Mama was solid. Unchanging with seasons or my emotional upheavals.
She wasn’t glamorous, though she was beautiful. She wasn’t someone to admire from afar, she was the one you wanted to stand closer to and share life with.
We lived in Alaska at a tiny Bible School and my parents were in charge of the Student Ministries team. Mama made the role sparkle.
She sang the “Chiquita Banana” song while standing on a table in the middle of dinner, while everyone else rolled on the floor laughing. She would dress up and acquire outrageous accents, sing hysterical made-up lyrics to popular songs and bring down the house with her stories and jokes.
I wasn’t much like my Mama. I loved her. I always wanted her around. But my personality was so vastly different that I knew I would never be able to step into her role.
So instead, I created another, different, “better” role to fill. I devised a sophisticated, tall (I really was tall for my age at one point in my life) non-frizzy haired, model Christian that existed only in my head (or at a great distance).
Mama would whisper things to me at times. Things about God calling us to not fear and about using gifts and not burying them in hopes of something different. I didn’t always listen very well.
At some point along the way, I came to a few startling realizations:
- número uno: I’m too short to be tall and sophisticated. I’m 5’3 and will forever be 5’3 (or shorter as I age, I suppose)
- número dos: While I’m capable of straightening my hair and pulling off a Pantene-commercial style for a night or two– my hair is, and always will be, wild. Curls that zing and snap and frizz right up in humidity.
- número tres: It’s true that I’m not my mom. I don’t sing goofy songs (very often) and I don’t dance on tables (at least almost never). But I do have my own funny quirks. I can tell outrageous stories about ridiculous things that I’ve done or noticed other people doing. And I can drop down to the level of any child in the room and convince them that I’m the most fun ever with a few winks and handfuls of dirt. (Sophistication just doesn’t match stained clothes and stories about that one time that I decided to face off with the new heifer and ended up on my backside in the manure pit.)
The truth is that even though I heard from the time I was little, God made me unique, I still doubted and still felt that I needed to measure up to something else.
And another truth has become glaringly clear: it’s all about fear.
The only reason I want to look a certain way, or be perceived a certain way, is because I fear what people will think of the real me. What if a quirky short girl with frizzy hair isn’t someone anyone will like? What if people look at me and find me childish or immature or [fill in whatever fear you may be battling]?
I keep going back to the verses that Mama quoted. In 1 Peter 3 there is talk of the things that make women lovely in the sight of God. The chapter that talks about beauty not coming from outward things but from the heart. And Sarah, of old, who was beautiful because of obedience. And then. It’s the verse that Mama repeated over and over into my ear.
“You are [Sarah’s] daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” (I Peter 3:6)
I will never be able to fill anyone’s shoes but my own and I will never be confidant or content unless I am walking in obedience to Christ. In obedience, I am beautiful and I have no reason to fear.
It can be easier, at times, to hide behind a computer screen. Especially for writers. And in the stepping out– fear can appear in full force. The enemy would like nothing more than to keep you cowering or trying to be something different than what you were created to be.
I won’t make it to Allume this year (Amazingly, there isn’t anyone begging to do barn chores for me. It’s like they don’t trust their cow-fighting skills or something.) but my prayer for all of you who are going is simple: be obedient to Christ and be real.
Everyone will love you, I promise.
And I’ll be expecting all kinds of wonderful stories and pictures (and if anyone knows the Chiquita Banana song, well…).
by, Natasha
Jolene says
October 17, 2012 at 6:00 amLoved your post Natasha. It is so important to be real, to be who you are. I have always tried to be myself, and I remember the pain of that (because I too had the frizzy wild hair) because I didn’t “fit it” or follow the trends, etc, etc. Children were cruel and hurtful… BUT, I know that being real, being true to myself and God has given me greater joy than I could imagine (and definitely more to cover over the pain I felt as a child.) Thanks for sharing!
Natasha Metzler says
October 17, 2012 at 10:09 amYour hair looks so pretty and tame now… 🙂 Life is definitely full of more joy when we’re not dependent on the approval of those around us but simply on Christ.
