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real light living

When the Mirror is Most Dim

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I feel upturned. Inside, mostly. I told my mom over coffee this morning that I don’t understand why God does this to me.

“God does this to you?” she smirked, swirling her morning tea with a spoon. She paused, letting the cream swirl in that beautiful caramel circle as she turned to me. “God does this to you. Hm. Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

I gave her a fake frown. Sipped my coffee. Rolled my eyes. And then said, “Well, yes I have. Why?”

I sometimes imagine God as a puppet master. His entertainment is pulling on the strings that make our arms and legs jerk helplessly, against our will. He pulls us along and displays a beautiful scene, but inside I feel like nothing more than an example of someone who has gone slightly mad.

I know this view of him is wrong. It’s a shadow of truth and lies. I take it to the cross and bury it there in tears. I can almost relate to St. Catherine of Siena when she refers to God as “Oh Divine Madman!” Except she does so because she sees his insane love for us. I whisper those words because I fear the worst.

So I stare into this mirror and I see broken pieces of what I do not understand. I look and I see myself. This curly-haired, green-eyed, somewhat frenetic mess of a girl. It’s her who is running me into the ground. It’s those eyes that never close, these ears that selectively hear, these hands that wring, this mouth that speaks doubt. This mind behind it all that dreams, and plans, and hopes against all hope, and crashes when all hope seems lost. I see her. I see her clearly. It’s Him I see dimly.

I think of that scene, in Pride and Prejudice (the new one, though I’m still blood-loyal to the BBC version) where Lizzie stares at a mirror for what seems to be hours, even as Mr. Darcy comes into the room and leaves her a truth-revealing letter. She stares into a mirror that grows darker with the night. The truth at her side, she stares into candlelight and things dimly lit. As am I — staring and missing the truth.

At what point will I rest my puppet arms, and lean back into His? When can I untie my own strings and turn from my own madness? I want to look into a mirror that loses its self-reflection, and instead becomes a looking glass into truth. When will I breathe deep and let go of that gnawing lie that I have to control everything? That lie is grinding my soul into fine dust.

He blows on that dust, it scatters on the surface of glass, and I look for the truth that sets me free. A fracture of light skims and dives into my heart.

“For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Romans 7:23-25

Comments

  1. Andrea, 
    What a candid look in the mirror. It was beautiful. We so often blame God when we are busy tying our own strings…(I loved the image of the puppet). Surrender is something I genuinely struggle against, but you make it sound so beautiful…”When will I breathe deep and let go of that gnawing lie that I have to control everything? That lie is grinding my soul into fine dust.”
    I want to run to that sweet rest.
    God’s peace and good to you.

    • Chelle – Let’s run together, shall we? We can give that knowing nod to each other when we let go and surrender…it’s hard, and beautiful, and really, a struggle for me, but I’ve never looked back and said, “I wish I didn’t surrender then”. (I’m having to put this lesson into action now in my life, for sure.)

  2. Beautifully written. Captured my heartstrings. Loved this line: ”
    I see her. I see her clearly. It’s Him I see dimly.” Thank you for sharing!

  3. It’s so much easier to blame God than see the truth in the mirror, isn’t it? Guilty here!
    Words like yours are what I kept hearing last week and this: Let go. Let Me. Follow Me. Trust Me. When I do just that, I am always amazed at the change in how much lighter and wonderful I feel. Thanks for the reminder and the lift today!

    • Those are good words… Letting things go is always the hardest first step for me. (Must be that whole control thing.) And then, I turn and blame God. Goodness, thank God for Grace. Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  4. In the midst of a really hard conversation with the hubs last night, I said “I’m sorry that I’m broken.” I’m just at this point of wishing I could trade my life in for someone else’s not-messed-up-life. He was quick to say, “But Rhoda, we’re all broken.” How quick I am to forget that I’m not the only one the Lord is pruning and perfecting. And how quick I am to forget that this is truly a beautiful place to be: broken at the foot of the Cross.

    Friend, our God will not relent, He will never let go of us until He has all of us. We are broken and His pruning is hard, but it’s a beautiful place to be. Love you!

    P.S. 2 songs that are speaking to me, that I think would speak to you too are Christy Nockels “For Your Splendor” and Misty Edwards “You Won’t Relent.” Let them seep into your soul 🙂

    • I’m thankful for his relentless grace. Sometimes I get tired, I admit, and I wish He’d give me a break…but I’m grateful for the grace and patience in that too. Thanks Ro. 🙂 

  5. Beautifully written.  So honest and still it is clear that you know the answers.  My faith in His sovereignty is always strengthened by two things: 1) How those dim moments look in hindsight.  Days, months, or years later… blessings, teachings, times where He was so faithful to walk with me. 2) Opportunities to give Him the glory for bringing me through it all as gold OR glory for how He carried me through it.  OPPORTUNITIES to show someone else His goodness.  The difference in someone who walks this life with the Savior and ones who walk searching for happiness on this Earth.  The amazing truth that this life, this blip of time, this breath, this grain of sand is nothing compared to our eternal peace, comfort, and joy.  The opportunity that we have to BRING a brother or sister with us to that place by introducing them to our source of comfort and peace.  

    Praying that for you!  Hoping for the Eternal perspective (that is easier said than walked… no perfection on this end of the comment feed!!) and that this may pass so quickly that you have chalked up more evidence of His love for you sooner that later.  

    Thank you for writing!

  6.   —    “When will I breathe deep and let go of that gnawing lie that I have to control everything?  That lie is grinding my soul into fine dust.” —

    Control – seems to be a recurring theme lately, not just for myself, but those around me voice the need for it as well.  My friend pointed out something to me yesterday, that I am still chewing on – Control is often pride in disguise.  The more I think about it, the more I am aware of areas in my life that I want control, which in fact is telling God that I can handle a matter better than He can and that saddens my heart.

    I relate to your description of the puppet on strings, but the way you wrote this reminds me, that the problem is me, not He.  Thank you for sharing.

  8. Oh man, did I have a moment today. I read this post earlier and did not have a response at first, but as the day went on and things transpired, I felt the need to share… I love to make lists. Everything has to be written down, so I know exactly what needs to be done. It is my way of controlling things you could say. Today I knew that there were things that I needed to get done and instead I just wanted to lay in bed. Time slipped by and it was now almost one o’clock (I know!!!). I decided, okay, let me get myself motivated. I need to make a list, then I’ll feel better…. but I didn’t :(. “What was wrong?” I wondered. I had my list. I felt prepared. I was in control….. and that’s when I realized what I was missing in all of this. I am not in control, God is, and maybe he did not like what I had put down on my list of things to do that day. Maybe He did not like the fact that He was not first on my list or even on my list at ALL!! So, I prayed, “Lord, forgive me. You should be first on my list everyday and in control of everything I do, every minute and every hour. I give this list to you and if it is Your will for me to get this done then so be it, and if not give me peace, and let me know that it is okay to not get it all done.” After I finished, I definitely better. I know that I try to squeeze too many me things into my day sometimes, and not enough God things, and believe He lets me know. He is teaching me everyday, that I am not in control of anything I do unless I give it over to Him first, ask for His will to be done, and then follow His commands. 

    Thank you so much for sharing as you can see I can totally relate!

    • Erin, I love hearing how this ruminated in you during the day. It’s funny how control looks so great, and feels great, but sometimes it’s standing in the way of what we need… it seems backwards, so I’m always shocked when God flips the script on me ;P I love hearing how you worked out this process in your heart. Sounds a lot like me 🙂

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