Kristina

on getting right again

May 17, 2013 By Kristina • 11 Comments

I like to look good. Not in a fashionable sense, per se, but in an “I’m a good person sort of way.” My children have taught me that no matter how hard I try I will never have it all together, but that doesn’t keep me from trying. I’ve struggled with this for years and more recently found myself lying to cover up bad decisions I was making. Even though it was the furthest thing from my conscious mind I had allowed myself to become like the Pharisees in Matthew 23. I looked great on the outside, but inside, I was dying.

The choice to follow Jesus is not just the initial choice to admit, believe, and confess–it is also the daily, momentary choice to choose rightly. Not choose easy. Not choose convenience. Choose right. Choose truth. Choose life. No matter how many bad/wrong choices you’ve made you can always choose in this very moment to do what’s right.

From one girl who desperately needs Jesus to help her choose right in THIS moment to another here are a few things that help me forgo the easy and choose Jesus.

1) Wise Counsel - It is so important to have wise and Godly counsel on your side. These are the people with whom you can be completely honest and who you know will be completely honest back with you. In my life, I had gotten to a point where I was avoiding these people/didn’t want to tell them all the nitty gritty details because I knew they would call me out on it. If you find yourself isolating from the wise counsel in your life, I urge you to instead run to them. Share with them.

2) Make scripture easily accessible - this can be done by not only reading the Bible regularly, but also putting scripture where you will see it. For some of us that may mean sticking post-it notes throughout our houses. For others it may mean writing in a journal. I typed some pertinent scriptures out in the “notes” section of my iPhone, took a screenshot, and set it as my lock screen on my iPhone so every time I turn on the phone I see scripture.

3) Come clean - be honest. There was some nitty gritty truth I had to face. I had to tell close friends that yes, I had lied. I was a hypocrite. I put looking good above being honest and in doing so I brought shame, but you know what? The minute I said I was sorry, the moment I turned the other direction…forgiveness was there.

That’s the same for you, friend. This Allume community, we’re about real light living. That means that we forgive, we embrace, and most of all, we stay. We are here. However public or private your issues we are here and we are cheering you on in your deliverance.

Here is one of my all time favorite quotes via the wonderfully insightful, C. S. Lewis:

“I do not think that all who choose wrong roads perish; but their rescue consists of being put back on the right road. A sum can be put right: but only by going back till you find the error and working it afresh from that point, never by simply going on. Evil can be undone, but it can not ‘develop’ into good. Time does not heal it.” –p. VIII, The Great Divorce

When you’ve had to say you’re sorry and turn around from a bad decision, what helped you? What steps did you take to get right again?

Kristina lives around the corner from her grandparents in the same small town in which she grew up. When she isn’t reading young adult fiction or folding the endless piles of laundry you can find her blogging at redefining awesome.

I Don’t Do Change Well

April 12, 2013 By Kristina • 14 Comments

The mud sticks to my shoes and I’m at a loss whether to wear my dress shoes or my Toms. Frankly, the shockingly high temperature of 37 degrees Fahrenheit (please oh please read my sarcasm there) made me question whether or not to replace my winter boots with rain boots. The weather’s constant state of flux testifies that the seasons are indeed changing. With every pregnant wax and minimizing wane of the moon I’m reminded of the seasons and how they are all managed by the One who created them. The same One who created me.

I don’t do change well. Routine is like a large, fluffy, heirloom quilt and I snuggle in with relish and enjoy life from my perch. I like to know the big picture instead of the next illumined step–the subsequent days and months and years planned in advance. To know that last year looked like this year and that next year will look the same is so very comforting to me–except that life does not follow my desires nor my pre-planned design.

Life is a conglomeration of seasons marked by the passing of diapers to undies, five-point-harnesses to booster seats, and sippy cups to spilling milk all over the table because everyone is using “big kid cups” and someone just got excited and in reaching to steal a chip/dessert/cookie from a sibling’s plate upturned their cup. Paper towels, toilet paper, and cleaning solution are purchased in bulk. Children are undressed, bathed, and re-dressed in an assembly line. The only predictable aspect of our days is that they will be full of crazy and full of love with a large dose of mischief to keep things interesting.

