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When You Want In

By

Until you conquer the fear of being an outsider, an outsider you will remain. C.S. Lewis, The Weight Of Glory 

I transferred to my new high school a month after the school year had started. Uprooted, (literally) two months prior by hurricane Andrew, I’d spent the very beginning of the school year attending a temporary school, while we waited for military moving orders.

I was the quintessential “new kid”. Coming from a very small private school to this (much larger) public high school was a most unexpected and somewhat fear-filled transition. (Did I mention we’d just lost virtually everything we owned in a natural disaster of record proportions?).

It’s safe to say, I entered this new social arena already battling the clutches of fear. I was in every way, an outsider.

New state, new house, new stuff, new school–no friends.

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I wandered through the maze of halls surrounded by circles of kids I didn’t know, living lives I couldn’t  relate to. Though my military upbringing had schooled me in the art of quick assimilation, high school is hostile territory at best, and for the new kid–it’s a virtual minefield of potentially embarrassing interactions.

I wanted to simultaneously hide and find my place within one of these social circles.

While reading C. S. Lewis’s, The Weight Of Glory, his essay,  The Inner Ring, struck me like a sucker-punch in the gut.

I’m not proud to say that during certain seasons of my life, I have hungered to be inside of certain social circles. Often, these were not necessarily circles I have been explicitly shut out of, but rather ones that are well established and grooved with the familiarity.

I’ve been both granted and denied entry into these various rings.

Amongst bloggers there exists these inner rings of small, somewhat exclusive communities. Most of them, I would say, developed naturally (as rings do), where people with common theology and interests gravitate towards each other sharing their vulnerabilities and lives in detail.

C.S. Lewis notes that inner rings are “certainly unavoidable”, and that “it is (in itself) a good thing that personal friendship should grow between those who work together”.

To this I am sure, we can all nod our heads in agreement.

The struggle we face, is our own personal desires to be included within the ring. It is possible (ahem) to let the desire to be included eclipse the calling as Christians to love one another.

The trouble comes when in pursuit of the inner ring, we are tempted (and many times do) compromise who we are and what we believe in order to cross the barriers.

In high school the rings were clearly defined: the cheerleaders, the jocks, the band “nerds” (forgive me–I married one), the “grunge” crowd, the promiscuous girls, the preppy kids, and so on.

I didn’t fit in with any of these groups, and so the temptation to make compromises ensued. Lewis warns,

Of all the passions the passion for the Inner Ring is most skillful in making a man who is not yet a very bad man do very bad things. The Weight Of Glory

Yikes.

We’re all adults now, free to make choices without having to answer to our parents–but what about heavenly Father? We are still accountable to Him.

The best way to guard against the desire to be inside of one of these elusive rings is, first, to get honest with ourselves about what it is we actually want.

We should ask ourselves:

Am I lonely?
Is this unchecked ambition?
Is this about glorifying God or myself?

My occasional hunger for a different inner ring springs up when I am feeling most vulnerable and spiritually weak. My desire to be a part of that group comes when I feel unnoticed, or irrelevant.  But the truth is, Jesus has called me friend (John 15:15 Esv) (In my head I hear that old spiritual, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”). This is not a trite statement. Jesus CALLS US, FRIEND. How’s that for being a part of an inner ring?

Here’s the truth: No VIP access to any worldly inner ring will fill the void of a heart that doesn’t know it is known by Jesus. (<–Why don’t you go ahead and tweet that puppy)

We are already within our own inner rings–and friends, the inner ring you are in is not an accidental happenstance. God places specific people in our lives for specific reasons and seasons. 

 Whatever online community your staring down with longing in your heart, let me say this, let it go. 

Pursue God. Pray for His guidance into the community of His choosing for you.

Chances are, you are already in it.

C.S. Lewis concludes this magnificent essay with this:

And if in your spare time, you consort simply with the people you like, you will again find that you have come unawares to a real inside, that you are indeed snug and safe at the centre of something which, seen from without, would look exactly like an Inner Ring. But the difference is that its secrecy is accidental,…for it is only four or five people who like one another meeting to do things they like. This is friendship.

You already belong, sister. Right where you are.

Embrace your community. We ‘re right here with you.

Comments

  1. Kris- we do indeed find belonging when we enter into genuine fellowship with others without concern for rings. I loved this reminder to “thine own self be true”. And that hymn… It’s always a beautiful comfort in this world.

