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A Bird’s Eye View

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I have heard this verse a million times.  “Walk by faith and not by sight.” (2 Cor 5:7)  But I can honestly tell you that until recently, I don’t know that I’ve grabbed onto it very fully.  I guess maybe I always think about life like a hike…that we trust where we’re walking without always having to know what lies around each bend.  Oddly enough, I’m sort of ok with that.  But recently, the Lord has been teaching me something different about this verse that I wanted to share.

As you all know, the past several months in my life have been a struggle to recover and move forward from my 4th miscarriage.  This past Friday was my scheduled delivery date.  It has definitely been a forward-moving crawl of progress, but I keep running into this place, this question… where I haven’t trusted what’s around each bend as easily as I have in the past.  And the root question that I know is at the heart of it all is the Lord asking me, “Do you trust me?”  I find myself honestly saying….”I’m not sure Lord….because look at all of this behind me.”

For the first time after 6 pregnancies, I’ve been afraid to go forward, not because of just what might lie ahead, but because of what I know has lined the path on my way to this place.  Loss…heartache…doubt.  And somehow, until this most recent loss, I’ve managed to outrun all of that stuff.  Like, when it finally caught up…it all came crashing down on me in one lump sum that has left me feeling afraid and confused.

In a counseling session last week (yes….I have been going to a counselor,) my friend and counselor reminded me of this verse from 2 Cor. And for the first time maybe ever, I realized that I had to stop listening to the eyes in the back of my head and still walk by faith.  I can’t be afraid to move forward just because of what’s behind.  I can’t stop trusting God because of some fear that he’s not good.  He IS good and I can trust him.

Then the Lord reminded me “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.  You are with me.”  Walking through the valley isn’t just about what lies ahead of us, it’s knowledge of what lies behind as well….and still choosing….CHOOSING to trust the Lord.

Yesterday, I found out that the baby for months we’d thought was a boy (because of an intelligender test I took) was, in fact, a girl.  At an ob appointment to just check in with my doctor and to talk about the future, I learned that our lost baby Fisher was an XX….girl chromosones through and through.  I have 2 boys, so this was pretty exciting news for me.  One, because now I know we’re not a boy factory, and two because in that realization, I saw how the Lord had answered some prayers for us.  From the start of the pregnancy and before, my oldest son had been praying for a sister.  And while I love my boys, my heart’s desire would be to have a girl in our family as well.  Had I known that even back in March, I think that I would have been angrier at the frustration of feeling robbed almost.  But….the Lord, in his kindness, saved that little nugget of information for me to see his provision….his answer to prayers.  And something about that knowledge made me feel loved…and empowered…and unafraid.  He’s been listening all along.

Every time I looked out the back side of our house yesterday, there was a red-tailed hawk perched on our children’s playground equipment.  Once on the playhouse, then on the climbing dome, and then the last time it was staring straight at me from the post of a half-built zipline platform.  I was talking to a dear friend at the time and was exclaiming at how close this giant bird was to our home…and how I felt like it was staring a hole into me.  She suggested that I look up information on hawks because sometimes the Lord speaks to us in different ways.  She asked how it made me feel, and my response….”somehow powerful.”

I did some random digging around on the WWW and came across this interesting thought:

One thing that all hawks have in common is the skill to move between the seen and unseen realms gracefully connecting both worlds together. Their acute vision compliments this ability and their discriminating nature keeps them out of harms way. The broader vision of the hawk allows them to see what lies ahead.

They move amongst the seen and unseen in grace and power. 

Suddenly, I felt the Lord telling me that I am powerful and that my broader vision of the knowledge of his goodness is enough to trust what lies ahead.  That walking by faith and not by sight is walking in that valley…and not fearing.  That walking in faith in full knowledge of what’s behind, but choosing to press ahead….that’s glorifying to our maker.  And ya’ll….that’s just downright empowering to me too.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.  – Phil 3:12–14

**How about you….do you need to stop looking backwards in order to move forward in power and grace?  Would love to hear your thoughts!