Kim Hall says
October 17, 2012 at 7:21 amBeing real takes real courage, I think. I love how you said we can’t fill anyone’s shoes but our own, frizzy hair and all! When we measure ourselves against our peers, parents, siblings, or our own preconceived notion of who and what we should be, we are always going to come up short because we aren’t using the proper measuring stick. It’s only when we break free of those self-imposed bonds and live fearlessly as ourselves that we will live a much more fulfilling life. Thanks for the post and the reminder from 1 Peter. Well said, and it can’t be repeated often enough!
Natasha Metzler says
October 17, 2012 at 10:06 amOh, that we might all learn to use the proper measuring stick!
jennifer kindle says
October 17, 2012 at 9:24 amI loved this and which you were going to allume, I need more spunky people in my life. and no….I do not trust my cow fighting skills!
Natasha Metzler says
October 17, 2012 at 10:05 am*laughs* It takes a lot of practice to master the cow-fighting bit. I’m actually getting quite good….
Gina Smith says
October 17, 2012 at 9:32 amOh, you sound like someone I would LOVE to spend time with…and I wish you were going to Allume! I’d love to meet you!!
You really make me sit back and evaluate…my family happens to live on a small Bible College campus, and my husband and I are in charge of student ministries! He is the dean of students and I am the dean of women. I have a 22 year old daughter. I happen to be one who would stand on the table and sing! This is a good reminder to daily share with my daughter about her uniqueness and that she can just be herself!
Thankyou for sharing!
Natasha Metzler says
October 17, 2012 at 10:00 amAh, love it! 🙂 And I have a great fondness for the “dance on the table” personalities. I know I would just love you.
Anonymous says
October 17, 2012 at 9:55 amTrue: I do not trust my cow fighting skills! I know I’m that “one” who is continually geeking out over this blogger I admire (you) but the truth is Natasha, I wish I was your neighbor. I wish I was your little sister. Some of this comes from that place in me where God has kept wide open for community by denying me any real family. So I define it all differently because I *have* to. I have a “mother” story which is similar enough because I also sought to define myself apart from her. Only one thing does: Christ….I really do not know if she ever truly accepted Christ or salvation before she died. But in other ways, I cook, bake, sew, garden and I have her outrageous spontaneous humor and love for the underdog. Those are the things in my DNA I can own for the sake of my children..and so much mellows into softness as I age. God is good that way, eh? Love you girl.
Natasha Metzler says
October 17, 2012 at 10:02 amLorretta, you make me smile every time I see your name! We will definitely need to find a way to meet in-person someday…
Amy Alves says
October 17, 2012 at 4:04 pmWonderful Natasha girl! How we each have to learn to embrace our true selves and all the gifts that come along with us! ~ Blessings out, Amy 🙂
Gay Idle says
October 17, 2012 at 7:12 pmLoved your post! I am amazed at all of the truly beautiful women I meet along the journey who have insecurities that I would never imagine they would have…in my mind they are beautiful women in the Lord. You have a very wise mom who taught you well. Continue to let the Lord shine through! Your beauty shines through your writing!
Natasha Metzler says
October 17, 2012 at 11:44 pmThank you!
Martha Brady says
October 18, 2012 at 12:48 pmnatasha, i love your post. sorry you won’t make it to allume. i’d love to meet you:) if there is one thing i’d love all women to learn, it is that they have a place in the Kingdom no matter what their gifts, looks and temperament! there is no room for competition with each other. we will move forward as we learn to love each other for the place each of us fill in GOD’s Kingdom. you said it so well!
Natasha Metzler says
October 18, 2012 at 1:55 pmI like that phrase, “no room for competition”. so, so true!
Lisa Littlewood says
October 18, 2012 at 3:14 pmBeautiful post Natasha…one of my favorite parts was…
“I will never be able to fill anyone’s shoes but my own and I will never be confidant or content unless I am walking in obedience to Christ. In obedience, I am beautiful and I have no reason to fear.”
It’s easy to realize that on a “head” level sometimes, but not let it sink to the “heart” and soul level. Thanks for the encouragement today.
Anonymous says
October 23, 2012 at 11:12 pmjust what I needed to read: I will never be able to fill anyone’s shoes but my own and I will never be confidant or content unless I am walking in obedience to Christ. In obedience, I am beautiful and I have no reason to fear. Thank you, Natasha 🙂