allume

real light living

Choose Your Words {The Stewardship of Language}

By

Word Stewardship

I’d stepped inside for just a moment, just long enough to grab the pot of macaroni and cheese off of the stove–when I heard the shouting on the patio. Ugly words flying like fiery arrows across the iron table, wounds splitting in the fray.

 A calm morning, schooling on the back porch had quickly turned into to a battlefield, as one of my children verbally attacked another over some school work. That’s when I came in on the fracas.
Stepping out the door, I heard him tearing at her, ripping her apart for her failure to do the work the way he thought it ought to be done. But instead of offering her help, and accepting her decision to decline his help, he went on the offense, attacking her as a person, tearing at her character, shouting her down–calling her names.

I grabbed his arm firm, and leaned in close enough–eye to eye. I hushed him, and sent him immediately in the house. His head hung and my heart beat wild in my chest.

His showing was hideous. But it hit me even harder that day because I’m still trying to get over another painful display of words that I witnessed, only that one wasn’t in my back yard–it was in my online neighborhood, and that’s still too close for comfort.

There’s something that happens online–in comment boxes, and on social media. I’ve seen it in blog posts and status updates, in 140 character tweets. Poor stewardship of words. You’ve seen it too. I’ve done it. It’s ugly and it hurts.

We justify our poor choice of language by claiming that we are merely “speaking the truth in love” but the truth is that, out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. And so these careless words–supposedly spoken out of love, are revealed for their true identity.

It can be easy in this online world to forget that attached to that tiny, motionless avatar, is a real living person, with feelings and a soul. Maybe they know Jesus. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they don’t know your brand of Jesus. Maybe they don’t share your politics. And with every difference, we find it a little easier to vomit stones in their direction, while we attempt to cover the mess under the blanket of Christian love.

Sisters, God has given us the gift (and it is a gift) of language, and like all of our gifts, we are called to use them wisely–for His glory. We are called to good stewardship of our words:

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

1 Peter 4:10 NIV

I’ve watched the body cut and rip at each other, attacking motives and character, when someone disagrees with our point of view. I have my own opinions about how I think things ought to be, and sometimes, I don’t see eye to eye with you.

Sometimes, all I have are ugly, sinful, hurtful words, and so I have to click away. I confess. I repent, I grieve my own sinful attitudes…

Because I have to choose–love or hate.

We don’t have to tear at the very fiber of those we disagree with, just because we disagree with them.

There’s a difference between civil dialogue and character assassination thinly disguised as discussion. <–Tweet this

***

Inside, I cornered my child by the stove. With a hand on his shoulder, I repeated his hurtful words to him, I asked him how he thought they sounded. His tears spilled and I fought hard to hold my own back.

“Your need to be right and have things your way, doesn’t trump the need to show love to her”. 

He won’t look at me, and I get it. Shame weighs a lot. We bow our heads together and I hold him. I’m thinking about his sister half torn on that patio and my online sister half shredded by the ugly words and accusations hurled in the name of  “love”.

Disagreement doesn’t come with permission to gnaw at the soul of another member of the body. We are called to be good stewards of our words. 

As members of one body our speech ought to be loving and kind.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

“She’s your sister,” I told him. “You are to love her, to protect her, to build her up–not tear her down. If you cannot say something kind, walk away.”

What if we learned to walk away when we didn’t have anything nice to say?  What if we set aside our need to be right, and have it our way, in order to better demonstrate love to others?

Maybe, we need to love not lecture.

Good stewardship of our language sometimes looks like holding our tongues.

Choosing our words carefully.

Extending some grace.

And asking for forgiveness when we’ve mishandles the gifts we’ve been given.

Comments

  1. Hi Kris, I’m pretty new to blog reading (and writing) but already I am able to understand what you are saying here about commenting, and being good stewards of our words. I love your thoughts and your encouragement to us in this. I too, often see my own self in my kids (the good and the bad). Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us and getting us thinking. I want to be a good steward with my words!

    • Bless you, my friend. Thank you for reading here and sharing your kind encouragement with me. I am truly grateful, and I pray that we’d all learn and live this well–myself too, as I can be so sharp tongued. Bless you! ((hugs))

    • Thank you for your honesty, Jennifer. I’ve been there too many times myself. This struggle is not yours alone. Praying God would show His grace and repair the damage that may have been done. (hugs)

  3. Because I’m a “word” girl – and my love language is words of affirmation – I far too often have my heart hurt by this very thing. It’s interesting for me to watch people, like my husband, who can let words roll off and not be impacted by them because for me? They all make a way to my heart, good or bad, and it’s the thing the enemy also uses to convince me to leave community or give up on a God Sized Dream. Good words here, my friend. So glad you shared.

