few days, but he is still hanging on.  I am certain the end is near.

As I have waited for the phone call saying he has passed away and I should begin to make arrangements to return Arkansas for the funeral, I have searched for some things.

I have searched for answers.

I have searched for peace.

I have searched for comfort.

I haven’t found any answers, but I have found some peace and comfort.  One of my favorite verses is 1 Peter 5:7 “casting all you care upon him, because he cares for you.”

I can do that.  I can give all my cares and troubles and worry to Him…he has big, strong shoulders that can carry the weight of my troubles and the sorrow associated with losing a parent. 

His shoulders are big and strong enough to carry your troubles too.

As I walk this path of waiting and sorrow, I am reminded that I can give my troubles to him.  He will carry the burden and I can just walk the path, with him holding my hand.  Or maybe he will carry me.

The search for comfort and peace ends with Him.  In the end, I know that I will see my dad again. 

And my searching for answers?  Well, that search may continue.  We don’t always get an answer from God when we ask for one, like Logan did before Allume 2013.  But I take comfort in the promise of life after death.  And the fact that I don’t have to carry the burden alone. 

And maybe, just maybe that is the answer.

Are you searching for something?  Is it right under your nose?  If you found it, was it what you were looking for or was it something else?

Have you got your Allume ticket yet?

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wood quote for conf

The Allume conference is just 78 days away. Do you have your ticket yet? If not, you will have to stalk the twitter stream because they are all sold out!! Sorry! Don’t wait so long next year. 🙂

 

Maybe you’ve never been to a conference like this before and you are a bit afraid you won’t fit in. I promise – you WILL fit in. AND…you won’t be the only person feeling that way. You will find that the community is very welcoming.

So breath deeply and RELAX.

 

The first time I attended Allume was in 2011 when it was known as the Relevant Conference. I knew NO. ONE. I made the drive to Harrisburg which is less than 3 hours from my home, checked into the hotel and went to my room.

 

And I wondered WHAT. HAVE. I. DONE?

 

I didn’t know anyone.

 

I hadn’t been blogging long.

 

I certainly didn’t have a tribe or a following or a platform or anything else that many people talked about in the online community. I still don’t have these things. Well, if I do, then I don’t know it. But I know that attending Allume was incredibly beneficial to my writing, my blogging, and my relationship with the Lord.

 

I want to share with you a few of the things I did BEFORE the conference that helped me.

 

· I studied the Allume website. I perused the website often, checking for updates, changes, etc. I learned about the speakers. I checked out their websites and blogs.

· I printed the agenda and decided which sessions most interested me and which ones I thought would be most beneficial. See the 2013 agenda here.

· I prayed. Seriously I did. I was nervous. Even though I am a confident person, I was really nervous.

 

Now for some DOs and a DON’T…

 

· Do wear comfortable clothes. And be prepared to layer your clothing. Conference rooms are often cool because the speakers are warm. So have a jacket, sweater or shawl that you can throw on just in case.

· Don’t over pack. The first year I was away from home three nights and took enough clothes for more than one outfit a day. My thought was I would change for the evening. I didn’t. I was too busy learning, socializing and connecting. Last year I took one outfit for each day, with an extra couple of shirts. This year I am flying and I can’t afford to over pack!

· Do leave room in your suitcase to take home your swag bag goodies. And if this year is like the last two years, then there will be LOTS of goodies. There will be lots of books and books are heavy. So keep that in mind when you pack. If you are flying, then the airline will charge you for an overweight bag.

· Do have business cards. At a minimum have your name, blog name and web address and your e-mail on the card. I have my picture on my card because I think it helps people remember me. Some people choose to put their telephone number and address on their card. That is a personal preference. You can find deals all over the internet for business cards or make them yourself. Just have some.

· Do have a notebook or some method for taking notes.

· Do exchange cell numbers (before the conference) with bloggers you want to connect with in person. It can be a bit overwhelming with the number of people attending and if you don’t have a method to connect, then you might miss them.

· DO…and this is a BIG DO…make use of the prayer room. It is a quiet refuge in the midst of the noise and goodness known as Allume. It is a quiet place where you can meet the Lord. Or pray with a friend. I have found it to be a sacred and holy place.

· DO…check out this post by my friend, Trina. I repeat a couple of her do’s and don’t’s, but she has some other great ideas and thoughts!

 

The biggest and probably the most important…open your heart and mind.

Be prepared to be blessed by the speakers, by the connections and by the Lord.

 

It’s not too late for a tune-up…

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sunset for allume

“When our kids are grown gone, we want to be just like you and Mary.”

That is what a friend said to my husband sometime back.  He was referring to the fact that John and I travel a lot, but we didn’t just start that when we had an empty nest.

AND…it isn’t the travelling that is the key.

It is about learning to do this thing called life together, even when things are not so great.

