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The Well-Intentioned Remark

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What she said was, “The phase you’re in is physically exhausting, but that’s better than mentally exhausting.”
 
What I heard was, “If you think it’s hard now, just wait.”  And, “I have it harder than you do.”
 
What I think she really meant was, “Whatever stage you’re in, parenting is never easy.”
 
What I learned from what she said was: she doesn’t know what it’s like to be in my shoes, and I don’t know what it’s like to be in hers.  She doesn’t know the dynamics and unique needs and styles of my four children.  She doesn’t know what it’s like to homeschool and parent three girls with vastly different personalities while my 18-month old son scales any combination of objects that his tiny hands and feet touch.  She doesn’t know my personal struggles–the things that I carry with me each day as I focus on pouring myself out to the five souls in my home.
 
And I don’t know what it’s like to have three grown daughters scattered across the country.  I don’t know what it’s like to not be able to tuck them in at night anymore.  I don’t know what it’s like to not know if they arrived home safely each night after work.  I don’t know her personal struggles–the things she carries with her each day as she misses the three souls that are a plane trip or train ride away, and the one she pours her soul into in her home each day.
 
What I wish she said was, “You are in a physically exhausting stage, but it won’t always be that way.  You are doing a great job, and I can see that in your kids.”
 
What I wish I said was, “It must be so difficult to have your girls so far away.  I will say an extra prayer for their protection.  You are a great mom, and they are blessed to have you!”
 
What I wish everyone knew: that there is grace enough to go around.  No matter what any given person is facing, each person is facing something.  Responding to someone with grace, compassion, and a word of encouragement takes a touch of humility and a bit of practice, but it goes so very far.
 
 
Whether you are in a physically exhausting stage of motherhood, a mentally exhausting one, or a stage of spiritual motherhood, how can I pray for you today?
 
 

My PhotoMandy is a homeschooling mom of four, married to Mark, her Mr. Tall,  Dark and Handsome, for 12 years.  She is learning to invite Jesus in to redeem her mess each day and to ONLY take on the things to which He has called her.  She blogs gratitude and encouragement at hissongtomeshalom.blogspot.com.  You can follow her on Twitter here.

Comments

  1. Amen.  It’s not a contest, and there IS  grace enough to go around, thank God!

    •  Yes, thank God for grace.  And thank you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts!

  2. I am not a mother yet, but I can only imagine how exhausting this is.  I for all day and when I come home it scares me to think of the “what if” factor of having a child.  I want one so badly, reading your post gives me hope that it’s possible.  With God have strength to make things happen and if we trust Him he will give us the stamina we need to push onward.  Thanks for opening yourself up in this blog to us!

    •  It IS possible with the grace of God.  Supportive families make a big difference, too.  Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts!

  3. Oh the grace needed in motherhood… And friendships. It seems like we are always trying to one up each other with our struggles. Thanks for the reminder that your struggles are hard for you, just like mine are for me!

    •  That’s our pesky human nature, isn’t it?  Praise God for the grace to learn to do things differently!  Thank you for your thoughts.

  4. I love the ‘what she said,’ ‘what I heard,’ ‘what I wish she’d said,’ and ‘what I wish I’d said.’  You point is very well made.  It teaches us not to judge, and when we feel we have been, to treat the other person with compassion and understanding.

    •  Thanks! Yes, this can certainly be applied to any relationship.  Everyone is a little but happier when we take the time to be compassionate.

  5. This is great!  So often I think we women fail in supporting each other, both in what we say and what we assume in others.  This was a refreshingly honest look at how to start changing that!

    •  Thanks. It’s true what “they” say: a little bit of kindness can go a long way.  How much fuller would our lives be if we could support instead of judge? Thanks for reading!

  6. Beautiful!! Just beautiful. You can pray for my heart as I spend these next two months with my son before he heads off to basic training. I will pray for you as well.

    • Heavenly Father, thank you for the tender-loving care you show each of your children.  How deeply You know the love in a mother’s heart.  Surround Stacey with Your passionate embrace.  Let her know your comfort and Providence.  Give her peace and rest in Your presence.  Shower her with blessings in abundance as she enters the new phase of adventure You have planned.  Be her all, her hope, her joy.  Envelope her precious son in your loving protection.  Amen!  ~Thanks so much for stopping by, Stacey!  I am grateful for your sharing of your heart and your prayers as well.