  2. Beautiful post sweet friend. Yes, we must be real with who we are and our desires – and most of all the plans God has for each of us. Blessed to call you friend.

  5. amen and amen again. Kris. Every word here an important jewel. Thank you for stating so tenderly this dynamic, tension even, a dance we do. We all find these rings in the world, in friendships, social circles and in blogging. This is good good stuff, my lady. May God draw the lines clearly for where He would have us live and love. And may the Holy Spirit give us hearts to stretch wide the extended reach of our hearts, words and arms.

  6. This is such great stuff Kris. Yep, this is your sweet spot, right here in this space. That essay by CS Lewis is new to me, it sounds amazing. Of course, what has he written that isn’t? I think the key to finding a place where you belong is being aware of His presence as he leads conversations and connections with people. He’s good at that.;)

    • You should read the Weight of Glory, the essay is included in there, and the whole book is one solid nugget of goodness. You’re right, God is good to lead us when we wait and watch for Him. I can count the number of divine connections I enjoy soley because of His hand. I am so grateful.

    • I love how God led me to you, Shelly–through a random blog post. Ah…….look what I found. I have tucked you into that belonging place in my heart. You are one precious soul!
      Love
      Lynn

  7. Needed. Hopeful. Helpful. This is Kris Camealy, rocking the Truth for the peoples!

    Who doesn’t struggle with this one? Let me be frank. My book deals with this sort of issue, as it relates to wanting to be approved and belong, and even as the author of said book, I am tempted to want something I don’t have. In the past, I have spent far too much time looking around some metaphorical lunchroom wondering how I might get invited to the cool kids’ table. And I have forgotten that I am already with some really cool people. And I have decided that I am always going to leave a spot open beside me. Always room for one more… The Body of Christ is COMMUNITY, not a country club.

    One of my dearest online friends (who has become one of my dearest IRL friends — Deidra Riggs) says she dreams of everyone having a place at the table and everyone at the table having a voice. … I want to live those words with my very life.

    I love you, Kris Camealy. You rocked the Internets todays.

    • Thank you Jennifer for this sweet encouragement. I can’t wait to read your book–I know you rocked it!!! And that Diedra Riggs? She is just awesome. 🙂 so thankful for you, for your friendship, and your encouragement–it means SO MUCH to me.

    • I echo Kris, and can’t wait to read your book, too, Jennifer! Thank you for a place at your feast of a table this past Tuesday! I’m very grateful. When you talked about room for one more, it reminds me of my mother and (now in heaven) mother-in-law. There was always a place at their tables, which translates into a place in their heart. You extend such incredible generosity. Thank you for being you!
      Love
      Lynn

  8. A man (woman) who has friends must show himself friendly, and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. (proverbs 18:24) I think we often stress so much about being in a circle, that we don’t make friends right around us-just by being friendly. Everyone wants a friend.

  9. I love the encouragement here…really…no matter our age there seems to be that junior high girl lurking inside us…and when she raises her ugly head….we just want to shame ourselves…thinking we should be over this…feeling embarrassed …but we need to just face her and not run from her or the group that has drawn these feelings out of us…I am learning to give thanks for seeing this thing in my heart…because I now know…this means more freedom is coming…because The Lord never shames but brings light so we can be free…free from seeing circles …free to see room for others and for ourselves.

    • I I think this struggle is so common and not bound by age, or experience. We are a people built for community, and we are often probe to jealousy and can be short sighted. But you are right, God doesn’t shame us in these things, He opens our eyes to them, and leads us out of bondage again and again. He draws us closer, He is our constant friend.

  10. I needed this counsel! Thanks for speaking about something that I’m sure we all can identify with at some point in our lives. It stinks to admit I’ve tried hard to be noticed by certain circles both online and off and to be honest it’s exhausting. 🙂 You are right about God placing us in circles and He really has blessed me over the years with some incredible friendships!

  11. This post is so encouraging. It has been on my heart so much recently that we HAVE to know who we are in Christ. I believe when we do, it will change our entire life perspective and we will think in terms of eternity rather than the realities of this world.

    This was good for my soul. Thank you for writing it!

  12. Oh, Kris, what a wonderful post! Thank you so much for sharing your heart and for encouraging all of us. I am 45 and still occasionally get those pangs of “I wonder if they will let me sit next to them at lunch.” 🙂 Jesus is the ultimate friend, and He loves each one of us! What awesome news! YAY!

    Time to jump on Amazon to order the Weight of Glory!

