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Marriage: Grace

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At least once or twice a week for the past 15 years my husband is late home from work.

In some ways, I don’t care. I stopped caring about his tardiness about a decade ago when I gave myself up to the fact that some people are early or on time and others are late. These two don’t seem to change much. He was a late person and I wasn’t going to ever be able to do anything to alter that.

But the communication? THAT I could help him change, right? Of course. We all can change and grow and get better, right?

Still, almost 16 years after visiting the altar together he still doesn’t call or text.

“You can call, or text, or email or even tweet me!” I tell him. “Please just let me know.”

After an angry argument the other night about the almost-two-decades long transgression, I walked up behind him as he stood in the kitchen and whispered an “I’m sorry” into his ear. “I should have more grace for you.”

“I’M sorry,” he turned around. “You deserve better than this.”

And there it was. Grace both ways. Grace for human failings, even the ones that might never be different.

Grace isn’t something we normally associate with daily marriage. We give grace to the guy who cuts us off on the highway or the girl who gets the McDonalds drive through order wrong {I wanted DIET Coke, not REGULAR!}. We give grace to our children when they’re exhausted and sometimes we even give ourselves a little grace to nibble on a chocolate bar in front of “Downton Abbey” in the evening. But grace for our husbands might be the hardest part of a grace-filled life to fulfill.

What IF he’s left his socks/pants/undershirt in a short tower in front of his dresser for the last decade {as if the rapture came and took all but his clothes}? What IF he’s still working on loving well and listening? What IF he slides into the hard sins that you never thought he’d slide back into?

Grace. Breathe grace.

And what IF I will forever keep the bathroom sink a clutter of makeup, hair products and long brown strands of hair? What IF I rush to irritation before I rush to forgive? What IF I still struggle with the big sins of my life: pride, bitterness and judgment?

Grace. For being human.

I am convinced that we see our spouses as what-should-be’s rather than what-are’s. We want perfection from imperfect people in imperfect relationships and we often fail to remember that ALL of us, including ourselves, are works in progress. And sometimes those WIPs don’t always move full steam ahead. Sometimes we slide back into bad habits or bad loving, and as bad as it is, it is a fact of life. Even a fact of Christian living.

I’m all about demanding respect and righteousness, about needing compassion and kindness, but so often we offer our husbands up on the altar of not-good-enough-yet for the sake of what we think they should be.

We need to remember that they, like us, are in fact living, breathing, failing humans.

Today, in our marriages, let’s practice breathing grace for our spouses. If we’ve failed, let’s get help. If we are struggling, let’s talk about it. If we’ve sinned, let’s stop and begin to do good. But in all things, let us give one another the wiggle room to be humans.

Do you have trouble remembering your spouse is “human”?

How do you “breathe grace” into your marriage?

 

By Sarah Markley, Allume 2012 speaker who blogs about grace, second chances and relationships at sarahmarkley.com. She’s actively trying to work to be more grace-lending in her own marriage and trying to let her husband actually be human. You can read Sarah’s marriage story here, follow her on twitter here and join her community here.

Join Sarah on Tuesday’s this month as she shares some of what she’s learned in the last sixteen years of marriage. Read her last post about honesty here.

Comments

  1. Oh dear me…. I knew I’d be commenting on this post as soon as I read the first sentence! My husband is just a few months in to his first position as a flight instructor after a long and expensive road of flight training. Because flight instructing is just so unpredictable on a day-to-day basis, he is late almost always (the winds were too strong so they were delayed from taking off, the student’s time block before him went overtime, the weather looked bad but then suddenly turned good, the flight took longer than expected, the plane had to be refuelled before they could put it away… the list goes on!!)

    And we’ve had that exact same argument SO MANY TIMES. Why couldn’t he just call?!? And he gets it, and he really does try usually, but yet my heart is so fickle and selfish, and I want him to still feel badly for being late so I let him know by having a pouty/mad attitude when he finally does arrive home. I know that if I could just lavish grace on him instead, our marriage would be so much healthier, and he would be so blessed. 

    Thanks for this kick in the pants to showing grace to my husband (why is it so hard?). I love him so much and he is an amazing husband and father.