  7. I love reading your parenting posts.  I had an “only” though not by design.  I missed out on the beautiful chaos in the home where multiple children live.  I wish I could hug every tired mom and assure them, they are truly truly blessed to be so loved.  My son loves me, it’s not that.  But when we are gone.  He and his family will be alone.  I look at families like yours and other mommy bloggers and I have that pang of regret that I did not and HE did not get to enjoy the blessings and challenges of a full home.

    • Ah, Tina!  I hear you:)  Thank you for your kind words.  A different kind of struggle you face, no?  And perhaps different kinds of blessings, too?  I’ll bet your son experienced and continues to experience your full and deep love.  I am confident that our Lord has a most perfect plan and purpose for you all.  He promises to make everything beautiful in its time and a plan to prosper you.  Take heart, Tina, you ARE amazing!  Don’t let the enemy weigh you down with regret.

  8. I am also a homeschool mom of 4 close in age. Only mine are opposite from you – 3 boys and 1 girl. Now that my oldest is 9 yrs. I understand a little more about how mentally draining kids are. But as my youngest is 3 yrs I still remember how physically exhausting little ones are. I remember, so I try to encourage moms of infants and toddlers!! Just telling mom’s that they are doing a good job can be such a boost for a difficult day.

    Stephanie Kay
    StephaniesMommyBrain.blogspot.com

    • You are so right, Stephanie.  A few kind words can really make someone’s day, especially a tired or frazzled mama.  Sounds like you are a blessing to many.  I appreciate you stopping by here and sharing your thoughts!

  9. I now have four children scattered to the four winds, and I can tell you It is exhausting, but I know that God has equipped you for what you need, and I have no doubt your are doing it well.  Maybe not everyday, none of us did it well EVERYDAY!  But on the days you fall short He sends His Grace and teaches the young ones mercy.

    I don’t want to live in the past I love each stage of my children’s lives including their adult years.  But in my heart there are days that I wish I could go back and just rock them.  I do miss them in my arms, stroking their hair, and singing little songs.  As you said all ages have their good points and their challenges.

    Give yourself a hug!  I would hug you if I were there!

    • Diane, thank you for speaking those encouraging words of blessing over me!  I would do well to cherish the wisdom of moms would have navigated these waters and lived to tell about it:)  Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  10. Amanda as you are very aware of some days are absolutely wonderful and some days are challenging.  Some hours are absolutely wonderful and some hours are challenging.  Some minutes are absolutely wonderful and some minutes are challenging.  Always there is a blessing there, sometimes we have to search to find it and sometimes it is right before our eyes we just need to open them.  
    You are a wonderful Mother and your four children are very blessed to have such a wonderful Mother and Grandmother.
      God is good.  Thanks for allowing me to read your well thought blog.  Take some time for yourself , it is a great way to rejuvenate your spirit.  God bless you and yours.

    •  Jayne, thank you for that reminder.  Reading Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts really convicted me to count my blessings in all things.  What a wonderful way to live.  Such kind words you shared!  God bless you, too, and thanks so much for stopping by to read!

  11. Those were beautiful and timely words. I will take them to heart. I will remember them. Thank you,Mandy.As I was thinking of what you posted this snippet from ” Billy the Bard” came to mind….”the quality of mercy is not strained; it droppetf as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath; it is twice blessed- It blesseth him that gives and him that takes…..” thank you for an honest and gentle reminder of “esteeming others more than ourselves”.

    •  Thank you!  What a beautiful snippet as well–indeed, I feel blessed when I take the time to extend understanding and compassion.  I appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts.

  13. We’d all be better off if we didn’t comment on each other’s lives. As you say, we don’t know what others’ struggles are. Just trying to encourage people and be “with” them is nearly always best. 

    •  Well said, Ann.  It is so easy to judge, thinking we know what is best for another, or that we have it harder.  Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!

  14.  So true.  We rarely express ourselves exactly as we want to, and I try to remember to not take things personally.  I have lots of room to grow in this though!  Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts, Mary Beth!

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