I struggle with the seasonal-ness of life. Struggle to the point that I fought it for a long time…okay, honestly I still fight it. The first few weeks of a new season are the roughest for me. I complain (mostly to God and sometimes out loud) about the ills of the new routine. Really, it’s just the groaning of growing pains. My will molding to His will. My desires changing to fit His. My children protest when we go to the park instead of the bounce house or when pb&j is our lunchtime delicacy instead of pizza. I wonder, do I sometimes resemble them with my lip forced downward and my eyes narrowed, stomping my foot in protest?

Seasons are meant to change. That’s the whole point. They are a time through which to walk, to grow, to learn, and to finally put behind us. So many of us say “this too shall pass” and yes, this season shall too pass. I’m trying to not become so disillusioned with the difficult parts that I miss the blessing, because all too soon, the moon will appear to grow again, waxing gibbous and beyond to a new season…a different season. And this different season will have challenges and blessings all its own. So snuggle down, wrap the quilt around and know that this season is special in and of itself and it won’t last forever.

What season of life do you find yourself in presently? Do you find yourself eagerly awaiting the conclusion or hoping life could stay this way forever?

Kristina

@kjtanner

Kristina

moments in the seasons

March 22, 2013 By Kristina • 8 Comments

It’s unseasonably cold here in New York…or maybe it’s just that last year was unseasonably warm and I prefer it’s temperatures to the ones I’m facing now. Morning breaks just like every other morning–too early. About a month ago I would have chided myself over not waking earlier, not taking time to be in the Word before my children woke up, but i’m learning that life is only the sum of its seasons and each season calls for something different. Just as He brings the change from winter to spring He is the one who melts away the cold in our hearts to make way for new fruit to grow. Seasons.

Like I said, morning dawned early. Before you jump to a picturesque idea of morning at my house let me fill you in on the reality. Approximately at five AM my youngest will roll over in her crib and become conscious enough to notice that her pacifier is no longer in her mouth, yet she won’t be conscious enough to figure where exactly in the three foot by four foot space known as her crib the pacifier has gone. I’ll blunder out of bed as fast as I can to re-plug her before she wakes up the sleeping monster known as the three year old because if she wakes up, we all wake up. I’ll spend the next hour failing miserably at going back to sleep/keeping my mind from wandering to all the things in life that I can’t control/trying to figure out a way to control all the things I can’t control. I’ll fall back asleep about thirteen minutes before I should wake up.

Fast forward.

All four of the children are awake and in various states of chaos. One’s getting out of the shower, the other is wandering around telling anyone who’ll listen that she’ll “help” them. The other one is fully dressed, but forgot to change his underwear and the crew is rounded out by the token nudist streaking through the house decrying any kind of clothing. It’s just the normal, everyday Thursday morning and somehow the normalcy of the insanity is pushing me to my limits. I can feel the tension rising in my shoulders as the clock ticks every second closer to the deadline for school and there’s still so much on the list to finish and for heaven’s sake their is a naked child running around screeching.

“Mom, look at the beautiful sunrise!” she exclaims. I look up quickly. Acknowledge the glow peeking through the frosted glass. We’re late. The clock is ticking.

“Okay, let’s everyone…”

“…go downstairs.”

“…eat breakfast.”

“…keep moving.”

That sentence could end any and many ways.

“…go into Zahara’s room. We’ll see it better in there.” In we tromp–the naked one, the half dressed one, the soaking wet one wrapped in a towel and the other one and we gaze.

All in all, it took probably three minutes. A whole 180 seconds of our day, but it made me pause and appreciate–appreciate these four little people in their various states and stages and this house that keeps us all. We have our moments. This 180 seconds was one of those moments and just as quickly it deteriorated into the morning rush, but all day long I’ve held onto that moment–four littles, all crowded around a window awed by a coral sun slowly rising through the dim morning skies.

Think through the past few days…what moments are you holding onto? What moments help you make it through the long seasons?