 

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Comments

  1. This post is perfect timing for me. Thank you for sharing your struggle and your insight. I’ve been having the same struggle of doubting, looking backward at all that is behind me and not looking forward in TRUST. The Lord has been sharing the very same message and I find it encouraging to read your thoughts here. I have not been wanting to know what is around the next bend in my hike lately. Not that I want to go back to what I’ve gone through but like I want to just sit down where I am because it somehow feels ‘safe’.
    Elisabeth George says, “Learn it, Log it, Leave it.” Yes, this I need to do with the bad AND the good. Focusing on the good just makes us yearn to go back to the ‘glorydays’ and become discontent with what may lie ahead.
    This struggle has had me tied up in knots so much that I stepped away from my blogging, My last post is dated June 15. (and I’m supposed to be going to Allume in a month! YIKES!!) This is the encouragement I needed to get back on my keyboard and get back to blogging. Thank you, Logan.

    • Sharon, I get it…the wanting to sit down thing….but at the same time, to me that feels so stagnant too. And as far as learning, logging, and leaving, I get that too…but I think we have to make sure to take with us the nuggets of wisdom gained from each experience. I think we are definitely to remember the good, but yearning for different times is always going to lead us to a place of discontentment. It’s remembering the blessings and calling them back into existence….the knowing and recalling the goodness of the Lord…it’s the power of the testimony to remind us that what has been done before can be done again. And who cares if you haven’t posted since June….if that’s what the Lord needed you to do, then girl, NO SHAME! Noone at Allume is going to judge you because you fell or jumped off the writing wagon. If there’s anywhere that people understand that….it’s Allume! Look forward to seeing you there! Please do come say hello to me!

  2. I love this:) I’m so sorry for your loss. But, I’m thankful for this post for a strange reason. I always see red birds around my house and every time I do, I feel impressed to praise God. I’m going to look up birds from now on:) Thanks for sharing your heart.

    • Debbie,
      I think that anytime there is something in our lives that cause us to pause, praise and turn to the Lord….it’s wise (and fun too) to ask the Lord what he has for us to see or learn from that thing. I’d read up on cardinals and just see what jumps out at you!

  3. Logan,
    Thanks so much for your vulnerability! I totally relate to this, as I myself have faced many heart breaks…the loss of a husband when I was only 25, then the loss of a home, and the loss of a ministry. And though the Lord has worked miracles in my heart and given me a joy that can’t be explained, there can still be this cynical attitude toward the future…I can look at it and say, “I have utmost confidence is His faithfulness, but that doesn’t mean He’s not going to tear my heart out again.”

    BUT that’s really doubting HIm and this isn’t how He wants us to live. We shouldn’t be looking ahead with fear, but with confidence in HIs character…He WILL be good!! He promises great things! Yes, trials may come, but that should be of no concern to us…not if we TRULY believe that He’s good! He will get us through the struggles and He will be glorifying HImself in and through us all the while (that’s faith, right?). And though I think the “I am powerful” thing can be hard to explain, I get it! He makes His strength perfect in us. Somehow, difficulty or blessing, He does empower us to persevere, to maintain gratitude, to see hope with the eye of faith when the physical eye sees no hope on the horizon. When He breaks us and then uses us, there is this empowerment to live boldly! And inside there’s this restored wholeness!

    I’ve been a lurker for awhile…so I’ve followed your story, and I’m so sorry for your loss! I really have no words, except that I’m so very grateful for the voice God’s given you…the power He’s displayed in you…and the encouragement I receive with every post you write. I hope all this isn’t too sappy or too trying to relate, but your courage really does inspire me! Thank you!

    • Not too sappy at all Jacqui! In fact…so so encouraging to my heart! And you are right…he is good…and he WILL be good! His character is undoubtedly good…ALWAYS! From that goodness, we can also know that the Lord never tears our heart out either….our enemy does. It’s the Lord who puts it back together in his kindness. Thank you thank you a million times for sharing your story. I do hope to meet you at Allume!

  5. The truth is you do not need to see but so far ahead to drive a car on a path. Even if you could see far far ahead it would just distract you from making the right turns now and making the right choices what what is happening on your path. Knowing that God has the future covered gives us even more reason to be comfortable taking care of what lays in our path at the moment.

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