    • I hear you–this makes me think of that nonsensical saying about “sticks and stones”. The truth is, words Do hurt. A lot. Praying for us both as we learn to use our gifts well–always for HIS glory.

  4. This is a fantastic and honest post. It is sad, seeing ladies tear one another down via social media when we can be lifting each other up in community! And I just love the sibling story. We’ve had a few squabbles here lately, too. May we encourage and instill that “love talk” to our kiddos as well. You are a great mama and writer!

    • It is sad. When I think of how it grieves me, and then consider how it must grieve the Lord, it gives me much pause to consider how I speak to his children–my fellow members of the body.

  5. Kris, I so appreciate your words. I have noticed saracasm rearing its ugly head frequently online… I don’t like it in real life, and I think it’s even worse online. I really like your post and I’ll be sharing it.

  6. Very recognizable! I like your story. Very well you write about this. Sometimes it is a struggle. My daughter (12) often says ugly words. Then she hides behind her ADHD. But everyone can learn, with the help of the Lord, that we should be careful with our words. Thank you for this lesson. ( For me personally too, though I’m more of a thinker than a talker ). http://kostbaar.blogspot.nl/

  7. Preach it, girl. Bless you for writing this…as we ALL struggle with the ugliness of our words because we all struggle with the ugly inside our hearts. May He continue to transform us with His love, and may we run hard after that work of love. Thank you for this beautiful, truth-in-love challenge 🙂

  8. Thanks for this, Kris. I always have a choice to build up, tear down…or walk away. I pray I will walk away when I can’t build up.

    • Amen. Praying we take the time to consider our options before speaking/writing. It’s always easier to think first then to apologize later. Oh, how many times I have to learn this lesson….

  9. Amen, glory, alleluia, preach it shout it whisper it. This is important, kind and filled with truth and grace. thank you friend. You steward well your gifts.

  10. Well said. Whether in the family, the workforce, the neighborhood, the church, or online, we all need to be good stewards of our words. Passing this post on to others. THanks.

  12. Amen! So well said. I think we ALL need this reminder often. Because words are powerful and will be remembered LONG after they are spoken or written. I still remember hurt filled words spoken to me years and years ago and it grieves me to know that I’ve been guilty of being the sword of my own hurt filled words. My prayer often is that God would grace my words and give me wisdom to say what is good and pure and right. Thank you for this!

    • I think it’s a beautiful thing to pray for God’s wisdom with choosing our words, and then being willing to wait on Him to help us speak. I find my words are most poorly chosen when cast in haste. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  13. truth-in-love is such a difficult balance to strike, and somehow perception always seems to be in the eye of the beholder. ugly, careless words grieve me greatly, too, but so often in christian blogging, any critique or argument, not matter how carefully crafted, is characterized as personal attack. i agree with everything you’ve called us to here, and yet i wonder if in practice we might still interpret specific situations differently.

    sometimes as a community it seems like we’ve made niceness into a fruit of the spirit, trading hard-wrought shalom for the appearance of peace (and the preservation of the status quo). i want to live a love that honors the image of God in all my brothers and sisters without shying away from hard conversations about power, justice, or harmful theology.

    • Suzannah, it is a difficult balance. I’m curious as to what you mean when you say, “interpret specific situations differently,” I don’t believe it’s ever justifiable to cut others with our words to prove a point. Sarcasm, for example, can be very hard to read in print, people often misunderstand the intention of the remark because the tone cannot be *heard*. Perhaps we ought to reconsider sarcasm in general, as it literally means “the tearing of flesh”. Context of course, is also always relevant when considering how to respond.

      Kindness, gentleness and self control are all fruits of the Spirit, and when we insist on proving our point to the detriment of another, we are exercising none of these. One person’s bad theology is another person’s gospel truth. To determine truth, all theology must be held up to the scriptures, rather than the scriptures held up to our theology… I still think we can engage in debate with each other, without resorting to character assassination. 🙂

      The bottom line for me, (because I am a bottom line kind of gal) is that scripture calls us to love above all else. We are called to be proclaimers of truth- God’s truth, not our own personal beliefs that we sometimes mistake for truth. The truth is sometimes offensive to some people, but Christ told us that this would be so. And so I don’t think we can always say something that doesn’t offend anyone, and while this is disheartening, I believe when we have been faithful to speak kindly and honestly, then the offended is responsible for how they process the discussion.

      If I say something that is fully scriptural to someone, and they are offended by this truth, then I rest in the knowledge that ultimately, it is not I who have offended but the Word of God. God can handle that. But if I speak words that are not supported by scripture, and offend someone, then it is entirely possible that my method of sharing was faulty and perhaps I need to seek their forgiveness -and we can agree to disagree.

