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real light living

Do You Hangout in the Mud?

By

 

I constantly am a victim, in my own head (and {ahem}…as told to my husband in the quiet of our own home).

I constantly am more tired than anyone else.

I constantly am busier than everyone else.

I constantly am more stressed than anyone else.

I always am the worst at this or that.

I constantly am “struggling” with something (I use that word all the time).

 Through my eyes, this life I live is rough; no… it’s the worst, most difficult, challenging life EVER! (dramatic much?).

I’m constantly in the muddy “pit of destruction” in my own mind.

This dramatic pattern in my thinking started in my middle school years. I was never very good at math, so my Engineer father became my tutor. Despite all of his wonderful qualities, a fitting tutor for his daughter wasn’t necessarily his best or easiest role. He and I are very similar; temper and all. Without fail, within 10 minutes into our tutoring session I would be in tears screaming, “I can’t do this! My life is over! I’m going to fail out of school!” Sadly, this routine continued all the way through high school. Confession: there *may* have been a few tutoring sessions through college as well {clears throat}, but I digress… Did I fail out of school? No! Did I even come close to failing? No! But I learned a pattern…when something doesn’t go my way I break down and tell myself, “This is it. My life is over. I’m going to fail!” 

Most people in my life don’t see this side of me. But it’s there. It’s right under the surface of my smiling face and bubbly personality. I can go from happy-go-lucky to my-life-is-the-worst in one second flat.

I’m not proud of my behavior, but I’ve recently spoken with some women who confess they live as a constant “victim” in their own minds as well. 

Why? Why do some of us find solace in playing the victim? Why do we seek to classify ourselves as the worst, ugliest, fattest, most hopeless person in the room? Why do we like to hangout in this low place, why do we like to hangout in the mud? We could chalk it up to hormones, but let’s be honest, that’s just an excuse!

At some point in our lives we learned that we would get the response we wanted by playing the victim.

As a middle school math student, I learned that when I reacted this way, my father’s escalating anger would slowly dissipate into the type of attention I wanted; compassion and love. He would simmer down to the snuggly Dad I wanted. In those one-on-one tutoring sessions with my Dad I ended up with what I really desired; not his help with my homework, but his love and attention.

 So why do I continue to play victim? Why do I consistently put myself in a downward spiral towards life-is-overness? 

Simply put; I get something out of it. I feel good in that “pit” (even though I know a muddy dress isn’t very classy…).

Maybe I feel good in the pit because the only way out is up? Or maybe I feel good in that pit because it’s an excuse not to step out in faith, to face challenges? Maybe I like being in that pit because it’s a place where I’m “in control”? Maybe I like being in that pit because that’s where I receive compassion and love from those around me? Maybe I like being in that pit because I like being covered with dirt and having something to hide behind?

Why do you end up in that “pit”?

Why do you allow yourself to spiral downward?

Where or from whom did you learn this behavior?

If you have trusted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you need not fear. He has already conquered that pitiful place for you. He died and rose again so that we do not have to go there. We can live in peace and joy knowing that our lives are in the hands of our Almighty God. Whatever challenges we face, we face with Him, who is our shield and strength. The pit is lonely and depressing; and the kind of attention we seek can only be fulfilled in the arms of our Savior.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord”
– Psalm 40: 1-3

He has already redeemed us from that low place; we do not need to return. We are not victims, but rather Daughters of the One True King. Let’s walk with our shoulders straight, our heads held high, and our dresses clean—let’s not return to the pit, for our dresses look better without the mud!

 

 

Comments

  1. I agree. I have seen this in myself and in my daughters. Not a pretty sight, especially when you realize you have passed this counter-productive behavior on to your children. 🙁
    Being in the pit, I think, means nothing is required of us, which means we don’t have to step up into the spotlight—Ack!—and out and risk failure. 

    I believe one of the antidotes to that fear based behavior is to take a really deep breath and put our focus elsewhere. When we reach out to someone else and take that baby step in trust, we are able to start filling the love tanks of those around us. As we fill, the love begins to naturally overflow and wash over everyone, including ourselves. Gratitude grows and thrives, and the spiral heads upward.

    Our family learned each other’s love languages, and that has made a positive difference in being able to better connect.
    One other action we took was to answer just five questions for each other. These questions came from a life coach I worked with, and they focused on our strengths, talents and passion. Having the family answer them for me, and then answering them for each other, was probably one of the most powerfully positive and affirming things we’ve ever done. 