  3. This is such good advice.  Thank you, Sarah.  My husband does a lot of work from home, so I have learned to call him just as I am getting off the highway on my way home so that he has time to “unplug” before I get there.  It makes for a much sweeter homecoming.  — Learning those rhythms of marriage help so much.  

  5. Great post on an important topic, Sarah! You’ve nailed the issue. Why is
    it so much easier to extend grace to strangers then it is to our
    spouses? We expect way too much from them–and I am one of the worst
    critics. Thanks for sharing your failings as well. Blessings.

  7. This is a lovely post about grace in marriage and saying “I’m Sorry”.  It reminded me of a story I heard once, it’s been a while so it might be slightly distorted….But there was this woman who nagged her husband for years about the tooth paste splatters on the mirror.  She would vocally scold him.  She loved him, but knew if he could just fix that it would be perfect.  Years later he passed away.  After cleaning her bathroom, she began to notice the toothpaste splatters on the mirror again.  At that moment she realized it had never been him, but her, and it was too late at that point to say sorry.  

  8. I am new to Allume and will be attending the Harrisburg seminar in October for the first time.  I do not blog.  I barely write.  What I do write is a gift given to me two years ago during some very difficult times which instead of getting easier got harder.  For a while the writing even stopped when I took my mind off Christ and focused on the problems.  Now I am back on track and Lord willing will stay there.  I would like to share a piece I wrote a few days ago after a vocalization under our roof.  It is what the Lord is teaching me. Talk less; pray more.  Seems to be working.  Long from fixed, but small changes are evident in both of us.

    TEMPER
    TANTRUM

    You threw words

    They crashed
    against the kitchen cabinets

    Shattering.  Pieces cut deeply into my heart

    You tried to
    retrieve them later

    But the
    wounds left indelible ink upon my brain

    Thought-provoking.  Thoughtless.

    How does one
    reprimand a three year old in a 47 year old body?

    For “…out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks”

    I choose to keep silent.

    “Even a fool is considered wise, if he keeps his
    mouth shut.”

  11. This is such a good lesson for all of us.  After fifteen years of marriage, I can honestly say that I don’t complain as much as I used to.  But should I be complaining at all?  Even silently?  Nope, I really don’t have anything to complain about.  If my husband pointed out my faults and mess-ups, I would be a basket case.  He is so gracious to me. It makes me want to be more gracious.

    An older woman told me something last year that really helped. She said that every time she sees her husband’s messes around the house, she smiles and says to herself, “He needs me!  It is such a blessing to be needed!”

  12. Thanks Sarah.  I have this UNFAIR habit of comparing against other’s strengths.  I could definitely be one to point out the neighbor husband that’s never late.  As if I don’t repeat offend all the time.  

  13. “I’m all about demanding respect and righteousness, about needing compassion and kindness, but so often we offer our husbands up on the altar of not-good-enough-yet for the sake of what we think they should be.”…oh don’t we woman need greater freedom here…God has been whispering in my ear…grace…walk in grace…and don’t we need to practice this best at home:) blessings~

  14. This is such a great reminder…that I am in need of grace as much as he is. We are working on trying to believe best about one another and that is all about grace! Thanks for a great post!

  15. Ah, yes. I don’t let my husband be human. He’s a firefighter by profession, so he should be a super hero, right?! Not true.  I am the hardest on him and his failings, but expect him to let mine slide. Beautiful words and truth spoken. I love it.

  19. Sarah:  I want you to know that you helped my husband and I so much with this post.  After an ugly argument yesterday morning, I sent him the link to this post.  He immediately wrote back the most beautiful e-mail.  You healed our hearts yesterday.  I relate so much to your writing since we both have two little girls and are very close in age.  Please don’t ever stop.  This isn’t the first time you have turned my day around and made it better.  Thank you.

  20. It’s so weird that you just came upon the idea of grace in marriage the same year I did.  It took me so many more years than it did you!  I realized, that couples who don’t have this two way grace in their marriage will not make it.  If families, in general, were more likely to practice grace actively, then I believe families would be happier and healthier – and it would also be a great practice arena for us to learn grace to prepare for marriage.

  21. This is sooo coincidental. Just as I was about to read this, my husband texted me telling me he was going to be home late. Thank you for these sweet words about grace and reminding me I need to apply it with my dear husband 🙂

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