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Marriage: Community

By

I don’t have to tell you now that you can’t make it on your own.

But think back to the day you got married. The little groom and the little bride on the top of the cake stood all alone up there, and you both thought:

“It’s you and me against the world.”

“We can make it on our own.”

“Everything will be okay if I have you, only you.”

“We can do this: you and me.”

Add to that the innately American ideal of individuality, that we truly CAN be okay alone and make it on our own and we’re left with couples who have a hard time ever asking for help when they struggle.

We are fed a lie when we get married that says we can make it in isolation and that if we ask for help then it signifies an emergency. Not wanting to burden others or fearing what our families or pastors would thing if we admitted struggle, we suffer in silence. And in some circles, it’s still taboo to seek professional help for relationship trouble.

We suffer through pornography addictions, through sarcasm, through depression and through simply not getting along. We try to wade through it all by ourselves until we get to a place where it actually is a crisis and by then, in some cases, it seems like its too late.

In almost 16 years of marriage I’ve learned a few things. One of them is that we cannot and will not make it without a loving community of others who have agreed to walk with us through life. And I’ve also learned that we all need the occasional tune up in really good marriage and family counseling.

Community is absolutely necessary to a good marriage. Whether it’s a church small group that you attend, a collection of friends from college that all got married at the same time as you or even just a few couples that you feel comfortable sharing it all with, I believe that we can’t make our marriages work without community.

We NEED mentors. We NEED friends who believe in our relationships. We absolutely need others in our lives to help us walk through the hard things.

When Chad and I went through our marriage crisis eight years ago, we not only sought professional help, but we gathered a small group of both peers and mentors who knew almost all of the details of the crisis, who loved us and who were committed to seeing our marriage succeed.

Six months later we stood with them on a beach and recommitted our lives to each other and to the God who rescued us.

We needed them and we still need a community of friends who are committed to us.

So today, ask yourself: who are the mentors, the counselors, and the peers in marriage that walk your life with you and with whom there is a mutual understanding that both prayer and struggle will be shared. Ask yourself who those people are. If you don’t have someone or a group of others who support you in your relationship with your spouse, pray that God brings people into your life that will be life-breathing and helpers to you in your marriage.

 Who are your mentors? Do you have a community who is committed to the success of your marriage? How has community helped your marriage?

 

By Sarah Markley, Allume 2012 speaker who blogs about grace, second chances and relationships at sarahmarkley.com. She’s actively trying to live in a marriage that’s open to scrutiny by her community and who has not been afraid to seek counseling in times of struggle.

This is the last in Sarah’s Tuesday marriage series. To read her other posts on grace and honesty in marriage, click here and here. To read her suggestions on how to live a more intentional marriage, click here. Find her Facebook community here and find her on twitter here.

Comments

  1. So true, Sarah. When my husband and I had been married for only six months, we started going to a new church, and were absolutely amazed at the difference it made in our marriage (hearing the Word solidly preached each Sunday, having godly older men and women involved in our lives, praying as a community for individuals and their needs). Things hadn’t seemed bad before that, it was only as they improved that we noticed how much better things could be. Thank God for His grace, and that He saves individuals not to live alone, but within the context of both the local and universal body!

  3. So many times a young couple gets married and they ‘play house’ for years not really realizing the power of what they said ‘on that day’ in front of others. I ‘commit to love you’ for better or worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, these are words of commitment. They will happen, the worse comes or the poorer times come, sickness brings you both down, babies come and they change your dynamics. Nothing really prepares a couple for the reality but I have to say, 38 years later, it is worth it. All of it. The good and the bad. We are a family and our children and our grandchildren know that it is important to us.
    Community is crucial for a young couple to make it, and if one can have ‘older mentors’ that is even more of a blessing.  

  4. Oh Sarah, this is absolutely true. I’ve only been married for a little over a year, but this is a lesson we learn time and time again. They say it takes a village to raise a child; I think it takes a village to feed a marriage. Thank you for sharing this — it’s a message that cannot stay silent.

  5. My marraige has been on one level or another of crisis since nearly it’s inception (11 years). I pray and fast regularly, seeking God’s will and continue to hear that he has plans to redeem my marraige for his glory -so I have contuned to find a way to process the hurts and lean on God so that I can stay in a challenging situation just a bit longer. My group of friends have been pivitol in helping me to not just survive, but find moments of thriving in this rather long season. Some have not been able to share the burden throughout the years, but I am so thankful for those that are pro-marriage on Gods terms as they are a great encouragement to me. In fact, I believe that the thing that will finally bring my marraige through this season is my husband finding friends that he is willing to open up to, either individually for us as a couple.

