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Personal Testimony – Private Family

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the words “authentic” and “real” are fun little buzzwords in the blogging community. as writers and community leaders it’s safe to say that we strive for authenticity and truth in our writing and our interactions with our readers. where’s the line, though?

at what point do we draw the line and say “i will not write about this”?

earlier this year, at Allume the following question was posed during the writer’s lab in which Mary DeMuth, Denise Eide, Sarah Markleyand I all spoke. i can’t speak for the other ladies or share their opinions on the matter, but i wanted to address this question here.

what advice would you give to someone that wants to share their personal testimony, but comes from a “private” family?

first of all, your life is your life. i do, however understand being mindful of others involved in the story. i’m divorced. i have to be quite sensitive about what i write pertaining to the divorce online for the following two reasons: one, my ex-husband is still their dad and i don’t want them reading details online. secondly, i have no right to speak badly about another person which leads into my next point.

Mary DeMuth talked briefly about the fact that when she wrote her memoir, she told it from a child’s point of view instead of pointing fingers. she relayed her experience as she experienced it. (Mary, correct me if i’m wrong on how i explained that.)

honestly, there’s a lot that i don’t write about on my blog. i can be authentic, meaning i’m truthful and honest and i tell it like it is without telling you bluntly about every little detail of my life. i did not write about my divorce or separation while i was going through it. i mentioned being a single mom in my posts and some of my friends and loyal readers picked up on it and cared enough to email me to inquire about it, but other than that, people skimmed right over it. now that the divorce is finalized, i can finally feel free to blog a bit more about it. that happens to me quite frequently.

rarely do i blog about something that i’m experiencing WHILE i’m in the midst of it. more often i process it after the fact by writing about it.

most of all, i want to give you permission. permission to write, to process, and to eventually publish if that’s what you think you should do. just because you write something doesn’t mean you need to publish it. i’d begin by writing your testimony. you might want to have your husband and another trusted mentor read it. then pray about it. if you are getting the go-ahead on all fronts, then by all means publish it. it is your story. be sure you publish it mindfully and check your motives. the point of a testimony is glory to God for what He did, not an opportunity to publicly vilify or shame a third party.

so that’s my answer.

what do you think? how do you handle sharing your personal testimony or experiences when you come from a private family or your story involves others? i’d love to hear your thoughts.

happy weekend,

KJ Tanner

Comments

  1. As always, I think you are “spot on” with this analysis. It is something you have told me personally and it is something that I am working on. Just not ready to hit the publish button yet….and I may never be ready to publish some things, but the advice you give here is excellent.

    So grateful to call you my friend!

    • Mary!!! Love you, lady! And that thing that you are working on and writing about? Keep writing. Even if you aren’t ready to publish (even if you never publish it) the practice of writing through it is improving your writing as well as helping you work through it. **hugs** just keep writing.

  2. OH, what a great question. I agree that allowing time to process…and hearts to heal is always best when writing about any situation that is hurtful. Joyful moments….those can be best in the moment. For me…the buzz about authenticity is not so much about writing what is going on in your family, but not writing one thing while running around and doing something else. I loved how Sarah Mae was willing to express how she has been impacted both negatively and positively by her ‘blessings’…. And, as Laura Story shares her heart in her music….like “Blessings”….she’s being real and that song is so much part of her life, it is her life…..but, it’s based on God’s glory through Blessings found in hard times. I think this is one of my favorite posts this week. It’s definitely a lot to consider and I’ll stop ‘rambling’ now.

    • Oh Rebecca, ramble away! That’s what we bloggers are great at, eh? I love that song by Laura Story as well. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your words.

  3. The advice to have trusted mentors read over your more “private” topics is great, as are checing your motives and waiting until after the moment has passed. I would add another caveat to your list: What is there to be gained vs what is there to be lost? While your motives may be pure, is the pain you are going to cause going to be worth it? We are ultimately responsible for what we publish, but not for how folks respond. However, we have to be prepared for storms if we are publishing snapshots of our private lives that involve others.

    I like the “looking back from the future” exercise to help me gain perspective. If I mentally move forward a year, or even five or ten, and imagine myself looking back on this decision, what will I wish I had done? This has provided some pretty interesting and valuable insight into my decision making.

  4. I was struggling with this and once wrote something that hurt my friend’s feelings. So my husband wrote a note to put above my computer. It says, “Who’s going to read this, and what will they think?” It helps a lot to ask myself that before I hit “publish”.
    I pray God will heal your wounded soul after the pain of divorce. May He make something beautiful out of the ashes.

  5. I absolutely agree. I wrote about something like this on my blog this week–about why I blog. I wrote that I am into telling the details and not keeping things hidden; but I suppose I failed to mention that it certainly does not include hurting another person in the process.

    Maybe I’ll speak of a situation in detail from a different angle–such as my pain and how God is using it rather than the reasons. Yes, it is so important to be lead by the Spirit, which I also mentioned in my post. Good thoughts here, Kristina!

