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On Bent Knees… With Tightly Clenched Fists

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It was 16 years ago yesterday, I fell with bent knees in grief.   My heart had just begun to heal, and I am left wondering if my heart will ever heal again.

It was raining, and I could barely stand under the tent that sheltered the open space I would have to leave my babies.  I was moved by the music of healing – “It is well with my soul.”   I had always believed this.  But this day, I truly doubted my soul would “be well again.”

The days to follow left me in a place of anger, confusion, healing and on bent knee – with tightly clenched fists.

Last night I stood in this place again.  The tent was gone.  The tears were still fresh, and the ashes were traded for beauty.

Beauty in surrender. Willing surrender.

I know you have been in this place.  Trials leave a mark in all of our lives.  They just look different for all of us.  For you, it may be an illness, a recent loss, friendships, your profession, an empty space never filled,  marriage or motherhood.

Perhaps you are hoping the problems or pain will just disappear.   Have you shut your heart out to change?

Transformation comes through surrender.

God has such a perfect plan for the trials in our lives.  When we hang onto the pain, heart-ache, sadness and anger  – our lives will be like the stalwart tree that refuses to lose its leaves in the fall.  Independent, clinging to the very last bit of the pain, unyielding.

Never bearing intended fruit.  My knees bent daily – beginning with heart-ache and pain. I kept hearing – “Pursue me.”  And I did.

My fists stayed clenched for so long. Afraid of more pain perhaps?  Not willing to let the loss of my babies lives be thought of as something beautiful.  How could that be?

Little by little, as I fell in grief and cried out to the Lord, my words became a conversation with my Heavenly Father.  A conversation that turned into praise.  My tightly clenched fists were now hands held high to the Heaven’s – Arms stretched out high – Palms wide open.

I was being made new. His strength was made perfect in my weakness.

Can you let go today of the very things that are holding you back from a true intimacy with the Savior?

Perhaps little daily habits of despair, confusion, discontentment, or loss have transformed into big habits. Holding tight to pain.

There is beauty in surrender.  The day I said goodbye to the lives I carried in my womb, and walked away from that tent, my heart would have never believed I could find beauty in His purpose.

Sixteen years later, and many children running at the feet of Jesus, with worship and praise – I thank Him for transforming me – On bent knees and Open arms.

You would never know the pain this heart has had to bear, when meeting me and the joy that fills my heart and floods my smile.  But the marks of growth and grace, flood the words my heart will speak to you.  The pain that bore fruit.  It was slow, hard, and daily surrender.

And it is all good.

There is Life in the Light.   Allume – Living.

Do you believe this?  I understand if you are not able to fully embrace this right now.  Our journeys are all different.

But, I do believe that we can walk them together.  Can I walk beside you today?  And join you on bent knees?

Comments

  1. I knew this story was yours before I even got to the bottom of the post.  And I know through your kindness that you have done this and still do.  Your gentle understanding to me through the past few months have been such a treasure.  I look so forward to hugging your neck and sharing all of the things the Lord has been doing.  Daily surrender…whether life is hard or easy, the task at hand is the same….daily surrender.

     A friend of ours was preaching at church on Sunday and he said “When we are desperate…we WILL find God.”  It’s the grabbing onto the hem of his garment, the yelling out of blind eyes that want to see and saying “Son of David…DON”T PASS ME BY!”  And he won’t.  He doesn’t.  He never did.

    Love to you sweet September.

    • I love those words Logan!  Don’t pass me by!  Amen!  I have been praying for you.  You are a blessing to so many.  Keep your Allume Light Shining!  Love to you.  ( And I cannot wait to hug your neck also!)  🙂

  2. September, you are an inspiring breath of fresh air:) I have been so blessed to find you in the blogosphere so I can “hear” your voice and perspective. Your words help me as I navigate through my difficult time.  Thanks, September! 

    • Aww Mandy,
        What an immeasurable amount of grave God gives each one of us daily.  If I only could grasp it. Your comment has left reminded of how God works through each and everyone of us…Thank you for blessing me with YOUR encouragement!   Praying for you as you bend your knees today.  He is right there beside you.  

  5. I really needed this challenge today. Thank you for aharing from your heart, pain, sorrow, and joy. Blessings!

    • Jody,  Thank you for sharing your heart.  I will be praying for you and other sisters that want to live in the light.  Be encouraged my friend – He is always faithful!  

  6. Beautifully written!  Your post made me realize that there are still some hurts and fears that I am holding onto with clenched fists too. This encourages me to believe that I will find peace and joy if I let go instead of just keeping my fists clenched to keep myself from having to deal with it all…

    • Misty – Even after writing this -in the middle of the night – the Lord showed me other areas I am holding onto as well.  Your tender heart encourages me and others as well to just  – let – go.  Abide.  My word for the day.  Thank you for sharing that with me.  So glad you stopped by!

  7. So very beautiful, September. I can relate in so many ways. In my own flesh, I would never choose the painful path. However, the painful path has always been the one that leads me Home. Thank you for sharing your story. *hugs*!!

    • Lizzie,
         I am thankful for your open heart here. I am always blessed to me “new” Allume friends.  Aren’t you glad that we don’t choose our own paths!  Amen sister!

  8. The pain that bears fruit. Oh, it can be such a laborious delivery followed by difficult growth as we undergo our tiny, hard-shelled seed to sweet and rich, albeit blemished, fruit metamorphosis. My heart and prayers are with you. And yes, we can all walk together, arm in arm, helping to support one another as we fall, both along the intertwined branches of this web and along the twisting and winding roads of this world.

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