    • Jenn, I have a similar marriage experience, and we are just now getting to the point where my husband will “open up” to anyone (namely, our marriage counselor).  I too believe that God does not plan to leave us stranded in a miserable situation – He has great plans for our marriages and He will be glorified!  Keep leaning on Him.  Your faith and testimony are an encouragement to me. God bless you!

      • It’s good to know people are going through similar situations and staying strong despite struggles. My church family is helping me out. The problem is my husband doesn’t think there is a problem and that I’m making up problems; thus, he’s not interested in working on things because in his opinion there’s nothing to work on. I pray he will realize that I’m struggling and feeling alone.

  6. Beautiful message.  My husband and I have been married (in 3 weeks) 11 years and our small group at church has saved us.  It’s not always the huge issues, but rather the small ones, over time that build up until it is something huge (or at least seems that way).  Talking to others who are going through things, or have been through them and have seen the other side, is the only way to make it sometimes.  I intend to counsel both of my children when they are engaged, to know, it isn’t a fairy tale. . .it’s a marriage, and in the end that life you share together is much better than a story.

    • Hey Kara! Saw your comment here and just wanted to reach out. Friends, whether single OR married, are so important to a married relationship. I value both married and non-married friends, and both have offered support in phenomenal ways. God uses everyone in our lives for certain. In my opinion, you can and should be part of the community of support for those you love, simply by being an encouraging friend.

    •  The community you need is a different one that married couples need. Marriage brings a whole set of challenges unique to its situation. Single people have their own challenges, and it’s important to plug into a group that will nurture you and your spiritual growth, but that is geared to you and the challenges you are experiencing. I went to a Bible Study that was very helpful with my spiritual walk before I got married. It was so refreshing because it was geared around making everyone feel welcome, and being open about struggles and actually committing to praying for each other. If you can plug into something like that, it will help tremendously!

      •  I disagree to some extent.  I think it *is* useful for singles to have single friends who know their struggles, and for married people to have married friends, moms with mom friends, etc.  As a newlywed, there are times when I really value women who are at my stage who can say things like, “Oh, we had that struggle too when we were married,” just so I know that our issues are normal.  HOWEVER, I think it is so important for people of all ages and stages to be together in the church, in small groups, etc., so that they learn and appreciate each other’s joys and struggles.  When I was single, I was part of several mixed age Bible study groups and it was so valuable to see people at different places in their walk.  I could see how marriage and parenting have their own challenges, and that kept me from idolizing marriage, yet I could also see the joy and growth that they bring.  Not only that, but having friends of various stages keeps you from having to find a new group of friends when you make that switch; I’ve definitely seen people with all single friends feel really isolated when they are married and can no longer keep up with the single lifestyle.

    • Of course!! We have many singles who are a part of our community of support. This was just a series on marriage specifically and when it comes to specific issues regarding marriage, we usually either go to a therapist or to another couple who is married. Just like I ask other mothers questions about mothering. I had no intention of leaving out singles at all. Singles make up at least half of my girl friends and we love their input into our life! 🙂

  8. This is good advice, but not always easy to follow. My husband and I have been married for one year. When we married, I moved from the home I grew up in (I lived there for 18 years) to a new state where we knew no one (he’s Air Force). Making friends has been very difficult, and not because we haven’t tried. It just seems that no one likes us. Our church does “community groups” – pretty much to fulfill this purpose – and one finally started up near our home. I think it was the second week of going that I realized that not only do we not fit in, these people just don’t like us very much. I shared some of the struggles we were having (at that time, it was unforeseen financial costs for a pet), and they *laughed* at me. It’s all well and good to say “you need community!” but it has to go both ways. I am sick and tired of reaching out to and accepting people, only to have them spit in my face, either two weeks or two years later. After being burned so many times in the past, it’s incredibly discouraging, and I have almost given up trying to make friends with these people. It’s not just the few couples at the community group – in the church, everyone has already paired off in their little cliques, and we are on the outside of all of them. We don’t even fit in with the younger couples who are nearer our age. I really like the pastor’s teaching and the goals which the church has. And people are all friendly on strictly surface levels. But the moment I try to deepen a friendship is when I inevitably get burned.

    •  Hi Julie – i’m so so sorry that you’ve been hurt in community. We have too on many occasions and usually by Christians. I agree wholeheartedly that it goes both ways. I will be praying for you that you will find that right group of people who accept you and your husband. there has been long seasons of our married life that we haven’t had real friends (last year being a huge one), so i do understand that part of it. thank you for being so open and honest in your comment =)

  9. You’re right about asking for help when we are struggling. My husband is recently unemployed. Because of his diabetes, we will have to be on Cobra. I have been hesitant to approach the church and ask for help, because,his unemployment and our savings is NOT going to cover it. It’s hard to admit that you need help. 