Let me start at the beginning…

John and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary in May of this year.  Life didn’t turn out exactly like I thought it would.  I don’t have 2-4 children.  I don’t live where I thought I would.  I am not doing the work I thought I would be doing. But life is good and my marriage is even better!  I am married to my best friend, yet life has not always been roses.  Some of you may know that we have buried a daughter, we left our home of 25 years and moved across the country, we’ve endured sickness, and we have had periods of no income.  While these things help shape who we are, they do not define who we are or what our marriage will be like.  Marriage takes work, everyday.  Every year.  And then some.

There are a few things that I believe are key when it comes to having a good marriage.  Here are a few ideas:

  • have date night.  Take the time to be a couple at least once a month.  It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money.  Buy a bag of $2.00 popcorn and rent a movie for $1.25.
  • talk.  Seriously.  I mean this.  A friend with several children and a husband that travels regularly told me that once he started travelling, she thought it had been good for their relationship.  How you ask?  She said it was because since they were talking on the phone after the kids had Skyped or talked they were talking with each other about life.  About them.  About things…not just about the kids. I think, at times, it is easy to fall into the trap where our conversations with our spouse revolve around the kids, the house or the bills.  We forget to connect on other levels and we start to lose something.
  • don’t put your kids before your marriage. You were a couple before you were parents! God created the couple BEFORE he created the family with kids or the church! I knew a couple that did so much with and for their kids that when they got older and their kids were gone, they really had nothing in common.  He did his thing.  She did hers.  It is OK to tell your kids, no you can’t do this or that.  I know another couple that chose not to have their children participate in an activity in which they had previously been very active.  Why?  Because the volunteer commitment required by families was more than this family could do, so the family made a different choice.
  • have s*x. Enough said.  If that is a problem and it is a medical issue, then discuss it with your doctor.  If there is another problem, then discuss it with someone whom you trust. Make this a priority.
  • pray for your spouse. At Allume last year I received a copy of Kathi Lipp’s book, Praying God’s Word for your Husband.  I had always prayed for John, but this changed the WAY I prayed.  In a good way.  You might consider buying the book.

It is easy to stand at the altar and say “I do.”  Maybe we looked at our spouse with dreamy eyes and imagined how perfect our life would be.  Ten weeks, months or years later things didn’t look so perfect.  But that doesn’t mean it can’t be good.  It just might need a little tune-up!

Does your marriage need a tune-up?  What can you do to make a difference?

Blessings~

Mary

 

 

 

When You Think You Just Might Slide Off

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fog 2

It was a foggy weekday morning as I drove back from early mass.  I was reflecting on the words of the priest and the words the Lord had been speaking to my heart for a few weeks. 

He’s been speaking words that I truly do not want to hear.

He’s been speaking words that make me uncomfortable.

He’s been speaking words that ask me to stretch myself.

And I want to ignore these words.

As I was driving along and thinking about this, a car approached going the other direction and all of a sudden something flew out of the car and hit the road.

Almost immediately I realized that this something didn’t fly OUT of the car, it flew OFF of the car.  This something was a plastic food container.

The lid came off and the contents scattered everywhere!  What someone probably intended for their lunch was now bouncing and rolling all over the road.  It would become food for birds, squirrels, rabbits…whatever could get there to eat it.

My guess is that the person driving the car was hurrying to gather their belongings, get in the car and head to work.  They put their lunch on top of the car while they juggled their briefcase, their keys, possibly a child, a handbag…you get the picture.

Once safely in the car they pulled away and started driving.  Since this happened in an area without a house directly on the street, they had obviously driven for a few minutes and the container just sat on the roof of the car.

As they got on the main road, gained a bit of speed and started down a slight grade, the container slid right off the car top.

It hit the road and red cherry tomatoes went everywhere.

Life is like that sometimes.  Things and life are moving along just fine.  There is no problem, so we get out on the main road and we gain a little speed. We start down a slight grade…and we slide right off the top of the car!

Remember those words that I was reflecting on when I saw this happen?  They are words that will ask me to get out on the main road.

They are words that will ask me to gain a little speed.

They are words that, if I am not careful, if I try to do things my way, then these words will send me sliding off the top of life’s car.

At the same time, they are words that are life-giving.  If he is asking me to do something (and he is!) and I follow his will and trust his heart, he will NOT let me down.

I will NOT go sliding off the top of the car.

If he leads me to it,

then he will lead me through it!

He is asking me to step out in faith.  To trust him.  To try something new. 

I am going to have to juggle my briefcase, my keys, my handbag and my lunch.  I’m going to get in the car.  I’m going to make sure I am safely buckled in, then I am going to hold on…because I am not in the driver’s seat.  I’m leaving that to Him!

 

Are you weary sister?  Did you leave your lunch on the roof of the car? 

He is there.  

He will supply your needs.

Just get in the car and buckle up.  Because riding with Him can be a wild ride…

 

Mary writes on faith, healthy living and life at http://www.marybonner.net/

 

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