  13. Oh what a friend we have in Jesus and what a lesson you shared with us here. My experience, while not as traumatic, has been similar to yours with a lot of moving about-15 times in my first 13 years of life; yet I choose to bumble about with all types of folks . I just sort of bust right in. Oh my! I just wonder sometimes what they must think of me because I love them all so much, I just can’t help myself! Seriously, God has somehow given me a simple child-like innocence that to this day still resides in the inner-circle of my being, and I am so thankful to God for that. He has protected my heart from ever feeling left out, even when I am, and even when I am out-and-out rejected. His grace is so sweet. We already belong!
    Hugs,
    Kelly

    • Kelly, what you say is true about yourself. You h ave the sweet and loving innocence of a child. I’m so glad that you burst into the ring of my private space (on the way to the john!) in a women’s conference and just started talking (and talking–ha!) I love all you have to say, and you are one joyous, special woman of God!

  14. I love this post, friend. I’ve felt it. Wondering how you get to be one of those girls, wondering if you’ll ever really fit, wondering if you really matter. It’s such a life-sucking, dream killing, exhausting way to live and I just want to be done with it all. I’m there with you friend, enjoying those who are already around me, making room for those who want in, and learning to believe that the only circle that truly matters is the one Christ calls me to in Him. Love you and thanks for sharing your beautiful words, heart, and truth here!

    • Alia, I too have wasted energy and emotion over wanting to belong–but the realization, the conviction, that pursuit of these things is not where I should chase, it has changed me. Your heart for community is so welcoming and lovely. Sad I won’t be hugging your neck at Allume this year.

  15. So true, Kris. So felt this. So learning this right now–more offline that online. As my life has been a bit stripped bare, God has been showing me all the ways I have made an idol out of acceptance, out of approval, out of being in the inner circle. It’s ugly! I am so thankful for Grace and for the fact that Jesus stooped down and washed his disciples feet. This girl is learning to rest in Jesus and allowing him wash me clean, scrub down the layers of crud I’ve accumulated over the years. To be in love with my Savior and the girl he made me to be… isn’t that the full life? 🙂

    • Amanda, didn’t I meet you last year at Allume?! Forgive me for my uncertainty, I am terrible with names! It is so nice to see you here. 😉 The scrubbing clean is painful, yes? I know the burn of refinement so well. I feel as though I am continually smoldering. It’s good though–God is so good to wash me through and through. repeatedly. Praying for you as you wait on Him and listen for His words. Be encouraged. You are LOVED!

      • If I remember, we almost met or met at the very end, something like that… lol… I remember us chatting over a God-encounter I wrote about right afterwards (maybe you remember the suburban housewife who got to take part in the Holy Spirit’s plan to lead a West African man to Christ right outside conference?? One of the highlights of my life :))
        Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement!! Though perhaps we don’t know each other super well, I just treasure your words and that I get to do this online-light-shining thing with you 🙂

  16. Oh man, I couldn’t have stopped by on a better day. I’ve let my guard down and if I can be honest, I’ve allowed myself to feel as if I don’t belong, in some of the grounds around the blogsphere. I’ve asked myself “what can I do to fit”, but I know that is not God’s plan. I must look to Him and allow Him to continue to add value to my life. Thank you!

  17. Kris–such words of wisdom, such an important post. So many people hunger for belonging and that really translates into being loved. The sad truth is that often in the Church, itself, people feel like outsiders…..because no one will make room for them. My mother, who is terribly shy, won’t return to church dinners at her new church because no one talked to her. She knew it wasn’t purposeful, and she’s not angry……but she’s just too timid to feel that awkward again. As Christians, we truly must reach out to fellow Christians, but also to all the lonely, misguided, and disoriented people crowding the highways and biways of life. We need to invite them to that place waiting at Christ’s banqueting table, where He will name and feed them and give them a place to belong in HIs heart. Thank you for sharing dear one.
    Lynn

    • Lynn, Thank you for chiming in. I am sad to hear about your Mom’s experience at her new church. Finding a new church is hard enough, and then to not be greeted makes it all the harder. We really must work harder as a body to extend our arms to those who are on the edges wanting to be included. I think this takes a certain bit of imagination, if we’d all just imagine for a moment being in the other person’s shoes… I am thankful that Jesus always welcomes us, and pray that we would represent His love better by opening our arms, and making room at our own tables for others.