      I’m afraid I have rambled a bit in response. I really did not want to write this post at all, to be honest. But When I sat down, this is the message I felt truly burdened to share. I pray even now, I have not offended in my replies, because Lord knows, I speak with a forked tongue and my throat is too often an open grave.

      Thank you for grace, still learning with you. ~kris

      • kris, i appreciate your responding. of course i agree with you that healthy debate precludes character assassination, but some christians are uncomfortable with all forms of disagreement and debate. i have read–and participated in–online discussions that i thought were exceedingly gracious and fair (absent namecalling/impugned motives, etc) and still seen them characterized as divisive personal attack. i wholly stand with you in desiring to raise the bar to honor each other with our words, but some unity pleas and calls to grace serve (unintentionally) to silence healthy dissent and marginalized perspectives, which doesn’t ultimately honor God or the people made in his image.

        i can totally understand not wanting to engage, but digging in and disagreeing isn’t inherently sinful or disobedient. sometimes love looks like sticking up for the underdog or shining light in a dark place. engagement can be a crucial step toward the kind of understanding that leads to repentance, reconciliation, and growing the Kingdom of God among us.

  14. Oh my, I am learning this every day. Thank you for saying these words to me. May God redeem our hearts so it shows on our tongues!

  15. I hurt when I see people berating each other via the comment box or social media. It is so disturbing. You did a beautiful job at hitting the point home. And you, truly, did it in love! 🙂

    • Yes, it is very hard to watch, and honestly, I click away, a lot. I rarely engage in those conversations because I just find them so disturbing. I trembled posting this, it is a touchy subject and I feel most insufficient in sharing this. Lets just say writing this was more an act of obedience, rather than a personal desire to write about speaking the truth in love. Bless you friend, thank you for encouraging me–it means more than I can say.

  16. Oh mylanta, yes…let’s strive for this.

    My grandmother used to tell me that all comebacks require further comebacks. It’s best to leave the come…back.

    Maybe we need to focus more on loving transparently instead of living transparently. cuz I have to believe grace resides in the former…regardless, my words deserve a second glance. thank you.

    • loving transparently, yes. Lord make my heart willing and able. It is no easy thing–I know. Thank you, Nikki, for speaking truth to me, and encouraging me with kind words. I am blessed to the moon and back for having you in my life. XO

  17. amen. and a keen awareness of all the times i’ve chosen to be right or righteously indignant when the better, the beautiful, choice would have been righteousness. oh how i long for my life {my words!} to be filled with restraint and grace, with kindness and mercy. this morning i read proverbs 15:23, “everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time.” sometimes living there means saying nothing and trusting that the right thing in all times is love.

  18. The older I get…the more I am seeing the need for less words….there is a saying….there is an ocean full that could be said…but a thimbleful that should be said…..I have been drowning in the ocean of words for too long….so thankful He never tires of His transforming work. Great post kris……blessings~

  19. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” says Thumper in “Bambi”, and I repeat that to my children almost constantly. Remembering to live by that adage myself…well, that’s a little harder. And while I’m not confrontational enough to “get ugly” face to face, I am very capable of using unkind words behind someone’s back, which is known as gossip. Either way, I need to be reminded that I am to be a good steward of my words. Thanks!

  21. Just beautiful, Kris. I wrote a while back on a gal I worked with I nicknamed “Brutally Frank”. She would preface every comment with, “Well, to be brutally frank…” In retrospect, she was a very unhappy woman with little self esteem, and her way of raising herself up was in tearing others down.
    Thanks for sharing how you handled your son’s outburst. It’s all too easy to turn on our kids and do to them what we are scolding them for.

  22. We have 14 year old Triplets (two boys & a girl, which always presents an interesting ‘parenting dynamic’). We do not ‘home school’ them but I have learned from what you wrote.

    Kris, thank you for words you spoke to your children to teach them.

    • Dave, wow that is a fascinating dynamic, though I can only imagine the struggles that come with it too. 😉 thanks for sharing some encouragement here, it’s a blessing and a bit of a surprise to see you here–I like it! 🙂 God bless you brother, as you parent and serve well.

  23. Hi Kris! I hope that it’s okay for a mere man to comment! 🙂 Point is that we, too, are guilty of poor word stewardship – and we can be as hurt as anyone else when others are guilty of that towards us.

    You are so right in emphasising that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks! That’s why we need to keep our hearts open to God the Holy Spirit. When He is there … … !!!

    Be blessed in your multi-ministry.

    Shalom.

    • C. Ross, thank you for adding to the discussion! I rather like seeing a man chime in here! 🙂 Stewardship of our words is universal, and of course, men and women are equally effected by the misuse of words. Being open to the Lords guidance is so necessary. Thank you! God bless you, and thanks for braving this feminine space

Categories

Archives

Google+