    • It is! But God designed us to work together as a community. When we do, we will see such blessings for our lives and others. I am sorry about your husbands job. I pray that he finds a new one soon and that all of your needs are met.

  10. I can NOT begin to tell you just HOW MUCH I NEEDED TO HEAR EVERYTHING you had to say here. As I am ALWAYS made to feel SELFISH for wanting to try & get together with other “Christian” married couples & have some friends of our own & in our life. As the ONLY friends we have are my husbands single hunting buddies. My husband & I have been married now for almost 5 yrs & I have been trying to get him to see that we NEED other “Christian” married couples to hang around in order to have a HEALTHY marriage, as ALL we ever do is go out with his family for breakfast/lunch on Sundays, which is really the ONLY day & time we could or would meet up with other Christians, as I can’t or couldn’t get him to do anything during the week. I can’t even get him to take a Bible Study class with me (without starting a big argument) because I would be intruding upon their (his families) territory. The few times that we did actually go to a bible study class together, it was ONLY because I told him I would just go myself then. And being that they were classes on marriage & think he knew he would just look like a fool. So he opted to not go to church, whether than miss breakfast/lunch with his family??? We are not able to do ANYTHING together as a married couple, without his family, as he has always told me that Sundays was his time to spend with ‘his’ family. I have even suggested that we (or him) get together with his family during the week, as they, his Mother & daughter only live 15 minutes from us. But as you might guess, that NEVER goes over to well. Anytime I try & speak up about it, I KNOW that there WILL BE repercussions for my doing so. Because of this, we have NEVER gotten to do any kind of volunteer work at the church in any kind either. Another problem is, he does not want to become friends with anybody from our church as he knew a lot of them from his old church, when he was married to his ex. Normally this would not be a problem, but we have had a LOT of issues with that alone, because on NUMEROUS occasions, when he would be stopped by one of them, he would not even introduce me to them???!!! It hasn’t helped any that his daughter decided to invite her mother to our church a little over 2 yrs ago & she now attends our church now quite regularly. Not a problem, under ‘normal’ circumstances, however he has had a very difficult time getting over their divorce, as well as her & even though she is remarried, this has almost caused the DESTRUCTION of our marriage. Not because of jealousy in any way, because I was friends with her, but because there has been the issue of alcoholism & that is what caused it & just exacerbates it, even more. I tried to explain this to his daughter, 6 months prior to her even bringing her to our church, but to no avail. Because of all these things I have mentioned here, I have been wanted to find another church, a church of our OWN, where we can meet other people & get involved, but there is ALWAYS a HUGE argument that follows. For 15 YEARS, Sunday was always my favorite day, now for the last several years I have come to hate it. I do not enjoy it, I actually started to have anxiety every Sunday morning about going, because I KNOW that I usually am going to have to put up with his Mother & daughter & him ganging up on me about SOMETHING. Really I have lost my relationship with the Lord due to all these pressure’s & circumstances. Now, at least I have your article to print out so I can give it to my husband, so he won’t be able to accuse me of trying to keep him from his family & come between them. Thank you SO VERY MUCH for your ENCOURAGING words. I WILL MOST DEFINITELY be following your posts. You bring comfort to my soul.