    • Kim,
      Thank you for your comment! I do not yet have children, but I often pray that the Lord will help me stay out of this pit before I can pass this behavior onto my children. I love your comments about putting our focus elsewhere when we begin to step down into the mud. You are correct in saying it’s a self-seeking place to end up. It’s a place where we desire other people to pull us out, but in reality Christ has already formed a staircase in the dirt and is reaching out for our hand to pull us out. We just have to trust Him and allow Him to be our place of refuge and our strength. Great points!

    • Kim,

      I love that you brought up the fact that we need to put our focus elsewhere..that is so key! We tend to look upon ourselves rather then look up out of that pit and allow Christ to pull us up and out for good. Great points!

      I don’t yet have kiddos, but recently I’ve been praying that the Lord would take me out of this thought pattern long before I can pass it on to my kids. I pray that you and your daughter get out of the pit along with me 😉

      Thanks for your comments!

      • Me, too, Mandy. 
        Well, at least if you build good relationships with your kiddos, you can share new perspectives with them as you recognize areas to grow, and ask to help them keep you accountable. Then the two of you get to climb together. It’s more satisfying than sitting and having pity parties! ;-D

  3. ”
    At some point in our lives we learned that we would get the response we wanted by playing the victim.” Hmmm…I remember that feeling. I became so weary of being unhappy, and by Grace was lifted. This was beautifully written…a great reminder that it’s already been conquered, and there is so much more joy in the light of His Love.
    Thank you.
    God’s peace and good to you.

    • Chelle,
      Thank you! I love that you have clearly stated that you are redeemed from that pit! We all are, right? We just need to learn to claim it as the past–walking in the grace of today!

  4. Perhaps to a certain degree women who are not showing tired, stressed, worst or struggling with something they quickly get the label of perfect or have it all together women.

    • Good thought, Peggy. And when we “have it all together” do we get the attention we crave down in the pit? I wonder? I pray that the Lord would break us of “needing” any other attention apart from Him. He is sufficient–we just need to remember to go to Him to fill us!

  5. Thanks, Mandy, for this reflection! Many times we do allow the “pit” to define us because we know little else…or it draws attention. I appreciate your reminder that we are first and foremost “Daughters of the King” and not pit-residents!!

  6. Oh, this is so good…and it’s also where our society is…..to be the victim rather than taking responsibility….and accepting this world is less than perfect with less than perfect people!  Thank you for this beautiful reminder.  I used to LOVE the mud….now, when I start to seek that hiding place…that pit that wants to draw me away….I sink to my knees….and count blessings….and give praise.  I don’t do that perfectly every time, but I’m getting better at it!

  7. I appreciated your thoughtful words. This is something all women can relate to. Curious about this statement: “The pit is lonely and depressing; and the kind of attention we seek can only be fulfilled in the arms of our Savior.”

    For those who have accepted christ as their personal lord and savior, why do they remain in the pit afterward? Why does he not rescue them, once and for all?

    • Tessa,
      Thank you for your comment! This is a very good question, and I think we can all relate to your curiosity in this. YES Christ does rescue us. He died on the Cross and rescued us at that very moment. Unfortunately, however, despite this, we often return to the pit. It’s our sinful nature that pulls us back there. The chains have been set free, the jail doors unlocked, but sometimes we return to that jail cell and lock ourselves back up. Often times this is evidence that we are not truly walking in the freedom that Christ died for. Maybe we’ve accepted it, but we may not be living in it completely. I have a friend who has struggled with alcoholism for years. She knows and loves Christ, but she often seems to revert back to her “band-aid” fix (self-medication). It’s a daily battle for her, but Christ is using it to draw her closer and closer to Him. So yes, He has pulled us out of the pit, we just have to learn to stay out of it–but being completely and utterly dependent on Him–which is a struggle for all of us this side of Heaven! LOVE your question! Thank you!

  8. I once heard it said that we should be the hero of our own story. When I heard this I wasn’t even the main character of my own story. It has really helped me adjust my thinking from what others do to me, to how I behave. I’ve learned to take the responsibility on which is mine, and hand the responsibility to others which is theirs. The pit is inviting, but I’m learning the victim thinking isn’t very helpful. Nor does it make me my own hero.

    • Stacey,
      Great point! Too often I think we don’t step out and truly live. I’m sure you’ll agree with me, it’s nice to have Jesus as the hero of our story, isn’t it? He surely is the best Protaganist one could have!

  9. I LOVED this and I am not surprised at all when I realized who had written it, since I also LOVED meeting you on Sunday! Your heart for God really shines through and your writing is honest. So glad we met!

    • Hey girl! Thanks for your sweet comments! 😉 It was fantastic to meet you as well! I look forward to seeing you again 😉 And next time I’m coming thrifting!!

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