    • Christin, I love the way you write and the details you share. I’m a super-detail oriented person, however knowing that, I need to make sure that I don’t get into a “he said she said” kind of thing. 🙂

  6. As a former pastor’s wife, I intensionally never mentioned a specific church or the garbage that went on in the ministry there. And yet, even when I completely avoided it, I was still accused of ‘complaining about the church and its members’. Someone wrote this accusation out, publishing it in written form, and passed it out to over 100 people. In print. uhmmm… that is called libel, not just slander, because it was put into writing and published. As bloggers we need to keep this in mind… are we committing libel if we hit publish? Because it is a legal offense. The woman that published that had quite obviously never read my blog. (why would I want that kind of poison ruining my blog?) Yes, my ‘hits’ skyrocketed for a few days, but no one ever found any evidence to support her claims. Now that we are away from that particular church I am still hesitant to reference it… and when it comes up it is often referred to in nondescript ways.

    • I’m so sorry that you had that experience, Sharon. Yes, we must always be careful about the details and how we are presenting facts. Thanks for sharing here.

  7. I’ve heard a lot of questions about this and wrote a blog post awhile back regarding it.

    The main points where:
    1. Timing {there is a time to be silent and a time to speak}
    2. Redemption {writing and publishing from the middle of frustration, before you can see God working, will always result in regret.}
    3. Write about YOU. {not them or what they did to you– but you and your response}

    For example: I don’t need to know that your mother-in-law said something cruel to you. Suffice it to say that cruel words were spoken. Now, how did you deal with them?

  8. The Bible says there is life and death in the power of our words. So, I process it this way. Is it life giving or taking? Will the VICTORY I have bless others that are in the process? Victory is being healed and set free from bondage of sin, unforgiveness, shame, guilt, bitterness, anger etc. If I don’t have victory in that area I don’t write about it. Or if it won’t edify or encourage everyone mentioned in it, then I don’t write about it. God is a wise investor and will not waste any hardship. Some of the hardships turn into destroying the enemy for what he put me through. But, if it destroys a person it’s not God prompting me to write it. Some of those are meant to be private victories with eternal rewards. Thanks for bringing this important subject up.

  9. Great thoughts! Like you mention, I think everyone will deal with this differently. For me, I definitely have some hard lines (no husband-bashing!), and some other things I try to consider:

    1. Does it focus on my shortcomings or someone else’s. (I don’t think it’s right for me to share someone else’s shortcomings, but if my struggles can help someone else, then I’m usually willing to share…);
    2. Will it injure a relationship or person? If so, it’s probably not worth it…although in some cases it may still be necessary
    3. What is my motivation for sharing? Will it bring glory to God and/or potentially bring healing to someone else, or even myself? I shared a bit about depression on my blog because even though it’s hard for me to share, I felt like God was leading me to share and that others could benefit from the sharing.

    There are many parts of my story that I probably won’t ever share because it would be painful for others in my life, people who have grown and changed and it would do more harm than good.

    Great topic!

  10. i remember when that question was asked at the conference and i internally winced. i was fresh from my first big failure in the department. any other year, i would have listened and self-righteously listed my clear lines of demarcation that i follow in this area including having my husband read any posts i have questions about b/c he is more alert to potential land mines than i am.

    but not long before the conference, i was truly in the middle of a dilemma. i cautiously wrote about it b/f it was fully resolved…being careful to not make myself the heroine of the story…or demonize the other parties involved. I carefully covered their identities as well, masking some of the details of the story.

    but i still caused offense. interestingly, some of the less involved characters became concerned about the situation appropriately. a friend from church asked me about it b/c she was praying, but i had to take the post down. i still feel that it was one of the most raw posts i have written and showed vulnerability on my part that is difficult to show in posts.

    it also showed me some flaws in relationships that i didn’t know were there…at least to that degree. that has been the sad part. i am sad that the post caused hurt…but even now, i’m not 100% certain that the post was written wrongly. it was a great exercise for me to have to write about a difficult topic from another perspective. i also think it was helpful for the few people who were able to read it that even a long time christian, pastor’s wife and whatever…still has relationship struggles and often is totally unsure how to deal with them.

    since i didn’t give away what the relationship was or who it concerned, i was quite surprised about the offense that was taken. sometimes, we just don’t know the outcome and because it has a negative one, we assume it was not right to put it up ever.

    i totally agree that living on the side of caution as i do, is usually the best plan…but not always.

  11. My parents are currently going through a divorce and was considering writing about it on my blog. I thought it would be a good testimony to other women my age who might be going through the same thing and need someone to relate to. I have not posted anything yet because I am not sure that this is something God wants me to share right now. I think it is important to share things with others even if some of the details are personal. You just have to make sure that it is the right time to share and that God gives you the right words to share with others. I hope that God can use me at some point to share my story of what I have had to go through with my parents divorce, because its good to let others know they are not the only ones and it also gives them encouragement!!

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