  11. I can NOT begin to tell you just HOW MUCH I NEEDED TO HEAR EVERYTHING you had to say here. As I am ALWAYS made to feel SELFISH for wanting to try & get together with other “Christian” married couples & have some friends of our own & in our life. As the ONLY friends we have are my husbands single hunting buddies. My husband & I have been married now for almost 5 yrs & I have been trying to get him to see that we NEED other “Christian” married couples to hang around in order to have a HEALTHY marriage, as ALL we ever do is go out with his family for breakfast/lunch on Sundays, which is really the ONLY day & time we could or would meet up with other Christians, as I can’t or couldn’t get him to do anything during the week. I can’t even get him to take a Bible Study class with me (without starting a big argument) because I would be intruding upon their (his families) territory. The few times that we did actually go to a bible study class together, it was ONLY because I told him I would just go myself then. And being that they were classes on marriage & think he knew he would just look like a fool. So he opted to not go to church, whether than miss breakfast/lunch with his family??? We are not able to do ANYTHING together as a married couple, without his family, as he has always told me that Sundays was his time to spend with ‘his’ family. I have even suggested that we (or him) get together with his family during the week, as they, his Mother & daughter only live 15 minutes from us. But as you might guess, that NEVER goes over to well. Anytime I try & speak up about it, I KNOW that there WILL BE repercussions for my doing so. Because of this, we have NEVER gotten to do any kind of volunteer work at the church in any kind either. Another problem is, he does not want to become friends with anybody from our church as he knew a lot of them from his old church, when he was married to his ex. Normally this would not be a problem, but we have had a LOT of issues with that alone, because on NUMEROUS occasions, when he would be stopped by one of them, he would not even introduce me to them???!!! It hasn’t helped any that his daughter decided to invite her mother to our church a little over 2 yrs ago & she now attends our church now quite regularly. Not a problem, under ‘normal’ circumstances, however he has had a very difficult time getting over their divorce, as well as her & even though she is remarried, this has almost caused the DESTRUCTION of our marriage. Not because of jealousy in any way, because I was friends with her, but because there has been the issue of alcoholism & that is what caused it & just exacerbates it, even more. I tried to explain this to his daughter, 6 months prior to her even bringing her to our church, but to no avail. Because of all these things I have mentioned here, I have been wanted to find another church, a church of our OWN, where we can meet other people & get involved, but there is ALWAYS a HUGE argument that follows. For 15 YEARS, Sunday was always my favorite day, now for the last several years I have come to hate it. I do not enjoy it, I actually started to have anxiety every Sunday morning about going, because I KNOW that I usually am going to have to put up with his Mother & daughter & him ganging up on me about SOMETHING. Really I have lost my relationship with the Lord due to all these pressure’s & circumstances. Now, at least I have your article to print out so I can give it to my husband, so he won’t be able to accuse me of trying to keep him from his family & come between them. Thank you SO VERY MUCH for your ENCOURAGING words. I WILL MOST DEFINITELY be following your posts. You bring comfort to my soul.

    • I’m going through something similar – the going to church and Bible studies by myself, but for a different reason. He just doesn’t want to go, and it’s hard! I have a lot of support because I’m struggling and am being encouraged, but he doesn’t seem to want to hang out with Christian people (not anymore… wasn’t always this way). It’s hard to have support for both of us when he’s not interested!

  12. This is so very, very true! My husband and I almost gave up on our marriage a few years ago, when another husband and wife couple stepped up and said “Oh no you don’t”. Our marriage was put back together, better than before. Two years ago my husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness. That community that stood for us that has rallied around us now, and has made this tragic time a bit easier. Although I will admit, we suffered a year in silence, and I am not sure why. It was so freeing to finally let others in and admit we couldnt tackle this monster alone!

  13. Sarah – wonderful post. Great to see by many of the other comments how already it has been a gracious revelation. What I particularly liked about the post was the point about “intentionality.” You and Chad intentionality set out to have relationships where each could be accountable to the other. Jesus was intentional about relationships. 

    It’s not something I’ve been good at and that’s why – I haven’t been intentional about it. Thank you.

  14. Hi Sarah!  I agree with part of your message…..I have tried to confide and seek help from my own family, but in return was reminded of the help they gave my husband and I.  I don’t like people reproaching and this is exactly what happened to me.  So because of that, I only go to God with my problems and my husband and I solve our problems on our own no matter how long it takes.  I prefer to suffer than someone keep reminding me how many times they have helped my family.

  15. sarah…

    true words & an even truer heart…

    after being married for over 41 years to the most amazing girl on the planet, i spoke words that hurt her deeply just the other night…

    when she told me how deeply i had hurt her, i saw it for the first time from her point of view…there is truth that grows & words that might be true, but they cut & slash instead of do healing…

    so, with a few tears, words & hugs we made things right this morning…

    then…at a network of youth pastors later in the morning (good friends all) i shared how easily i can still damage the ones i love, even when i speak words that i believe to be true…and how necessary it is to make things right…not just “true”…

    afterwards one of the younger guys came up & thanked me for sharing so openly my own brokenness…he said it gave him courage to do some stuff he needed to do…

    our love gets deeper & stronger even as we share our broken hearts with others who can love & support us…thank you, sarah, for sharing with us!

    all my love,

    dad

  16. And it has always been TOO, that we HAVE to go to ‘this’ church, cause he has to support his oldest daughter, who got a divorce 3 YEARS prior, who was 30 YEARS OLD. Therefore we couldn’t go to any Bible Studies, and we FOR SURE couldn’t go find ourselves our OWN church, were we can grow & thrive. And leave her all by herself with just her Grandma & Grandpa, how awful of us! 

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