allume

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Bread and Crumbs

By

Enough

I should be networking, I know.  That’s what people do at writing conferences.  They network.  They do not slink away to their cars when no one is looking.

I stare at my reflection in the window and chastise myself for not being a better faux extrovert.

That’s when I see her, a middle-aged woman hiding out in a red minivan some spaces away.  I peer at her because it’s okay to spy on people if you’re a writer.

She does not see me, but I notice the anxious wrinkles that spread across the bridge of her nose and grip her blue eyes in their hold.  She clutches a stack of papers in her ringed hands.  They are the hands of a woman who has held a lover and bathed children and coaxed shadow-thoughts into words in the dark of the night while the children were sleeping and the dishes were growing crusty in the sink.

Everything she has ever written has come down to this: a book proposal and a fifteen-minute time slot with a literary agent carved into an afternoon of sessions on how to be a better writer.  It’s an opportunity she plunked down fifteen dollars for and then cried about, as if this dream of hers wasn’t worth fifteen dollars and a trip to Portland to go to a writer’s conference where she might learn she’s not even a real writer.

Uncertainty wears so heavy on her face, I can feel it from three cars over.  Her eyes stumble over every double-spaced word, even though it is too late to change anything.  It is printed.  It is done.  But she can’t stop chewing on the words, churning them over in her brain to quell the gnawing in her stomach.

She is hungry for this. 

The realization startles me because I am hungry too, and I see on her face everything I see in my reflection.  Just three cars over is another sword-slinger, another wordsmith, another hopeful.  Just three cars over is a woman who wants this just as much as I do and possibly deserves it even more.

I feel a certain seizing in my heart, the kind I felt when I stumbled across a very successful blog and realized the author was someone I vaguely remembered from college, someone who didn’t even major in writing,  someone who had the audacity to say she never intended to be a successful blogger.  It just sort of happened.  Accidentally. 

How nice.

I read through her words and searched her blog, first looking for errors to feed my jealousy and then searching for crumbs to satisfy my longing.  Maybe she would remember me and read my blog and share it with her ample readers and then, then…

…then maybe I would get a piece of that bread that seems to be in short supply.

It hit me then, when the gritty crumb melted into my tongue and I groveled around in the dirt with the dogs, waiting for something to drop, that there is nothing under the table that is not more readily available around it. 

He whispered to me, “I broke my body to feed you, Child.  I will not let you go hungry.”

Bread and Crumbs

I glance back at the woman.  We are a part of a community of those who can get so busy talking about bread that we forget there is plenty to eat.  We are hungry.

And in our minds, God is limited to five loaves and two fishes, and there is a multitude that needs to eat.

But our God is not limited by loaves and fishes.  In His hands, there is bread in abundance, bread so plentiful, I cannot stretch my belly big enough to contain it all.  There is bread for her and there is bread for me, and more than enough room at the table for us all.

We need not want for the crumbs.

I hear a car door open and the woman steps out.  She sees me then, and I smile.  She is hungry.  I am hungry.

And I know just where we both can find the bread.

Comments

  1. I find this interesting. You start with feeling empathy with this lady, then you recognize her, and hope for some symbiotic stuff to happen. But, then you come to the place where you recognize you both have needs, and neither of you are the answer. Jesus Christ, the Living Bread, is. I have to travel this road over and over and over again. There is plenty of bread for all. Each of us has our voice and our audience, however big or small. We need to be faithful in that. We need to be generous in that. Let God worry about the rest. Btw, I hope this doesn’t come off as censure. This is where my heart is at far too often.

    • You are absolutely right, and if I had more space (oh, the limits of word counts!) I would have fleshed that out more. God has called each of us to our own word-ministry, and it is so silly to think that He would call me to a place where He has no intention of providing for me. It’s just that the ministry He has called me to might not look anything like hers. In fact, He may want me to stay small and low because that’s where the heart-surgery takes place. But no matter where He leads, there is enough of Him there to satisfy all of us!

  2. Kristen, this is beautiful. I can identify with groveling in the dirt for crumbs when there is a feast set right before me, even in the very groveling moments. That we pursue a God who provides plenty. For all. That is a thing of wonder and comfort to me. I ate this up, this morning!

    • Competition is something most of us struggle with, on one level or another. It keeps us from fellowship with others, keeps us mean and selfish, and keeps us from experiencing all God has to offer. He keeps trying to wake me up to the fact that I don’t need to settle for those crumbs!

  3. This is beautiful Kristen. Comparison is a disease that has killed too many dreams. I love the picture of bread and how there is enough for us all through God’s blessing and multiplication of it.

  5. God has been speaking to me about how the gospel is the answer for everything -even my writing desires and woes and anxieties. Once again He has brought this truth to me through your words. Thank you so much!

  6. Kristin, you take me right into your car with you, sitting on the front seat. And I share in each piece of the process, this turning over of my heart to more clearly see Him and the abundance that He truly offers . . to me, too. Thank you. Thank you. (And I just love your beautiful writing!)

    • Thank you, Jennifer. I am so delighted to be here, sharing bread with you!

  7. Brilliant. I get this and see myself clamoring for other’s crumbs. Why when the bounty from the Provider is so great that there are always leftovers? Beautiful.

    • Isn’t it awesome??? I love how Jesus took five little barely loaves and turned it into more bread than even the hungriest could eat. Aw, man. That is my God.

  8. Wow, this truly struck my heart this morning. God has given me enough, everything that I need as a writer to bless and bring glory to His Name; yet I too find myself wanting to feast off the crumbs of others’ successes. Thank you for sharing this!

  10. Oh boy, I can relate to going to a writer’s conference and hiding. I didn’t feel like I “deserved” to be there. Crazy how we do this to ourselves. God is enough and how ever He wants to use me is enough. When I rest in this Truth…things are good. Thank you for your honesty.

  11. I’ll be headed to Allume in October and already I can feel my pulse quickening and palms sweating at the though of being in the same room as the REAL writers.This is encouraging….so encouraging.

  12. Aw, Kristin. You captivate us with your words. I praise Jesus for the gift HE has given you and how HE is speaking through you to the hearts of many. This is beautiful. In those shadow moments when the Enemy whispers loud — these are words we need to remember. Thank you for writing them.

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