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One flesh, not two

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one-flesh

Nine p.m. and the bedroom door closes.  He’s in one room. I’m in another.

Hard words and hard hearts.  Help me soften, Lord.

When we marry, we become one flesh. One body.  One heart.  This is why the power we have to hurt and to love in marriage is so great.  We are yoked. We are connected.  The marriage vows we make to one another are the vows to love one another completely, sacrificially.

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and “gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5: 25). Husbands are called “to love their own wives as their own bodies.”

Paul’s letter to the Ephesians continues, ” He who loves his own wife loves himself” (v.28), and wives are  “to respect their husbands” (v. 33).  We do this, choose to surrender to each other, when we marry, when we vow our love to one another, “because we are members of His body” (v. 30).  And in this choice to marry we become no longer our own.

I am part of my husband.  He is part of me.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (v.31). Wills laid down, bodies surrendered. We do this because of our holy promise to each other–but mainly because first, above all, we are His.

When I don’t return to these truths, I can feel the disruption in my marriage.  My husband and I both do.  My husband and I both feel our union tearing a bit of our hearts when we disconnect.  We are one flesh, not two.

And that is why, that night, when the doors of our hearts were shut against one another–in the moment when I refused to see how I was wounding my own flesh in my refusal to connect, to soften, to love my husband well, my heart disconnected itself not only from my husband, but from the Father, too.

The Holy Spirit has not left me; God never leaves. But I separate myself from God’s good plans for me–and for my marriage– when I choose to remain cold and hard and fight for my own way rather than surrendering to love, choosing Jesus’ will in my marriage, above my own.

This is not to say that if there is physical abuse within your marriage that you should just bear it and not seek help. Absolutely, sister, seek help. God gave us community to come alongside one another, help one another, in times of trial and distress.

But Jesus also did not intend for us to sever our own flesh, bring about division within our marriage when we push for only our own way.   When we push for our own way, without regard for our husband’s heart, we tear apart what the Father yoked together. We bring division within our very selves.  We are not whole.

No wonder fighting feels so crummy.

Is there a place where He is calling you to soften?

Is there a place in your marriage, where you are being challenged to surrender– to feel hearts united, as one flesh?

Comments

  1. Great truths here Jennifer….and yes we are one flesh…and this is why God asks us not to tear it asunder….I am walking through a most painful tearing with my niece…it is as if you can literally hear the tearing of the heart and flesh…oh how God never intends for us to feel this kind of pain….and yes…we have to bring ourselves to these life giving truths no matter how long we have been married. blessings and grace to you~

    • Dear Ro, I am so sorry. So sorry. I will be praying for your niece, for God to come and flood her with His love–and bring His peace and comfort and hope for the whole family. I pray you experience His closeness, friend, His arms around you giving you strength–and His lifting your niece to His light. xo

  2. ah, those evenings of closed doors and stony hearts. i hear you.
    it encourages me when i feel the hardness within that Jesus said even rocks will cry out in worship. perhaps He didn’t exactly mean our hearts, or perhaps He did.
    beautiful write, friend.

    • Kelli, the way you make words sing! Thank you for how you open eyes and hearts with how you look for Him and pour Him our, girl. You always bless me.

  3. And like our fleshly bodies maturing from infancy to adulthood, we must continue to grow, knit and woven, closer together. Loved this, Jennifer!

    • Just so beautiful and true, Kirsten. I love the hope in the growing–all the possibility that the changing–when done together, alongside one another–holds. Thank you, friend.

  4. That softening, it is an acute prayer that both stings to pray and brings relief to be answered. I am challenged to not separate myself from God’s good plans. And to remember that in choosing self, I am most certainly not choosing God. I loved these words, Jennifer!

  5. True love softens. True love reaches out to bridge the gap – and true love loves unconditionally – yes – it is sometimes hard but I think that’s the reason both my husband and I will be married 30 years – the continual reaching and not giving up. Wonderful encouragement here!

    • Exactly! Unconditional love from my husband, reaching 100% of the distance to me, and unconditional love from me, traveling that same distance. In spite of weight gain, or poorly chosen words, or times of whiney-boobness, or a multitude of other human behavior that needs grace and forgiveness. There has always been an understanding and joy at the goal of giving 100% to each other. We, too, just hit 30 years. Congrats to you!

  6. You know, you shed some light on something I’ve never really connected. I’ve been married more than 10 years and I’ve started the majority of the arguments in our house because I push away out of selfishness and disappointment. But when I push away, you’re right, I’m not only pushing away my husband, but I’m pushing away God too. Or it could go the other way – I push away God so it’s “easy” to push away my husband too. God has softened me with this the past couple years, especially, but there’s certainly room for more improvement. Thank you for sharing this truth in a new way for me.

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