      • Kris, thank you for your kind, sensitive compassion. This is exactly it….just walking in another’s shoes. At my professional chorus thereis a new woman (Asian), and I say that simply to say that she must feel a bit awkward amongst all Americans. So I immediately reached out to her and engaged her in conversation during our break time. My mother understood that on one meant to be unfriendly. They were just so glad to see their friends and have an opportunity to visit; but b/c she is so terribly shy, I know she won’t go back. If the opportunity occurs for me to go w/ her, I will. I’ve also been in *her* shoes b/f, and truly, it is awkward and doesn’t feel good. So……i’m glad you are putting on others’ shoes and walking around in them!
        God bless you!
        Lynn

  18. Kris, this speaks to my heart. I’ve been on the outside looking in and so badly wanted to be “in.” These are words that needed to be written, thank you for doing so.

  19. I needed this so badly today. Thank you for reminding me first that I am not alone and second that I really do belong.

  20. One thing we talk a LOT about in my Women’s Sunday Bible Study is our FEELINGS… This is a great truth-illuminating post. Thank you for going there. What I would like to add is that the FEELINGS WILL BE THERE in our old body of flesh, but we don’t have to cave to them when we know ^^^ THE Truth.

    The struggle we women have I think, is that our feelings are real and present and we give them power over us instead of submitting them to the Holy Spirit {Or we do surrender them but feel GUILTY for having them…} I’ve seen lots of posts on the Facebook wall for “newbies” about fearing feeling on the outside and it is just plain enemy activity to hurl darts of fear at our hearts. Discerning this and raising up the shield of faith to thwart the arrows and raising the sword to stab the evil one back in his dirty-lying face is what we need to do.

    Thanks for sharpening the sword here!!! To God be all the glory! And…as was brought out at She Speaks over and over, we are not in competition with each other, we are on the same mighty team. “Linked arm-in-arm we are a mighty force to be reckoned with…” ~Susie Larson {Which is exactly why the fiery darts get thrown}

    We are women of the word, women going to Allume to humbly build one another up and honor one another above ourselves. We no longer look at things from a worldly perspective. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty. That is what I am looking forward to at Allume, encouraging my sisters in their service to Jesus.

    • I hope you have an amazing time at Allume–I am certain you will. I’m sorry I won’t be there to meet you in person this year! Link arms with our sisters and rally for the greater purpose, which is Christ. You’re right, we are not in competition.

  22. This is such a wonderful message Kris. I have coveted many groups…none of which I was invited in. And I know I wanted to be in them to “be someone special”. I am learning to redirect my needs to the Lord, and wait for Him to fill them. I tend to forget about the “here and now”, that He has me here now for whatever purpose, I’m thankful for this reminder!

  24. I can completely relate, and…well…who can’t? You’ve shared something that is so valuable to remember, not just at retreats, but every day. On FB. On blogs. At church. Thank you for this beautiful {and truthful} reminder that we ALL fit in wherever Jesus is Lord!

    • Yes, I think this message applies in all areas of life where people are involved in relationships 😉 Definitely NOT limited to blogging, social media, or any specific arena. So thankful for your comments!

  25. Well now I have to add another CS Lewis to my long list…you nailed it. I am there. So longing to be inside something that I miss where I am. Funny thing, I have lately been included in a certain inner ring in RL and now that I’m there, I don’t love it. I need to prayerfully consider my choices.

  26. I love this! How many times have I been looking longingly at what I perceived as the “inner circle” and totally overlooked the fact that I already have my own “circle” around me? God definitely surrounds us with the people we need, so we don’t have to struggle and pine after some sense of belonging in a particular group. We all want to matter and to be accepted, but surely it’s not worth the cost of missing out on what we already have. Thanks for the reminder to enjoy the place I’m in and the people God has put into my life!

  27. Amen, sister! Love these questions: “Am I lonely? Is this unchecked ambition? Is this about glorifying God or myself?”
    And this: “My occasional hunger for a different inner ring springs up when I am feeling most vulnerable and spiritually weak. My desire to be a part of that group comes when I feel unnoticed, or irrelevant.”
    Thank you for this wisdom, Kris. I’ve been trying to get my hands around these feelings and stirrings, and you’ve done much to help me make sense of this. I am exhaling deeply right now…God has already prepared a place for each of us.

  28. Someone shared this post on Facebook and it’s exactly what i needed to read today. I’ve been struggling with wanting my blog to be bigger and better than it is so I could fit in with these other inner circles. I need to let go and be where I am. Thank you for this post!

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