“When our kids are grown gone, we want to be just like you and Mary.”
That is what a friend said to my husband sometime back. He was referring to the fact that John and I travel a lot, but we didn’t just start that when we had an empty nest.
AND…it isn’t the travelling that is the key.
It is about learning to do this thing called life together, even when things are not so great.
Let me start at the beginning…
John and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary in May of this year. Life didn’t turn out exactly like I thought it would. I don’t have 2-4 children. I don’t live where I thought I would. I am not doing the work I thought I would be doing. But life is good and my marriage is even better! I am married to my best friend, yet life has not always been roses. Some of you may know that we have buried a daughter, we left our home of 25 years and moved across the country, we’ve endured sickness, and we have had periods of no income. While these things help shape who we are, they do not define who we are or what our marriage will be like. Marriage takes work, everyday. Every year. And then some.
There are a few things that I believe are key when it comes to having a good marriage. Here are a few ideas:
- have date night. Take the time to be a couple at least once a month. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. Buy a bag of $2.00 popcorn and rent a movie for $1.25.
- talk. Seriously. I mean this. A friend with several children and a husband that travels regularly told me that once he started travelling, she thought it had been good for their relationship. How you ask? She said it was because since they were talking on the phone after the kids had Skyped or talked they were talking with each other about life. About them. About things…not just about the kids. I think, at times, it is easy to fall into the trap where our conversations with our spouse revolve around the kids, the house or the bills. We forget to connect on other levels and we start to lose something.
- don’t put your kids before your marriage. You were a couple before you were parents! God created the couple BEFORE he created the family with kids or the church! I knew a couple that did so much with and for their kids that when they got older and their kids were gone, they really had nothing in common. He did his thing. She did hers. It is OK to tell your kids, no you can’t do this or that. I know another couple that chose not to have their children participate in an activity in which they had previously been very active. Why? Because the volunteer commitment required by families was more than this family could do, so the family made a different choice.
- have s*x. Enough said. If that is a problem and it is a medical issue, then discuss it with your doctor. If there is another problem, then discuss it with someone whom you trust. Make this a priority.
- pray for your spouse. At Allume last year I received a copy of Kathi Lipp’s book, Praying God’s Word for your Husband. I had always prayed for John, but this changed the WAY I prayed. In a good way. You might consider buying the book.
It is easy to stand at the altar and say “I do.” Maybe we looked at our spouse with dreamy eyes and imagined how perfect our life would be. Ten weeks, months or years later things didn’t look so perfect. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be good. It just might need a little tune-up!
Does your marriage need a tune-up? What can you do to make a difference?
Blessings~
Mary
Nikki says
July 8, 2013 at 9:27 amMary, you bless my socks off!
thank you for these well-needed reminders.
I had no idea it would be so easy to put your kids before your marriage…and have so enjoyed praying for my husband with intention.
I’m finding marriage is a great example of the love affair our Savior offers us. Because the more we give to it, the more we get out of it…
(HUGS) Loved seeing you here today, friend!
Mary Bonner says
July 8, 2013 at 10:27 amOh, my sweet friend…could you feel my nerves as you read these words? It is much easier than we realize to put kids (& other things) before I marriage. So thankful these words blessed you…it was all Him.
Hugs to you!!
Natasha Metzler says
July 8, 2013 at 9:28 amBeautiful reminder. Thank you, Mary!
Mary Bonner says
July 8, 2013 at 10:26 amThank you, Natasha…
Kim Hall says
July 8, 2013 at 11:24 amCongratulations on your 30 years! We hit that mark this year, too, and I think it can go much faster than you realize. Your points are spot on, and I especially like putting your marriage first. It is way too easy to put your kids, and everything else, at the front of the line until your marriage hits the urgent stage. Making small and regular deposits in your marriage will help it stay strong through all the storms.
Mary Bonner says
July 8, 2013 at 12:54 pmCongratulations to you, too, Kim!! You are right, it is much easier to make the small, regular deposits instead of trying to right the ship in big storm. Thank you for stopping by!
christie elkins. says
July 8, 2013 at 3:33 pmMary, this list ROCKS. You are so full of wisdom! And I LOVE how you put that marriage was created before kids and the church. This is a reminder I need daily.
Mary Bonner says
July 8, 2013 at 3:51 pmChristie, I am humbled by your words. Thank you so much. I think many of us forget that God created the couple first! 🙂
Lisa notes... says
July 8, 2013 at 7:07 pmSuch good advice, Mary! And congrats on 30 years. That’s great.
Love this point:
“While these things help shape who we are, they do not define who we are or what our marriage will be like.”
That’s so true. We can always grow new sprouts in new directions from the ashes of the hard things in our lives.
And I also agree that couples shouldn’t wait until empty nest to start traveling. Jeff and I have always taken short little trips together both with the kids and sometimes without the kids our whole marriage, and now that they’re gone, we are very compatible traveling companions from years of experience. 🙂
Mary Bonner says
July 9, 2013 at 5:27 amNew sprouts out of ashes…YES! I love that Lisa. And whether on the interstate highway or the interstate of life, it is good to be compatible traveling companions!
I love that you have taken trips without your kids…John and I have done that too. I think it is important. Not long ago I found out that two couples we know have NEVER been away without their kids in almost 20 years of marriage. NEVER….not even for one night.